DANDY   DICK 


A  PLAY  IN  THREE  ACTS. 


Acting  Rls:hts  Refterved. 


WALTER  H.  BAKER  &  CO., 
BOSTON. 


DANDY    DICK 


A.  W.  PINERO^S  PLAYS. 


PLEASE  READ  CAREFULLY. 

The  acting  rights  of  the  following  plays  have  been  reserved 
by  the  author.  Performance  is  strictly  forbidden  unless  the 
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and  attention  is  called  to  the  penalties  provided  by  law  for  the 
infringement  of  his  rights,  as  follows : 

"  Sec.  4966 :  Any  person  publicly  performing  or  representing  any 
dramatic  or  musical  composition,  for  which  copyright  has  been  ob- 
tained, without  the  consent  of  the  proprietor  of  said  dramatic  or 
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ages therefor,  such  damages  in  all  cases  to  be  assessed  at  such  sum, 
not  less  than  one  hundred  dollars  for  the  first  and  fifty  dollars  for 
every  subsequent  performance,  as  to  the  court  shall  appear  to  be  just. 
If  the  unlawful  performance  and  representation  be  wilful  and  for  profit, 
such  person  or  persons  shall  be  guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon 
conviction  be  imprisoned  for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year." — 
U.  S.  Revised  Statutes,   Ti//e  60,  C/ia/>.  3. 

Permission  to  perform  these  plays  privately  and  by  amateur 
players  may  be  obtained  from  the  publishers  on  payment,  in 
advance,  of  a  royalty  of  $10.00  for  each  performance.  Persons 
wishing  to  present  them  professionally  and  for  a  number  of  per- 
formances should  apply  to  Mr,  Dan'l  Frohman,  Lyceum  Theatre, 
New  York,  for  such  permission  and  for  terms. 

The  Amazons.  The  Notorious  Mrs,  Ebbsmitlu 

The  Gibinet  Mmistef#  The  Profligate. 

Dandy  Dick.  The  Schoohnistress. 

The  Second  Mrs*  Tanqtieiray* 
Sweet  Lavender. 
The  Times. 


The  Hobby  Horse. 
Lady  BountifuL 
The  Magistrate. 


The  "Weaker  Sex. 


Any  of  the  ahove  seniy  post  faidj  on  receipt  of  price  (50  cknts  each)  hy 

BAKER,  5  HAMILTON  PLACE,  BOSTON. 


DANDY     DICK 


^  ^fdj  in  t^vu  ^cie 


ARTHUR    PINERO 


AUTHdK    OF   **  SWEET    LAVENDER,"   "  THE   T3MES  ^   "  THE    CABINET    MINISTER," 
"  LADY    BOUNTIFUL,"  ETC. 


All  rights  reserved.  Performance  forbidden, 
and  right  of  representation  resented..  Ap- 
plication for  the  right  of  performing 
this  piece  must  be  made  to  the  publishers. 


BOSTON 


^^^^^^^/^y^a^^i^^^ 


■^;; 


>  Co/j  ^  '. 


Copyright,  1893,  by 
ARTHUR    W.    PINERO 

All  Rights  Reserved 


INTRODUCTORY  NOTE. 

"  Dandy  Dick  "  was  the  third  of  the  farces  which 
Mr.  Pinero  wrote  for  the  old  Court  Theatre — a  series 
of  plays  which,  besides  giving  playgoers  a  fresh 
source  of  laughter,  and  the  English  stage  a  new 
order  of  comic  play,  brought  plentiful  prosperity  to 
the  joint  management  of  Mr.  Arthur  Cecil  and  the 
late  Mr.  John  Clayton.  But  a  kind  of  melancholy 
interest  attaches  to  "  Dandy  Dick,"  for  this  play  was, 
as  it  were,  the  swan-song  of  the  old  theatre  and  of 
the  Clayton  and  Cecil  partnership ;  and  it  was  the 
piece  in  which  Mr.  Clayton  was  acting  when  death 
overtook  him,  to  the  general  grief. 

The  production  of  "Dandy  Dick"  may  be  con- 
sidered as  something  of  a  tour  deforce  in  its  way. 
"  The  Schoolmistress  "  was  at  the  end  of  its  success- 
ful run,  and  Mr.  Pinero  was  under  contract  to  supply- 
its  successor  by  a  certain  date,  when  Mr.  Clayton 
one  day  went  down  to  Brighton,  where  the  dramatist 
was  then  at  work,  to  hear  him  read  the  two  com- 
pleted acts  of  the  new  play.  To  Mr.  Clayton's  con- 
sternation, however,  Mr.  Pinero  announced  that  he 
was  dissatisfied  with  his  work,  and  proposed  to  begin 
an  entirely  new  play,  as  he  had  a  more  promising 


M52695 


6  INTBOBUCTOBT  NOTE. 

idea.  But  time  was  pressing,  and  a  successor  to 
"  The  Schoolmistress  "  was  an  immediate  necessity. 
However,  Mr.  Pinero's  idea  of  writing  a  play  round 
a  dean,  who,  while  being  a  paragon  of  dignity  and 
decorum,  should  be  driven  by  an  indiscreet  act  into  a 
most  undignified  dilemma,  appealed  to  Mr.  Clayton, 
and  hastening  back  to  London  with  the  sketches  for 
the  requisite  scenes,  he  left  Mr.  Pinero  to  set  to  work 
at  once  upon  the  new  scheme.  And  within  a  few 
weeks,  indeed  by  the  time  the  scenery  was  ready, 
the  new  play  was  completed,  the  rural  constable  of 
a  village  adjacent  to  Brighton  having  suggested  the 
character  of  Xoah  Topping. 

"  Dandy  Dick  "  was  produced  at  the  Court  Theatre 
on  January  27th,  1887,  and,  meeting  with  a  most 
favorable  initial  reception,  it  settled  down  imme- 
diately into  a  complete  success.  The  following  is 
a  copy  of  the  first-night  programme : — 

ROYAL    COURT   THEATRE, 

SLOANE  SQUARE,  S.W. 

Lessees  and  Managers  : 
Mr.  John  Clayton  and  Mr.  Arthur  Cecil. 


Programme 

THIS  EVENING,  THURSDAY,  JANUARY  27, 

At  8,S0  punctually, 


INTRODUCTORY  NOTE. 

DANDY    DICK. 

AN  OEIGINAL  FAKCE,  1^  THKEE  ACTS, 

BY 

A.  W.  PINEEO. 


The  Very  Rev.  Augustus"  Jedd, 
D.D.  (Deanof  St.  Marvell's)  .    . 
Sir  Tristram  Mardon,  Bart  .    . 
— th  Hussars, 


Mr.  JoHN^  Clayton.        ^r^]^Cf 
Mr.  Edmund  Maurice.    Wj^^^^ 


Major  Tarver 
Mr.  Darbey 


quartered     at 
Durnstone, 
near  St.  Mar- 
vell's 

Blore  (Butler  at  the  Deanery) . 

Noah  Topping    (Constable  at  St. 
Marvell's) 

Hatcham  (Sir  Tristram's  groom) 

Georgiana  Tidman  (a  Widow,  the 
Dean's  sister)        .... 

Salome     1  _       ,    ^       , 

Shfra    '     I      the  Dean's  Daughters 

Hannah  Topping  (formerly  in  Ser- 
vice at  the  Deanery)     . 


Mr.  F.  Kerr. 

Mr.  H.  EVERSFIELD. 


Mr.  Arthur  Cecil*- 

Mr.  W.  H.  Denny. ^^^^^^;5-<^*^ 
Mr.  W.  LuGG*         ^^CZ>  * 

Mrs.  John  Wood.     k»-AA^: 
Miss  Marie  Lewes^ 

Miss  KORREYS. 

Miss  Laura  Linden.  W>a_/> 


^ 


ACT  I. 

AT  THE  DEANERY,  ST.  MARVELL'S. 
(Morning.) 


ACT  II. 

THE  SAME  PLACE. 

(Evening.) 


INTRODUCTORY  NOTE, 

ACT  III.— The  Next  Day. 

Scene  1:—**  The  Strong  Box,''  St.  MarvelVs, 
Scene  2. — The  Deanery  again. 

The  curtain  will  be  lowered  for  a  few  minutes  between  the 
two  scenes. 


New  Scenery  by  Mr.  T.  W.  Hall. 


Preceded,  at  Eight  o'clock,  by 

"THE  NETTLE." 

An  Original  Comedietta  by  ERNEST  WARREN. 

"Dandy  Dick"  was  performed  171  times  between 
the  first  night  and  the  22d  of  July,  when,  the  old 
theatre  being  demolished,  Mr.  Clayton  took  a  tem- 
porary lease  of  Toole's  Theatre,  and  transferred  the 
play  thither,  where  it  ran  75  nights  more. 

A  company  had  already  been  sent  out,  under  the 
auspices  of  the  Court  management,  to  perform 
"  Dandy  Dick  "  in  the  provinces  ;  but,  when  the  play 
was  withdrawn  from  the  London  boards,  Mr.  Clay- 
ton set  out  himself  with  a  company,  and  it  was 
during  this  tour  that  he  died  at  Liverpool. 

In  America  Mr.  Daly  produced  "Dandy  Dick." 
with  Miss  Ada  Rehan  in  Mrs.  John  Wood's  part, 
but  no  very  great  success  was  achieved ;  whereas  in 
Australia  its  reception  was  so  enthusiastic  that  it 


INTRODUCTORY  NOTE.  9 

ran  for  quite  an  unusual  time  both  in  Melbourne  and 
Sydney.  In  the  character  of  the  Dean,  Mr.  G.  W. 
Anson  achieved  perhaps  the  greatest  of  his  Austra- 
lian successes,  and  Mr.  Robert  Brough  made  his 
mark  as  the  policeman^ 

Malcolm  C.  Salamak. 
December^  1892. 


DANDY    DICK. 


THE  FIRST  ACT. 

The  morning-room  in  the  Deanery  of  St,  3farviells^ 
with  a  large  arched  opening  leading  to  the  library 
on  the  rights  and  a  deeply -recessed  window  open- 
ing out  to  the  garden  on  the  left.  It  is  a  bright 
spring  mornijig^  and  an  air  of  comfort  and 
serenity  pervades  the  place. 

Salome,  a  tall^  handsome^  darh  girl^  of  about  three- 
and-twenty^  is  sitting  with  her  elbows  resting  on 
her  hnees^  staring  icildly  into  vacancy.  Sheba, 
a  fair  little  girl  of  about  seventeen^  vn  earing  short 
petticoats^  shares  her  despondency^  and  lies  pros- 
trate upon  the  settee, 

Salome. 
Oh !  oh  my !  oh  my !  oh  my ! 

Sheba. 
\^  Sitting  upright.']  Oh,  my  gracious  goodness,  good- 
ness gracious  me  !     [  They  both  walk  about  excitedly. 

Salome. 
There's  only  one  terrible  word  for  it — it's  a  fix! 

Sheba. 
It's  worse  than  that !    It's  a  scrape !     How  did 
you  ever  get  led  into  it  ? 


Salome. 
How  did  we  get  led  into  it  ?    Halves,  Sheba,  please . 

Sheba. 
It  was  Major  Tarver's  proposal,  and  I  believe, 
Salome,  that  it  is  to  you  Major  Tarver  is  paying 
attention. 

Salome. 
The  Fancy  Dress  Masked  Ball  at  Durnstone  is  pro- 
moted by  the  Officers  of  the  Hussars.    I  believe  that 
the  young  gentleman  you  have  impressed  calls  him- 
self an  officer,  though  he  is  merely  a  lieutenant. 

Sheba. 
\_Indignanthj.'\   Mr.  Darbey  is  certainly  an  officer — 
a  small  officer.    How  dare  you  gird  at  me,  Salome? 

Salome. 
Very  well,  then.  When  to-night  we  appear  at  the 
Durnstone  Athenaeum,  unknown  to  dear  Papa,  on 
the  arms  of  Major  Tarver  and  Mr.  Darbey,  I  consider 
that  we  shall  be  equally  wicked.  Oh,  how  can  wo 
be  so  wrong? 

Sheba. 
"Well,  we're  not  wrong  yet.    We're  only  going  to 
be  wrong;  that's  a  very  different  matter. 

Salome. 
That's  true.    Besides,  there's  this  to  remember— »• 
we're  inexperienced  girls  and  have  only  dear  Papa, 
But  oh,  now  that  the  Ball  is  to-night,  I  repent,  Sheba, 
I  repent  I 

Sheba. 
I  sha'n't  do  that  till  to-morrow.    But  oh,  how  I 
shall  repent  to-morrow  I 


DANDY  DICK,  13 

Salome. 
\^TaMng  an  envelope  from  her  pocke%  and  almost 
crying,']    You'd  repent  now  if  you  had  seen  the 
account  for  the  fancy  di*esses. 

Sheba. 
Has  it  come  in  ? 

Salome. 
Yes,  the  Major  enclosed  it  to  me  this  morning. 
You  know,  Sheba,  Major  Tarver  promised  to  get  the 
dresses  made  in  London,  so  I  gave  him  our  brown 
paper  patterns  to  send  to  the  costumier. 

Sheba. 
\_Shoc7ced.']  Oh,  Salome,  do  you  think  he  quizzed 
them? 

Salome. 
!N"o ;  I  sealed  them  up  and  marked  outside  "  To 
be  opened  only  by  a  lady." 

Sheba. 
That's  all  right.    I  hate  the  plan  of  myself  in 
brown  paper. 

Salome. 
Well,  of  course  Major  Tarver  begged  to  be  allowed 
to  pay  for  the  dresses,  and  I  said  I  couldn't  dream  of 
permitting  it,  and  then  he  said  he  should  be  most 
unhappy  if  he  didn't,  and,  just  as  I  thought  he  was 
going  to  have  his  own  way,  [bursting  into  tears']  he 
cheered  up  and  said  he'd  yield  to  a  lady.  [  Taking 
a  large  account  from  the  envelope^  And  oh  !  he's 
yielded. 

Sheba. 
Bead  it  t    Don't  spare  me ! 


14  DANDY  DICK. 

Salome. 

[^Beadtn(/.']  "  Debtor  to  Lewis  Isaacs,  Costucr/ier  to 
the  Queen,  Bow  Street.  One  gown — period  French 
Revolution,  1798 — Fifteen  guineas !  " 

Sheba. 
\^Sinking  on  her  Jcnees^  clutching  the  table, 2  Oh ! 

Salome. 
"  Trimmings,   linings,    buttons,   frillings — Seven 
guineas ! " 

Sheba. 
[^HystericallyJ]  Yah ! 

Salome.  ^ 

That's  mine ! 

Sheba. 
\^Putting  her  fingers  into  her  ears,'\  Now  for  mine, 
oooh! 

Salome. 
^Reading r\^  "  One  skirt  and  bodice— flower  girl — 
period  uncertain — Ten  guineas." 

Sheba. 
Less  than  yours  !     What  a  shame ! 

Salome. 

"Trimmings,  linmgs,  buttons,  frillings — Five 
guineas !  Extras,  Two  guineas.  Total,  Forty  pounds, 
nineteen.  Ladies'  OAvn  brown  paper  patterns  mis- 
laid.    Terms,  Cash ! " 

[  They  throio  themselves  into  each  other'' s  arms. 

Salome. 
Oh,  Sheba! 


DANDY  DICK.  15 

Sheba. 
Salome!    Are  there  forty  pounds  in  the  wide 
world  ? 

Salome. 

My  heart  weighs  twenty.     What  shall  we  do  ? 

Sheba. 
If  we  were  only  a  few  years  older  I  should  sug- 
gest that  we  wrote  nice  notes  to  Papa  and  committed 
suicide. 

Salome. 
Brought  up  as  we  have  been,  that's  out  of  the 
question ! 

Sheba. 
Then  let  us  be  brave  women  and  wear  the  dresses ! 

Salome. 
Of  course  we'll  do  that,but — the  bill ! 

Sheba. 
We  must  get  dear  Papa  in  a  good  humor  and  coax 
him  to  make  us  a  present  of  money.     He  knows  we 
haven't  been  charitable  in  the  town  for  ever  so  long. 

Salome. 
Poor    dear    Papa!     He  hasn't  paid  our  proper 
dressmaker's  bill  yet,  and  I'm  sure  he's  pressed  for 
money. 

Sheba. 
But  we   can't  help  that  when  we're  pressed  for 
money — poor  dear  Papa ! 

Salo^ie. 
Suppose  poor  Papa  refuses  to  give  us  a  present  ? 


^xj 


16  V  )    I>ANDY  DICK. 

Sheba. 
Then  we  must  play  the  piano  when  he's  at  work 
on  his  Concordance — poor  dear  Papa ! 

•Salome. 
However,  don't  let  us  wrong  poor  Papa  in  advance. 
Let  us  try  to  think  how  nice  we  shall  look. 

Sheba, 
Oh  yes — sha'n't  I ! 

Salome. 
Oh,  I  shall !     And  as  for  stealing  out  of  the  house 
with  Major  Tarver  when  poor  dear  Papa  has  gone 
to  bed,  why,  Gerald  Tarver  would  die  for  me ! 

Sheba. 
So  would  Nugent  Darbey  for  me ;  besides  I'm  not 
old  enough  to  know  better. 

Salome. 
You're  not  so  very  much  younger  than  I,  Sheba ! 

Sheba. 
Indeed,  Salome !     Then  why  do  you  keep  me  in 
short  skirts  ? 

Salome. 
Why  !  you  cruel  girl !     You  know  I  can't  lengthen 
you  till  I'm  married  ! 

[Blore,  the  hiitler^  a  venerable-looking  />er- 
son^  with  rather  a  clerical  suggestion 
about  his  dress,  enters  by  the  window. 

Blore. 
[J^enignlg."]  The  two  soldier  gentlemen  have  just 
rode  hup,  Miss  Salome. 

[  The  girls  clutch  each  other^s  hands. 


/ 

/ 

DAJS^DY  DICK.     ''  17 

Salome. 
You  mean  Major  Tarver  ? 

Sheba. 
And  Mr.  Darbey.      They  have    called  to  inquire 
after  poor  Papa. 

Salome. 
Poor  Papa ! 

Blore. 
Shall  I  show  them  hin,  Miss  Sheba  ? 

Sheba. 
Yes,  Blore,  dear,  and  hang  your  h's  on  the  hat- 
stand. 

[Blore  laughs  svjeetly  at  Sheba  and  shakes 
his  fingers  at  her  playfully, 

Blore. 
[  Vindictwely^  behind  their  hacJcs.'\     'Ussies  ! 

l^IIe  goes  out, 
Salome. 
Am  I  all  right,  Sheba  ? 

Sheba. 
Yes.    Am  I  ? 

Salome. 
Yes.     \_Loohing  out  at  ynndowJ]     Here  they  are  ! 
How  well  Gerald  Tarver  dismounts  !     Oh ! 

Sheba. 
He  left  his  liver  in  India,  didn't  he  ? 

Salome. 
Ko — only  part  of  it. 


18  ^  JyANDY  DICK, 

Sheba. 
Well — part  of  it. 

Salome. 
And  that  he  gave  to  his  Queen,  brave  fellow ! 

Sheba. 
[^Seating  herself  in  an  artificial  attitude,']     Where 
shall  we  be — here  ? 

Salome. 
\^Itunning  to  the  piano.]     All   right ;   you  be  ad- 
miring my  voice ! 

Sheba. 
Oh,  I  dare  say ! 

Salome. 
Here  they  are,  and  we're  doing  nothing ! 

Sheba. 
Let's  run  away  and  then  come  in  unconsciously. 

Salome. 
Yes  —unconsciously. 

[  Theg  run  off  through  the  Library,  Blore 
shows  in  Major  Tarver  and  Mr.  Darbey, 
who  are  both  ifi  regimentals.  Major  Tar- 
ver is  a  middle-aged^  tall^  angidar  officer,, 
with  a  thin  face,,  yellow  complexion,,  and 
red  eyes.  He  is  alternately  in  a  state  of 
great  excitement  and  depression,  Mr. 
Darbey  is  a  mere  boy ^  but  with  a  pompous^ 
patronizing  manner, 

Darbey. 
The  Dean's  out  of  the  way,  eh  I 


V 


DANDY  DICK.  \     ^  19 

Blore. 

Yes,  sir,  he  his. 

Tarver. 
Eh  ?    How  is  the  Dean  ?    Never  mind — perhape 
Miss  Jedd  is  at  home  ? 

Blore. 

Yes,  sir,  she  his. 

Tarver. 

It  would  be  discourteous  to  run  away  without 
asking  Miss  Jedd  after  her  father. 

Darbey. 
\Thr  owing  himself  on  the  settee."]  Deuced  bad  form! 

Blore. 
The  ladies  were  'ere  a  minute  ago. 

[Salome  and  Sheba  vjalk  in  together,  Sa- 
lome has  her  arm  round  her  sister'' s  waist 
and  looks  up  to  her  with  a  sw^et^  trusting 
smile.  They  start  in  confusion  on  see- 
ing Tarver  and  Darbey. 

Salome. 
Major  Tarver. 

Sheba. 
Mr.  Darbey. 

Tarver. 
[  Taking  Salome's  hand  eagerly ^^    My  dear  Miss 
Jedd! 

Darbey. 
\_Rising  and  putting  a  glass  to  his  eye.']  Hah  yah ! 
Hah  yah  I 


20  DANDY  DICK. 

Salome. 
[  With  her  hand  07i  her  heart."]   You  quite  startle<l 
us. 

Tarver. 
[^In  an  agony  of  contrition^  Oh,  did  we? 

Darbey. 
Awfully  cut  up  to  hear  it. 

Sheba. 
We  never  dreamt  of  finding  two  visitors  for  Papa. 

Blore. 
Why,  you  told  me  to  show  the  gentlemen  hin.  Miss 
Sheba ! 

[  The  tico  girls  start  guiltily  and  glare  at  Blore. 

Salome. 
[  With  suppressed  rage,']  You  needn't  wait,  Blore ! 

Blore. 
[  To  himself,']  Let  'em  'ang  that  on  the  'atstand ! 
[Blore  goes  out,     Darbey  and  Sheba  stroll 
together  into  the  Library, 

Tarver. 
[  To  Salome.]  We  thought  we'd  ride  over  directly 
after  parade  to  make  the  final  arrangements  for  to- 
night.   Have  the  costumes  arrived  ? 

Salome. 

Yes,  they  came  yesterday  in  a  hamper  labeled 
"Miss  Jedd,  Secretary,  Cast-off  Clothing  Distribu- 
tion League." 


DANDY  DICK.  21 

Tarver. 
That  was  my  idea — came  to  me  in  the  middle  of 
the  night. 

Salome. 
Dear  Major  Tarver,  surely  this  terrible  strain  on 
your  nerves  is  very,  very  bad  for  you  with  your — 
jour — 

Tarver. 
My  liver — say  the  word,  Miss  Jedd. 

Salome. 
[Drooping  her  headJ]  Oh,  Major  Tarver ! 

Tarver. 
It  is  frightfully  injurious.     Of  course  I'm  excited 
now,  and  you  see  me  at  my  best,  but  the  alternating 
fits  of  hopeless  despondency  are  shocking  to  witness 
and  to  endure ! 

Salome. 
Oh! 

Tarver. 
It's  all  that  damned  India !     Oh !   what  have  I 
said !     You  will  never  forgive  me. 

Salome. 
Indeed,  indeed  I  will ! 

Tarver. 
Never.      Oh,   Miss  Jedd,   my  forgetfulness    has 
brought  me — one  of  my — terrible  attacks — of  depres- 
sion ! 

Salome. 
Major  Tarver ! 

\^fShe  leads  him  to  a  chair  into  which  he  sinks 
in  a  ghastly  state,  Darbey  strolls  in 
from  the  Library  with  Sheba. 


22  DANDY  DICK. 

Darbet. 
[  To  Sheba.]    Your  remarks  about  the  army  are 
extremely  complimentary.     On  behalf  of  the  army  I 
thank  you.    We  fellows  are  not  a  bad  sort,  take  us 
all  round. 

Sheba. 
There's  a  grand  future  before  you,  isn't  there  ? 

Darbey. 
Well,  I  suppose  there  is  if  I  go  on  as  I'm  going 
now. 

Tarver. 
[  To  Salome.]  Thanks,  the  attack  has  passed.  Now 
about  to-night ;  at  what  time  is  the  house  entirely 
quiet  ? 

Salome. 
Poor  dear  Papa  goes  round  with  Blore  at  half-past 
nine — after  that  all  is  rest  and  peacefulness. 

Tarver. 
Then  if  we're  here  with  the  closed  carriage  at  ten — ! 
[  The]/  go  together  into  the  library, 
Darbey. 
[7^(9  Sheba.]  Some  of  us  army  men  can  slave  too. 
Tarver's  queer  livah  has  thrown  all  the  arrange- 
ments for  the  Fancy  Ball  on  my  shoulders.    [Salome 
and  Tarver  re-enter. '\  Look  at  him — that's  when  he's 
enjoying  life ! 

Tarver. 
\^Laughing  convulsively.']  Ha !  ha !  ha !  ho  !  he  !  he ! 
Good,  eh,  Miss  Jedd  ? 

Salome. 
But  suppose  dear  Papa  should  hear  us  crimching 
down  the  gravel  path ! 


DANDY  DICK.  23 

Tarver. 
Oh !     [^JTe  sinks  on  to  the  settee  mith  a  vacant  stare^ 
his  arms  hanging  helplessly. 

Darbey. 
[  To  Sheba.]  There — now  his  career  is  a  burden  to 
him! 

Sheba. 
Oh! 

Salome. 
Would  you  like  a  glass  of  water,  Major  Tarver  ? 

Tarver. 
[  Taking  Salome's  handJ]  Thank  you,  dear  Miss 
Jedd,  with  the  least  suggestion  of  cayenne  pepper 
in  it. 

Sheba. 
\IjOohing  out  at  wi7idow.']    Oh,  Salome  !     Papa ! 
Papa! 

Tarver. 
The  Dean? 

Darbey. 
The  Dean! 

[  They  all  collect  themselves  in  a  fluster.  The 
two  girls  go  to  meet  their  father^  who  enters 
at  the  window  icith  his  head  bowed  and  his 
hands  behind  his  back^  in  deep  thought. 
The  Dean  is  a  portly  man  of  about  fifty  ^ 
vnth  a  dignified  demeanor^  a  suave  voice 
and  persuasive  manner^  and  a  noble  brow 
surmounted  by  silver-gray  hair.  Blore 
follows  The  Dean,  carrying  some  books.,  a 
small  bunch  of  flowers^  and  an  umbrella. 


24  DANDY  DICK. 

Salome. 
[  Tenderly,']  Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Papsey ! 

[The  Dean  rouses  himself^  discovers  his  chil- 
dren and  removes  his  hat. 

The  Dean. 

\^To  Salome.]  Salome!  \_To  Sheba.]  My  toy- 
child!  \_IIe  draws  the  girls  to  him  and  embraces 
them,  then  sees  Tarver  and  Darbey.]  Dear  me! 
Strangers ! 

Tarver  and  Darbey. 

[  Coughing  uncomfortably.']  H'm ! 

Salome. 
\^jReproachfully^  taking  his  hat  from  him.]    Papa! 
Major  Tarver  and  Mr.  Darbey  have  ridden  over  from 
Durnstone  to  ask  how  your  cold  is. 

[Sheba  takes  the  gold-rimmed  pince-nez 
which  hangs  upon  The  Dean's  waist- 
coat and  places  it  before  his  eyes. 

The  Dean. 
Dear  me !    Major !    Mr.  Garvey. 

Sheba. 

Mr.  Darbey ! 

The  Dean. 

Darbey  !  How  good  of  you  !  [  With  his  girls  still 
embracing  him  he  extends  a  hand  to  each  of  themen.] 
My  cold  is  better.  [Blore  goes  out  through  the  Li- 
brary.] Major — Mr.  Garvey — these  inquiries  strike 
me  as  being  so  kind  that  I  insist — no,  no,  I  beg  that 
you  will  sliare  our  simple  dinner  with  us  to-night  at 
six  o'clock  I 


DANDY  DICK.  25 

Tarver. 
[^J)tsconcerted,']  Oh ! 

Darbey. 
H'm! 

The  Dean. 
Let  me  see — Tuesday  night  is 

Salome. 
Leg  of  mutton,  Papa ! 

The  Dean^. 
Thank  you.    Mutton,  hot. 

Sheba. 
And  custards,  Papsey. 

The  Dean. 
Thank  you,  toy-child — custards,  cold.    And  a  wel- 
come— warm. 

Tarver. 
[^Zooking  to  Salome.]  Well,  I — ah — [Salome  nods 
her  head  to  him  viole7itly .'\     That  is,  certainly,  Dean, 
certainly. 

Darbey. 
Delighted,  my  dear  Dean — delighted ! 

The  Dean  gives  Darbey  a  severe  looJc^  and 
with  an  important  cough  walks  into  the 
Library,  The  men  and  the  girls  speak 
in  undertones. 

Tarver. 
[^Depressed.2  Now,  what  will  happen  to-night  ? 


26  DANDY  DICK, 

Salome. 
Why,  don't  you  see,  as  you  will  have  to  drive  over 
to  dine,  you  will  both  be  here,  on  the  spot,  ready  to 
take  us  back  to  Durnstone  ? 

[The  Dean  sits  at  his  desk  in  the  Library, 

Darbey. 
Of  course ;  when  we're  turned  out  we  can  hang 
about  in  the  lane  till  you're  ready. 

Tarver. 
Yes,  but  when  are  we  to  make  our  preparations  ? 
It'll  take  me  a  long  time  to  look  like  Charles  the 
First ! 

Sheba. 
We  can  drive  about  Durnstone  while  you  dress. 

Salome. 
[  To  Tarver,  admiringly.']  Charles  the  First !    Oh, 
Major ! 

Darbey. 
That  was  my  idea — Charles  the  Martyr,  you  know. 
Tarver's  a  martyr  to  his  liver — see  ? 

Sheba. 
Oh !  sha'n't  we  all  look  magnificent  ? 

Salome. 
Oh! 

Tarver. 
Grand  idea — the  whole  thing ! 

Darbey. 
Regular  army  notion ! 

[^They  are  all  in  a  state  of  great  excitement 
when  The  Dean  re-enters^  with  an  anx- 
ious look^  carrying  a  bundle  of  papers. 


DANDY  DICK.  27 

Salome. 
Here  is  Papa ! 

[  They  rush  to  various  seats,  all  in  constrained 
attitudes, 

Tarver. 
[  To  The  Dean.]  We  waited  to  say — good-morn- 
ing. 

The  Deax. 
[^Taking  his    hand,    abstractedly.']      How    kind! 
Good- morning ! 

Darbey. 
Six  o'clock  sharp,  Dean? 

The  Dean. 
At  six,  punctually.  Salome,  represent  me  by 
escorting  these  gentlemen  to  the  gate.  [Salome, 
Tarver,  and  Darbey  yo  out.  Sheba  is  following 
slyly  when  The  Dean  looks  up  from  his  papers.] 
Sheba! 

Sheba. 
Papsey ! 

The  Dean. 
Check  me  in  a  growing  tendency  to  dislike  Mr. 
Garvey.     At  dinner,  Sheba,  watch  that  I  carve  for 
him  fairly. 

Sheba. 
Yes,  Papsey !  ^ 

[The  Dean  tur7is  aicay  and  sits  on  the  settee. 
Sheba,  with  her  head  down  and  her  hands 
folded,  walks  towards  the  door,  and  then 
hounds  out. 

The  Dean. 
{^Turning  tlie papers  over  in   his  hand,    solemnly.] 
Bills !    \^He  rises,  walks  thoughtfully  to  a  chair,  sits 


28  DANDY  DICK. 

and  examines  papers  again.']  Bills  !  [^JTe  rises  again., 
walks  to  another  chair^  and  sinks  into  it  with  a 
groan.'\  Bills! 

Salome  and  Sheba  re-enter, 

Salome. 
[  To  Sheea,  in  a  whisper.]  Papa's  alone ! 

Sheba. 
A  beautiful  opportunity   to  ask  for  that  little 
present  of  money.     Poor  dear  Papa ! 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
Poor  dear  Papa ! 

[  Theg  link  their  hands  together  and  walk  as 
if  going  out  through  the  Library. 

The  Deat^. 

\_Looking  up.]  Don't  go,  children  ! 

[^Ile  rises,  the  girls  rush  to  him,  and  laugh- 
ing vnth  joy    they  turn  him  like  a  top), 
dancing  round  him. 
\_Panting.]  Stop,  children  !  * 

Sheba. 
Papsey's  in  a  good  humor ! 

Salome. 
[^Pinching  his  chin.]  He  always  is! 

Sheba. 
Papsey  will  listen  to  our  little  wants ! 

[  They  force  him  into  a  chair.  Salome  sits 
on  the  ground  embracing  his  legs,  Sheba 
lies  on  the  top  of  the  table. 


DANDY  DICK,  29 

The  Deais^. 
Oh  dear,  oh  dear !     Your  wants  are  very  httle 
ones.    What  are  they,  Salome?    What  are  they, 
toy-child? 

Salome. 
Papa !     Have  you  any  spare  cash  ? 

The  Deax. 
Spare  cash !     Playful  Salome ! 

Sheba. 
£ — s — (7,    Papsey,   or    £ — 5,   Papsey,   and  never 
mind  the — cl 

The  Dean. 
Ha!  ha!     I  am  glad,  really  glad,  children,  that 
you  have  broken  through  a  reserve  which  has  existed 
on  this  point  for  at  least  a  fortnight — and  babbled 
for  money. 

Sheba  a7id  Salome. 
\_Laughing  with  delight,']  Ha  !  ha ! 

The  Dean. 
It  gives  me  the  opportunity  of  meeting  your  de- 
mands with  candor.     Children,  I  have  love  for  you, 
solicitude  for  you,  but — I  have  no  spare  cash  for  any- 
body. 

[He  rises  and  walks  gloomily  across  to  the 
piano^  on  the  top  of  which  he  commences 
to  arrange  his  bills.  In  horror  Salome 
scrambles  up  from  the  floor,,  and  Sheba 
wriggles  off  the  table.  Simultaneously 
they  drop  on  to  the  same  chair  and  huddle 
together, 

Salome. 
[  To  herself  :\  Lost  I 


m  DANDY  DICK. 

Sheba. 
I  To  herself,']  Done  for! 

The  Dean. 

And  now  you  have  so  cheerily  opened  the  subject, 
let  me  tell  you  with  equal  good  humor  [emphatically 
jiourishing  the  bills]  that  this  sort  of  thing  must  be 
put  a  stop  to.  Your  dressmaker's  bill  is  shocking ; 
your  milliner  gives  an  analytical  record  of  the 
feverish  beatings  of  the  hot  pulse  of  fashion ;  your 
general  draper  blows  a  rancorous  blast  which  would 
bring  dismay  to  the  stoutest  heart.  Let  me  for  once 
peal  out  a  deep  paternal  bass  to  your  childish  treble 
and  say  emphatically — I've  had  enough  of  it ! 

[He  paces  up  and  down.     The  two  girls  utter 
a  loud  yell  of  grief 

Sheba. 
[  Through  her  tears.]  We've  been  brought  up  as 
young  ladies — that  can't  be  done  for  nothing ! 

Salome. 
Sheba's  small,  but  she  cuts  into  a  lot  of  material. 

The  Dean. 
My  girls,  it  is  such  unbosomings  as  this  which  pre- 
serve the  domestic  unison  of  a  family.  Weep,  howl, 
but  listen.  The  total  of  these  weeds  which  spring 
up  in  the  beautiful  garden  of  paternity  is  a  hundred 
and  fifty-six,  eighteen,  three.  Now,  all  the  money  I 
can  immediately  command  is  considerably  under 
five  hundred  pounds. 

Salome. 
Oh,  Papal 


DANDY  DICK.  31 

Sheba. 

Oh!  what  a  lot! 

The  Dean. 
Hush!     But  read,   Salome,  read  aloud  tiiis  para- 
graph ui  "  The  Times "  of  yesterday.     There,  m^ 
child. 

S^He  hands  a  copy  of  "  The  Times''''  to  Sa- 
lome uritJt  his  finger  upon  a  paragraph, 

Salome. 
\^Readingr\  "  A  Munificent  Offer.  Dr.  Jedd,  the 
Dean  of  St.  Marvells,  whose  anxiety  for  the  preser- 
vation of  the  Minister  Spire  threatens  to  undermine 
his  health,  has  subscribed  the  munificent  sum  of  one 
thousand  pounds  to  the  Restoration  Fund."  \^Ind%g- 
nantly.~\  Oh! 

Sheba. 
Oh !  and  we  gasping  for  clothing ! 

The  Deak. 
Read  on,  my  child. 

Salome. 
\_Reading .^^  "  On  condition  that  seven  other  donors 
come  forward,  each  with  the  like  sum." 

Salome. 
And  will  they  ? 

The  Dean. 
^^AnxiouslyT^  My  darling,  times  are  bad,  but  one 
never  knows. 

Sheba. 
If  they  don't! 


32  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
Then  you  will  have  your  new  summer  dresses  ai^ 
usual. 

Salome. 
\_IIoarselyJ\  But  if  they  do !     Speak,  Father ! 

The  Deax. 

[  Gloomily.']  Then  we  will  all  rejoice  ! 

Sheba  an6?  Salome. 
Rejoice ! 

The  Deax. 
And  retrench.     Two  R's,   little   ones.    Retrench 
and  Rejoice. 

l^The  ty)o  gh'ls  (Mag  to  each  other  as  Blore 
comes  fromj  the  Library  with  two  letters 
on  a  salver, 

Blore. 
The  second  post,  sir — just  hin. 

The  Dean. 
\_Blandly.']  Thank  you. 

Blore. 

[^Hearing  Salome  and  Sheba  crying."]  They've  'ad 
a  scolding,  'ussies.  Let  'em  'ang  that  on  the  'at- 
stand !  \_IIe  is  going  out. 

The  Dean. 

[  Opening  letters.]  Oh,  Blore !  This  note  from  Mr. 
Hodder,  the  Secretary  of  "  The  Sport  and  Relaxa- 
tion Repression  Guild,"  reminds  me  that  to-morrow 
is  the  first  day  of  the  Races — the  St.  Marvell&  Spring 
Meeting,  as  it  is  called. 


DANDY  DICK,  33 

Blore. 
Hindeed,  sir — fancy  that !    And  I  not  know  it ! 

The  Dea^. 

All  our  servants  may  not  resemble  you,  Blore. 
Pray  remind  them  in  the  kitchen  and  the  stable  of 
the  rule  of  the  house 

Blore. 
Xo  servant  allowed  to  leave  the  Deanery,  on  hany 
pretence,  while  the  Races  is  on. 

The  Dean. 

\_KmdlyJj  While  the  races  are  on — thank  you, 
Blore.  [  Opens  his  second  letter. 

Blore. 
Thank   you^  sir.  \_To   himself.']  Oh,  if  the   Dean 
only  knew  the  good  thing  I  could  put  him  on  to  for 
the  Durnstone  Handicap  !  [^He  goes  out. 

The  Dean. 
Children !     Salome  !    Sheba !    Here  is  good  news ! 

Salome. 
[Bunning  to  him,']  Good  news  ! 

Sheba. 
What  is  it? 

The  Dean. 
Your  Aunt ! 

Sheba. 
Left  us  some  money  ? 

The  Dean. 
Your  Aunt  is  coming  to  live  with  us. 
3 


34  DANDY  DICK. 

Sheba. 
To  what? 

Salome. 
To  live  with  us !    What  Aunt  ? 

The  Dean. 
My  dear  widowed  sister,  Georgiana  Tidman, 

Salome. 
What's  she  hke  ? 

Sheba. 
We  don't  want  her. 

The  Deat^. 
Good  gracious  !    Georgiana  and  I  reconciled  after 
all  these  years !     She  will  help  us  to  keep  the  ex- 
penses down. 

Salome. 
Keep  the  expenses  down  ! 

The  Dean. 
^Embracing  his  daughters.']  A  second  mother  to 
my  girls.    She  will  implant  the  precepts  of  retrench- 
ment if  their  father  cannot ! 

Salome. 
But,  Papa,  who  is  Aunt  what's-her-name  ? 

Sheba. 
Who  is  she? 

The  Dean. 
My  dears — a  mournful,  miserable  history !  [  With 
his  head  bent  he  walks  to  a  chair^  and  holds  out  his 
hands  to  the  girls.,  who  go  to  him  and  kneel  at  his 
feet.]  When  you  were  infants  your  Aunt  Georgiana 
married  an  individual  whose  existence  I  felt  it  my 
sad  duty  never  to  recognize. 


DANDY  DICK,  35 

Salome. 
A  bad  man  ? 

The  Dean. 
He  died  ten  years  ago,  and,  therefore,  we  will  say 
a  misguided  man.  He  was  a  person  who  bred 
horses  to  run  in  races  for  amusement  combined  with 
profit.  He  was  also  what  is  called  a  Gentleman 
Jockey,  and  it  was  your  aunt's  wifely  boast  that  if 
ever  he  vexed  her  she  could  take  a  stone  olf  his 
weight  in  half  an  hour.  In  due  course  his  neck  was 
dislocated. 

Sheba. 
By  Aunt  ? 

The  Dean. 
Hush,  child,  no !     You  will  be  little  wiser  when 
I  tell  you  he  came  a  cropper  I 

Salome. 
How  awful  it  all  sounds ! 

The  Dean. 
Left  a  widow,  you  would  think  it  natural  that 
Georgiana  Tidman  would  have  flown  to  her  brother, 
himself  a  widower.  Not  at  all.  Maddened,  I  hope, 
by  grief,  she  continued  the  career  of  her  misguided 
husband,  and  for  years,  to  use  her  own  terrible 
words,  she  was  "  the  Daisy  of  the  Turf." 

Sheba. 

What's  that? 

The  Dean. 

I  don't  know,  toy-child.  But  at  length  retribution 
came.  Ill  luck  fell  upon  her — her  horses,  stock, 
eveiy thing,  came  to  the  hammer.  That  was  my 
hour.  "  Come  to  me,"  I  wrote,  '"■  my  children  yearn 
for  you." 


36  DANDY  DICK. 

Sheba  and  Salome. 
j*  With  wry  faces.']  Oh ! 

The  Dean. 
"  At  the  Deanery  of  St.  Marvells,  with  the  cares  of 
a  household,  and  a  stable  which  contains  only  a  thir- 
teen-year-old pony,  you  may  obtain  rest  and  forget- 
fulness."    And  she  is  coming ! 

Sheba  and  SalomEo 
When?    Oh!  when? 

The  Deais^. 
She  merely  says,  "  Soon." 

Sheba  and  Salome. 
\^Stamping  with  vexation.']  Ugh! 

The  Dean. 
Salome,  Sheba,  you  will,  I  fear,  find  her  a  sad 
broken  creature,  a  weary  fragment,  a  wave-tossed 
derelict.  Let  it  be  your  patient  endeavor  to  win 
back  a  flickering  smile  to  the  wan  features  of  thi^* 
chastened  widow. 

Blore  enters  with  a  telegram. 

Bloke. 
A  telegram,  sir !  [The  Dean  opens  telegram, 

Sheba. 
No  Aunt  Tidman  flickers  a  smile  at  me  I 

Salome. 
I  wouldn't  be  in  her  shoes  for  something  I 

Sheba. 
Salt  in  her  bed,  Salome  I 


BANDY  DICK.  37 

Salome. 
Yes,  and  the  peg  out  of  the  rattling  window ! 

[  The]/  grip  hands  earnestly/. 

The  Dean. 

Good  gracious!  Bless  me!  Girls,  your  Aunt 
Georgiana  slept  at  the  "  Wheatsheaf,"  at  Durnstone, 
last  night,  and  is  coining  on  this  morning ! 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
To-day ! 

The  Deax. 
Blore,  tell  Willis  to  get  the  chaise  out. 

[Bloke  hurries  out. 

The  Deax. 
Salome,  child,  you  and  I  will  drive  into  Durnstone 
— we  may  be  in  time  to  bring  your  Aunt  over.  My 
hat,  Sheba !  Quick !  [  The  clang  of  the  gate  hell  is 
heard  in  the  distance.']  The  bell!  \Looking  out  of 
windovj.~\  No — yes — it  can't  be!  [^SpeaJdng  in  an 
altered  voice.]  Children !  I  wonder  if  this  is  your 
Aunt  Georgiana  ? 

[Blore  appears  with  a  half-frightened,,  sur- 
prised look. 

Blore. 
Mrs.  Tidman. 
Georgiaxa  Tidmax  enters.  She  is  a  jovial^  noisy 
woman.,  very  "  horsey  "  in  manners  and  appear- 
ance., and  dressed  in  pronounced  masculine  style., 
with  hilly  cock  hat  and  coaching  coat.  The  girls 
cling  to  each  other ;  The  Deax  recoils, 

Georgiaxa. 
Well,  Gus,  my  boy,  how  are  you? 


38  BANDY  DICK, 

The  Deaiq^. 
[^Shocked,']  Georgiana! 

Georgiana. 
[Patting  The  Dean's  cheeks.']  You're    putting  on 
too  much  flesh,  Augustin ;  they  should  give  you  a 
ten-miler  daily  in  a  blanket. 

The  Dean. 
[  With  dignity.']  My  dear  sister ! 

Georgiana. 
Are  these  your  two-year-olds?  \_To  Salome.] 
Kiss  your  Aunt !  \_She  kisses  Salome  with  a  good 
hearty  smack.]  [  To  Sheba.]  Kiss  your  Aunt !  \_8he 
embraces  Sheba,  then  stands  between  the  two  girls  and 
surveys  them  critically.,  touching  them  alternately 
with  the  end  of  her  cane.]  Lord  bless  you  both ! 
What  names  do  you  run  under  ? 

Salome. 
I — I  am  Salome. 

Sheba. 
I  am  Sheba. 

Georgiana. 
\^Looking  at  Sheba.]  Why,  little  'un,  your  stable 
companion  could  give  you  a  stone  and  then  get  her 
nose  in  front ! 

The  Dean. 
[  Who  has  been   impatiently  fuming.]    Georgiana, 
I  fear  these  poor  innocents  don't  "follow  your  well- 
intentioned  but  inappropriate  illustrations. 

Georgiana. 
Oh,  we'll  soon  wake  'em  up.    Well,  Augustin,  my 


BANDY  DICK.  39 

boy,  it's    nearly  twenty  years  since    you    and  I 
munched  our  corn  together. 

The  Dean. 
Our  estrangement  has  been  painfully  prolonged. 

Georgian  A. 
Since  then  we've  both  run  many  races,  though 
we've  never  met  in  the  same  events.  The  world 
has  ridden  us  both  pretty  hard  at  times,  Gus,  hasn't 
it?  We've  been  punished  and  pulled  and  led  down 
pretty  often,  but  here  we  are  {tapping  him  sharply 
in  the  chest  with  her  ca7ie\  sound  in  the  wind  yet. 
You're  doing  well,  Gus,  and  they  say  you're  going 
up  the  hill  neck-and-neck  with  your  Bishop.  I've 
dropped  out  of  it — the  mares  don't  last,  Gus — and 
it's  good  and  kind  of  you  to  give  me  a  dry  stable  and 
a  clean  litter,  and  to  keep  me  out  of  the  shafts  of  a 
"  Shrewsbury  and  Talbot." 

Sheba. 
{In  a  lohisper  to  Salome.]  Salome,  I  don't  quite 
understand  her — but  I  like  Aunt. 

Salome. 
So  do  I.    But  she's  not  my  idea  of  a  weary  frag- 
ment or  a  chastened  widow. 

The  Dean. 
My  dear  Georgiana,  I  rejoice  that  you  meet  me  in 
this   affectionate    spirit,   and   when — pardon   me — 
when  you  have  a  little  caught  the  tone  of  the  Dean- 
ery  

Georgiana. 
Oh,  I'll  catch  it ;  if  I  don't  the  Deanery  will  a  lit- 
tle catch  my  tone — the  same  thing.     [Sheba  laughs. 


40  DANDY  DICK, 

The  Dean. 
l^Heprovingly,']  Toy-child  ! 

Georgiana. 

Trust  George  Tidd  for  setting  things  quite  square 
in  a  palace  or  a  puddle. 

The  Deax. 
George  Tidd !     Who  is  George  Tidd  ? 

Georgiana. 
I  am   George  Tidd — that   was  my  racing  name. 
Ask  after  George  Tidd  at  Newmarket — they'll  tell 
you  all  about  me.     My  colors   were  crimson  and 
black  diamonds.     There  you  are. 

\_ProditGing  her  pocket-handkerchiefs  which  is 
crimson  and  black. 

The  Dean. 
Dear  me !      Very  interesting  !      Georgiana,   my 
dear.     One  moment,  children. 

[  The  girls  go  into  the  Library. 

The  Dean. 
[^Tapping   the  handkerchief^]    I  understand  dis- 
tinctly  from  your  letter  that    all    this   is   finally 
abandoned  ? 

Georgiana. 
Worse  luck !     They'll  never  see  my  colors  at  tin? 
post  again ! 

The  Dean. 

And  the  contemplation  of  sport  generally  as  a 
mental  distraction ? 


DANDY  DICK.  41 

Georgiana. 
Oh,  yes — I  dare  say  you'll  manage  to  wean  me 
from  that,  too,  in  time. 

The  Dean. 
In  time  !     Well,  but — Georgiana ! 

[  The  gate  bell  is  heard  again,  the  girls  re-enter. 

Georgiais^a. 
There's  a  visitor.     I'll  tootle  upstairs  and  have  a 
groom  down.     [  7'o  Salome  and  Sheba.]  Make  the 
running,  girls.    At  what  time  do  we  feed,  Angus  tin? 

The  Dean. 
There  is  luncheon  at  one  o'clock. 

Georgiana. 
Right.     The  air  here  is  so  fresh  I  sha'n't  be  sorry 
to  get  my  nose-bag  on. 

[_She  stalks  out,accornpanied  hy  the  girls. 

The  Dean. 
My  sister,  Georgiana — my  widowed  sister,  Geor- 
giana. Dear  me,  I  am  quite  disturbed.  Surely, 
surely  the  serene  atmosphere  of  the  Deanery  will 
work  a  change.  It  must !  It  must !  If  not,  what  a 
grave  mistake  I  have  made.  Good  gracious !  No,  no, 
I  won't  think  of  it !  Still,  it  is  a  little  unfortunate 
that  poor  Georgiana  should  arrive  here  on  the  very 
eve  of  these  terrible  races  at  St.  Marvells. 

Blore  enters  with  a  card. 

The  Dean. 
Who  is  it,  Blore  ?  [Reading  the  card.']   "  Sir  Tris- 
tram Mardon."     Dear,  dear  !     Certainly,  Blore,  cer- 


42  DANDY  DICE. 

tainly.    [Blore  goes  out.]    Mardon — why,  Mardon 

and  I  haven't  met  since  Oxford. 

[Blore  re-enters^  showing  in  Sir  Tristram  Mardox, 
a  well-preserved  man  of  about  fifty.,  vnth  a  ruddy 
face  and  jovial  manner.^  the  type  of  the  thorough 
JEnglish  sporting  gentleman,     Blore  goes  out. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Hullo,  Jedd,  how  are  you  ? 

The  Dean. 
My  dear  Mardon — are  we  boys  again  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
\_Boisterously.']     Of  course  we  are !     Boys  again ! 
[_IIe  hits  The  Dean  violently  in  the  chest. 

The  Dean. 

\Breathing  heavily — to  himself.']  I  quite  forgot 
how  rough  Mardon  used  to  be.  How  it  all  comes 
back  to  me! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Think  I'm  changed  ? 

The  Dean. 
Only  in  appearance ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
I'm  still  a  bachelor — got  terribly  jilted  by  a  woman 
years  ago  and  have  run  in  blinkers  ever  since.   Can't 
be  helped,  can  it  ?    You're  married,  aren't  you  ? 

The  Dean. 
[  With  dignity,']    I  have  been  a  widower  for  fifteen 
years. 


DANDY  DICK.  43 

Sir  Tristram. 
Oh  lor' !  awfully  sorry — can't  be  helped  though, 
can  it?  \_Seizing  The  Dean's  ha7id  and  squeezing  it,^ 
Forgive  me,  old  chap. 

The  Dean. 
[  Withdrawing  his  hand  with  pain."]  0-o-oh! 

Sir  Tristram. 
I've  re-opened  an  old  wound — damned  stupid  of 
me! 

The  Dean. 
Hush,  Mardoii !     Please ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
All  right.     What  do  you  think  I'm  down  here  for  ? 

The  Dean. 

For  the  benefit  of  your  health,  Mardon  ? 

Sir   Tristram. 
Ha !  ha !     Never  had  an  ache  in  my  life ;  sha'n't 
come  and  hear  you  preach  next  Sunday,  Gus. 

The  Dean. 
I  do  not  preach  next  Sunday ! 

Sir   Tristram. 
You'd  better  not !     No,  I'm  here  for  the  races. 

The  Dean. 
The  races !     Hush,  my  dear  Mardon,  my  girls 

Sir  Tristram. 
Girls !     May  I  trot  'em  into  the  paddock  to-mor- 
row? 


44  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 

Thank  you,  no. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Think  it  over.    You've  seen  the  list  of  Starters 
for  the  Durnstone  Handicap ? 

The  Dean. 
No,  I  haven't. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Not !     Look  here !     Sir  Tristram  Mardon's  Dandy 
Dick,  Nine  stone  two,  Tom  Gallawood  up  I     What 
do  you  think  of  that  ? 

The  Dean. 
1  don't  think  of  anything  like  that ! 

Sir   Tristram. 
\_Digging  The  Dean  in  the  ribs.']     Look  out  for 
my  colors — black  and  white,  and  a  pink  cap — first 
past  the  post  to-morrow. 

The  Dean. 
Really,  my  dear  Mardon 

Sir  Tristram. 
Grood  heavens  !  Jedd,  they  talk  about  Bonny  Betsy. 

The  Dean. 
I  grieve  to  hear  it.     The  tongue  of  scandal- 

Sir  Tristram. 
*"  Taking  The  Dean's  arm  and  walking  him  about,'] 
Do'  you  imagine,  sir,  for  one  moment,  that  Bonny 
Betsy,  with  a  boy  on  her  back,  can  get  down  that 
bill  with  those  legs  of  hers  ? 


DANDY  DICK.  46 

The  Dean. 
Another  horse^  I  presume  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
No,  a  bay  mare.     George  Tidd  knew  what  she  was 
about  when  she  stuck  to  Dandy  Dick  to  the  very 
last. 

The  Dean. 

[Aghast.2  George— Tidd  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
Georgiana  Tidman.     Dandy  came  out  of  her  stable 
after  she  smashed. 

The  Dean. 
Bless  me ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Poor  old  George!    I  wonder  what's   become  of 
her. 

The  Dean. 
My  dear  Mardon,  I  am  of  course  heartily  pleased 
to  revive  in  this  way  our  old  acquaintance.    I  wish 
it  were  in  my  power  to  offer  you  the  hospitality  of 
the  Deanery — but 

Sir  Tristram. 
Don't  name  it.     My  horse  and  I  are  over  the  way 
at  "  The  Swan."     Come  and  look  at  Dandy  Dick ! 

The  Dean. 
Mardon,  you  don't  understand.    My  position  in 

St.  Marvells 

Sir  Tristram. 
Oh,  I  see,  Jedd.     I  beg  your  pardon.     You  mean 
that  the  colors  you  ride  in  don't  show  up  well  on 
the  hill  yonder  or  m  the  stable  of  the  "  Swan  "  Inn. 


46  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
You  must  remember 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  remember  that  in  your  young  days  you  made 
the  heaviest  book  on  the  Derby  of  any  of  our  fellows. 

The  Dean. 
I  always  lost,  Mardon ;  indeed,  I  always  lost ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  remember  that  you  once  matched  a  mare  of  yonr 
own  against  another  of  Lord  Beckslade's  for  fifty 
pounds ! 

The  Dean. 
Yes,  but  she  wasn't  in  it,  Mardon — I  mean  she  was 
dreadfully  beaten. 

Sir  Tristram. 
\^Sha7cing  his  head  sorrowfully.']   Oh  Jedd,  Jedd — 
other  times,  other  manners.     Good-bye,  old  boy. 

The  Dean. 

You're  not — you're  not  offended,  Mardon  ? 

Sir  T:iistram. 
\_TaMng  The  Dean's  hmidJ]  Offended!  No — . 
only  sorry.  Dean,  damned  sorry,  to  see  a  promising 
lad  come  to  an  end  like  this.  [Georgiana  enters 
with  Salom:^  on  one  side  of  her  and  Sheba  on  the 
other — all  three  laughing  and  chatting^  apparently  the 
best  of  friends.']    By  Jove !     No !  what — Tidd  ? 

Georgiana. 
Hullo,  Mardon ! 

[  They  shake  hands  tcarmly. 


DANDY  DICK.  47 

Sir  Tristram. 
Of  all  places  in  the  world,  to  find  "Mr.  Tidd!'' 
[JRoaring  with  laughter.^     Ho  !  ho !  ho ! 

Georgian^a. 
\_Laughing.']     Ha  !  ha  ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Why,  Dean,  you've  been  chaf&ng  me,  have  you  *? 

The  Dean. 
No! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Yes,  you  have — you've  been  roasting  your  old 
friend ! 

The  Dean. 

[  With  dignity.']  Mardon  ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Tidd  is  a  pal  of  yours,  eh  ?    Ho !  ho ! 

Georgiana. 
Ha!  ha! 

The  Dean. 
Sir  Tristram  Mardon,  Mrs.  Tidman  is  my  sister. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Your  sister  ? 

Georgiana. 
Yes,  I've  been  running  a  bit  dark,  Mardon,  but 
that  stout,  well-seasoned  animal  over  there  and  this 
skittish  creature  come  of  the  same  stock  and  were 
foaled  in  the  same  stable.  [^Pointing  to  Salome  and 
Sheba.]  There  are  a  couple  of  yearlings  here,  you 
don't  know.    My  nieces — Salome  and  Sheba. 


48  DANDT  DICK. 

Sir  Tristram. 
l^Bowin^.l     How  do   you  do?     {Heartily   talcing 
Georgiana's  Afm^  agaiiiJ]     Well,  I  don't  care  whose 
sister  you  are,  but  I'm  jolly  glad  to  see  you,  George, 
my  boy. 

Georgiana. 
Gracious,  Tris,  don't  squeeze  my  hand  so ! 

The  Dean. 
{In  horror.']     Salome,  Sheba,  children !     1  must 
speak  to  you.     Excuse  me,  Mardon.     [  To  himself,'] 
Oh,  what  shall  I  do  with  my  widowed  sister  ? 

[_IIe  goes  into  the  garden, 

Sheba. 
\_To  Salome.]     That's  like  pa,  just  as  we  were 
getting  interested. 

Salome. 
We'll  come  back  in  a  minute. 

[  They  go  out  by  the  window. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Lord  !     How  odd  !     You  know  your  brother  and 
I  were  at  Oxford  together,  George  ? 

Georgiana. 
Were  you,  Tris  !     Then  are  you  putting  up  here  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
He  won't  have  me. 

Georgiana. 
Won't  have  you ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Because  I'm  down  here  racing.    You  see,  he's  a 
Dean. 


DANDY  DICK.  19 

Georgiana. 
Is  he?      Well,   then,   you   just  lay  a  thousand 
sovereigns  to  a  gooseberry  that  in  this  house  I'm  a 
Dean,  too! 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  suppose  he's  thinking  of  the  Canons — and  the 
Bishop — and  those  chaps. 

Georgiana. 
Lord  bless  your  heart,  they're  all  right  when  you 
(f'.heer  them  up  a  bit !  If  I'm  here  till  the  autumn 
meeting  you'll  find  me  lunching  on  the  hill,  with  the 
Canons  marking  my  card  and  the  dear  old  Bishop 
mixing  the  salad.  So  say  the  word,  Tris — I'll  make 
it  all  right  with  Augustin. 

Sir  Tristram. 
N^o,  thanks,  old  fellow.     The  fact  is  I'm  fixed  at 
the  "  Swan"  with — what  do  you  think,  George? — 
with  Dandy  Dick. 

Georgiana. 
Oh !  my  old  Dandy ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  brought  him  down  with  me  in  lavender.    You 
know  he  runs  for  the  Durnstone  Handicap  to-mor- 
row. 

Georgiana. 

Know !  There's  precious  little  that  horse  does  that 
I  don't  know,  and  what  I  don't  know  I  dream.  Is 
he  fit? 

Sir  Tristram. 
As  a  fiddle — shines  like  a  mirror — not  an  ounce 
too  much  or  too  little.     He'll  romp  in  ! 

4 


60  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiana. 
He'll  dance  in !     Tris  Mardon ! 


Eh? 


Sir  Tristram. 
Georgiana. 


\^Mysteriously.']  Tris,  Dandy  Dick  doesn't  belong 
to  you — not  all  of  him. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[N'o — I've  only  a  half  share.     At  your  sale  he  was 
knocked  down  to  John  Fielder  the  trainer.     The 
other  half  belongs  to  John. 

Georgiat^a. 
No,it  doesn't,  it  belongs  to  me! 

Sir  Tristram.* 

George  I 

Georgian  A. 

Yes,  directly  I  saw  Dandy  Dick  marched  out  be- 
fore the  auctioneer  I  asked  John  Fielder  to  help  me, 
and  he  did,  like  a  Briton.  For  I  can't  live  without 
horseflesh,  if  it's  only  a  piece  of  cat's  meat  on  a 
skewer.  But  when  I  condescended  to  keep  company 
with  the  Canons  and  the  Bishop  here  I  promised 
Augustin  that  I  wouldn't  own  anything  on  four  legs, 
so  John  sold  you  half  of  Dick,  and  I  can  swear  I 
don't  own  a  horse — and  I  don't — not  a  whole  one. 
But  half  a  horse  is  better  than  no  bread,  Tris — and 
we're  partners. 

Sir  Tristram. 

[jRoarmy  with  laughter.']  Ho  !  ho  !  ha  !  ha !  ha ! 

Georgiana. 
What  are  you  laughing  at,  man  ? 


DANDY  DICK.  51 

Sir  Tristram. 
Oh,  the  Dean !  the  Dean  ! 

Salome  and  Sheba  enter  unperceived. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[SHU  laughing,']  I — ho  !  ho ! — I  beg  your  pardon, 
George — ha !  ha  !     Well,  now  you  know  he's  fit,  of 
course,  you're  going  to  back  Dandy  Dick  for  the 
Durnstone  Handicap. 

Georgiaxa. 
Back  him  !     For  every  penny  I've  got  in  the  world. 
That  isn't  much,  but  if  I'm  not  a  richer  woman  by  a 
thousand  pounds  to-morrow  night  I  shall  have  had 
a  bad  day. 

Salome. 
Oh,  Sheba ! 

[  The  girls  come  towards  the  Library, 

Georgiana. 
[^Discovering  them.']  Hush  !  [  To  the  girls,]  Hallo  I 

Sheba. 
It's  only  us,  Aunt. 

[  The  girls  go  into  the  Library. 

Sir  Tristram. 
I'll  be  off. 

Georgiana. 
Keep  your  eye  on  the  old  horse,  Tristram. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Don't  fear.    Good-morning,  George  I 


52  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgia:n^a. 
Good-morning,    partner!      [Sir  Tristram    bursts 
out  laughing  again,  she  Joining  in  the  laughter,']  Oh,  do 
be  quiet ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Ho !  ho !  ho !     Ha !  ha !     Oh,  say  good-bye  for  me 
to  the  Dean!     [^^he  gives  him  a  push  and  he  goes 
out. 

Sheba  and  Salome   immediately  re-enter  from  the 
Library, 

Sheba. 
Aunt — dear  Aunt 

Georgiana. 
Well,  girls? 

Sheba. 
Aunt — Salome  has  something  to  say  to  you. 

Salome. 
No,  it's  Sheba. 

Georgiana. 
Why,  you're  shivering  all  over.  [  Catching  hold  of 
Sheba.]  Hallo,  little  'un ! 

Sheba. 
Aunt — dear  Aunt  Georgiana — we  heard  you  say 
something  about  a  thousand  pounds. 

Georgiana. 
You've  been  listening  ? 

Sheba. 
Ko — we  only  merely  heard.    And,  oh.  Aunt,   a 
thousand  pounds  is  such  a  lot,  and  we  poor  girls 
want  such  a  little. 


DANDY  DICK.  63 

Georgiana. 
Money? 

Sheba. 
Yes.    Salome  has  rather  got  into  debt. 

Georgiana. 
My  gracious ! 

Salome. 
I  haven't,  any  more  than  you  have,  Sheba. 

Sheba. 
Well,  Tm  in  debt  too,  but  I  only  meant  to  beg  for 
Salome ;  but  now  1  ask  for  both  of  us.    Oh,  Aunt 
Tidman,  papa  has  told  us  that  you  have  known 
troubles. 

Georgian  A. 
So  I  have — Cheaps  of  them. 

Sheba. 
Oh,   I'm  so  glad.     Because  Salome  and  I  are 
weary  fragments  too — we're  everything  awful  but 
chastened  widows.    We  owe  forty  pounds  unknown 
to  Pa  I 

Salome. 
Forty  pounds,  nineteen. 

Georgiais^a. 
Why,  you  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourselves,  you 
girls ! 

Sheba. 

We  are  I 

Salome. 

We  are  I 


54  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiana. 
To  cry  and  go  on  like  this  about  forty  pounds  1 

Sheba. 

But  we've  only  got  fifteen  and  threepence  of  our 
own  in  the  world !  And,  oh,  Aunt,  you  know  some- 
thing about  the  Races,  don't  you  ? 

Georgiana. 
Eh? 

Sheba. 
If  you  do,  help  two  poor  creatures  to  win  forty 
pounds,  nineteen.     Aunt  Georgiana,  what's  "  Dandy 
Dick  "  you  were  talking  to  that  gentleman  about  ? 

Georgiana. 
Child !     Dandy  Dick's  a  horse. 


Sheba. 

We  thought  so. 

Then  let  Dandy  Dick  win  U8 

some  money. 

Georgiana. 

No,  no !    I  won' 

t  hear  of  it! 

Sheba. 

Oh,  do,  do  I 

Salome. 

Oh,  do,  do,  do ! 

Georgiana. 
Go  away — I  won't.    I  say  decidedly,  I  will  not! 

Sheba. 
Oh,  do,  do  1 


DANDY  DICK.  55 

Salome. 
Do!    Do,  and  we'll  love  you  for  ever  and  ever, 
Aunt  Georgiaiia. 

Georgian  A. 
You  will !  [  fS/ie  erabraces  them  heartily.']  Bless  your 
little  innocent  faces!     Do  you  want  to  win  forty 
pounds 't 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
Yes,  yes! 

Georgiana. 
Do  you  want  to  Y^mffty  pounds? 

Sheba  and  Salome, 
Oh,  yes,  yes ! 

Georgiana. 
\_Ta7cing  her  betting  hook  from  her  pocket.']     Very 
well,  then,  put  your  very  petticoats  on  Dandy  Dick ! 

[  The  girls  stand  clutching  their  skirts^  frightened. 

Salome. 
Oh! 

Sheba. 
Oh» 


END  OF  THE  FIRST  ACT. 


56  DANDY  DICK. 


THE  SECOND  ACT. 

The  morning-room  at  the  JMane7y,  with  the  fire  and 
the  lamps  lighted.     It  is  after  dinner, 

Sheba  is  playing  the  piano^  Salome  lolling  upon 
the  settee^  and  Georgian  a  pouring  out  tea.  They 
are  in  evening  dress, 

Georgian  A. 
Sugar,    Sally?    I    call    you    Sally,    Salome — the 
evening's  too  short  for  your  name. 

Salome. 
All  right,  Aunt  George — two  lumps,  please. 

Georgian  A. 
[To  Sheba.]  Little  'un  ? 

Sheba. 
Two  lumps  and  one  in  the  saucer,  to  eat. 

Georgiana. 
Quite  a  relief  to  shake  off  the  gentlemen,  isn't  it  ? 

Salome. 
Do  you  think  so,  Aunt? 

Sheba. 
Oil,  Z don't  think  so. 


DANDY  DICK,  57 

Georgia  NA. 
H'm !    'Now  I  understand  why  my  foot  was  al- 
ways in  the  way  under  the  dinner-table. 

[jShe  holds  out  two  cups,  which  the  girls  take 
from  her. 

Salome. 
I  thought  the  dinner  was  an  overwhelming  suc- 
cess. 

Sheba. 
All  our  dinners  are  at  the  Deanery. 

Georgiana. 
Awfully  jolly.     Mutton  was  overdone. 

^  Salome. 

That's  our  new  cook's  one  failing. 

Georgiana. 
But  the  potatoes  weren't — they  rattled. 

Sheba. 
Cook  never  can  manage  potatoes. 

Georgiana. 
What  was  wrong  with  the  custards  ? 

Salome. 
Well,  it  was  Cook's  first  attempt  at  custards. 

Georgiana. 
However,  they  served  one  useful  end.    Now  we 
Tcnov)  the  chimney  wants  sweeping. 

Salome. 
But  it  was  a  frightfully  jolly  dinner — take  it  all 
round. 


\ 

58  'iTANBT  DICK. 

Sheba. 
Yes,  take  it  all  round.    One  has  to  take  things  all 
round. 

Georgiana. 
What  made  us  all  so  sad  and  silent — ^taking  us  all 
round  ? 

Sheba. 
Dear  Papa  was  as  lively  as  an  owl  with  neuralgia. 

Georgiana. 
Major  Tarver  isn't  a  conversational  cracker. 

Salome. 
Gerald  Tarver  has  no  liver — to  speak  of. 

Georgian  A. 
He  might  have   spoken  about  his  lungs  or  some- 
thing, to  cheer  us  up. 

Sheba. 
I  fancy  Mr.  Darbey  was  about  to  make  a  witty 
remark  once. 

Georgian  A. 
Yes,  and  then  the  servant  handed  him  a  dish  and 
he  shied  at  it.     So  we  lost  that. 

Salome. 
Still,   we  ought  to  congratulate  ourselves  upon 

a — upon  a 

Sheba. 


Upon  a — ^upon  a 

Georgiana. 
Upon  a  frightfully  jolly  dinner.     [  Taking  her  bet- 
ting book  from  her  pocket. 2    Excuse  me,  girls.    I've 


DANDY  DICK.  59 

some  figures  to  work  out.  If  Dandy  Dick  hasn't  fed 
better  at  the  "  Swan  "  than  we  have  at  the  Dean- 
ery, he  won't  be  in  the  first  three.  [^Reckoning.']  Let 
me  see. 

Salome. 

[^To  Sheba.]  All's  settled,  Sheba,  isn't  it? 

Sheba. 
[To   Salome.]    Yes — everything.      Directly   the 
house  is   silent  we  let  ourselves  out  at  the  front 
door. 

Salome. 

How  do  we  get  in  again  ? 

Sheba. 
By  this  window.     It  has  a  patent  safety  fastening, 
so  it  can  be  opened  with  a  hairpin. 

Salome. 
We're  courageous  girls,  aren't  we? 

Sheba. 
Yes,  I  don't  consider  we're  ordinary  young  ladies, 
at  all. 

Salome. 
If  we  had  known  Aunt  a  little  longer  we  might 
have  confided  in  her  and  taken  her  with  us. 

Sheba. 
Poor  Aunt — we  mustn't  spoil  her. 

Dakbey. 
\_Speaking  outside.']  I  venture  to  difter  with  you, 
my  dear  Dean. 


60  ,  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiana. 
Here  come  the  wax- works  ! 

\_Shejoi7is  the  girls  as  Darbey  enters  through 
the  Library  ^patronizing  The  Dean,  who 
accompanies  him. 

Darbey. 
Haw !    I've  just  been  putting  the  Dean  right  about 

a  little  army  question,  Mrs. — ^Mrs. I  can't  catch 

your  name. 

Georgiana. 
Don't  try — you'd  come  out  in  spots,  like  measles. 
[Darbey  stands  hy  her^  blankly ^  then  attempts 
a  conversation. 

The  Dean. 
[  To  Salome  and  Sheba.]  Children,  it  is  useless  to 
battle  against  it  much  longer. 

Salome. 
Against  what.  Papa? 

The  Dean. 
A  feeling  of  positive  distaste  for  Mr.  Darbey. 

Sheba. 
Oh,  Papsey — think  what  Wellington  was  at  hi^i 
age. 

Major  Tarver  enters^  pale  and  haggard. 

Salome  meets  him. 

Salome. 
Major! 

Tarver. 

[  With  a  gasp.']  Oh ! 


•\- 


DANDY  DICK.  \  61 

Salome. 
Xot  well  again  ? 

Tarver. 
^    Indigestion.     I'm  always  like  this  after  dinner. 

Salome. 
But  what  would  you  do  if  the  trumpet  summoned 
you  to  battle  ? 

Tarver. 
Oh,  I  suppose  I  should  pack  up  a  few  charcoal 
biscuits  and  toddle  out,  you  know. 

Georgiana. 
[  To  Darbey.]  I've  never  studied  the  Army  Guide. 

Darbey. 
You're  thinking  of 

Georgiana. 
The  Turf  Guide — beg  pardon.     I  mean,  the  Army 
keeps  a  string  of  trained  nurses,  doesn't  it  ? 

Darbey. 
There  are  Army  nurses. 

Georgiana. 
Certainly.     I  was  wondering  whether  your  Colonel 
will  send  one  with  a  perambulator  to  fetch  you  at 
about  half-past  eight. 

[_She  leaves  Darbey  and  goes  to  The  Dean. 
Su^BA  joins  Darbey  at  the  piano. 

Georgiana. 
Well,  Gus,  my  boy,  you  seem  out  of  condition. 


62  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 

I'm  rather  anxious  for  the  post  to  bring  to-day's 
"  Times."  You  know  I've  offered  a  thousand  pounds 
to  our  Restoration  Fund. 

Georgiajva. 
What! 

The  Dean. 
Hush— I'll  tell  you. 

\^They   talk    in    undertones,      Blore     enters  to 
remove  the  tea-tray, 

Tarver. 
[Jumping  up   excitedly — to   Salome.]    Eh?      Oh, 
certainly — delighted  !  \_Singing  to  himself.']  "  Come 
into  the  garden,  Maud,  for  the  black  bat " 

Salome. 

Now  you're  yourself  again. 

Tarver. 

I'm  always  dreadfully  excited  when  I'm  asked  to 

sing.     It's  as  good  as  a  carbonate  of  soda  lozenge  to 

me  to  be  asked  to  sing.     [  To  Blore.]  My  music  is 

in  my  overcoat  pocket.     [Blore  crosses  to  the  door. 

Sheba. 
And  Mr.  Darbey  has  brought  his  violin. 

Tarver. 
[^In  a  rage^  glaring  at  Darbey.]  Hah  !  There  now ! 

Darbey. 
{^To  Blore.]  You'll  find  it  in  the  hall. 

[Blore  goes  out.  The  Dean  dozes  in  a  chair, 
Salome  and  Sheba  talk  to  Georgiana  at 
the  table. 


DANDY  DICK.  63 

Tarver. 
[  To  himself.^  He  always  presumes  with  his  con- 
founded fiddle  when  I'm  goin^  to  entertain.      He 
knows  that  his  fiddle's  never  hoarse  and  that  I  am, 
sometimes. 

Darbey. 
[  To  himself.']  Tarver  always  tries  to  cut  me  out 
with  his  elderly  Chest  C.     He  ought  to  put  it  on  the 
Retired  List. 

Tarver. 
I'll  sing  him  off  his  legs  to-night^I'm  in  lovely 
voice. 

\^JTe  walks  into  the  Library  and  is  heard 
trying  his  voice^  singing  "  Come  into  the 
garden^  MaudP 

Darbey. 
[  To  himself.']  He  needn't  bother  himself.     While 
he  was  dozing  in  the  carriage  I  threw  his  music  out 
of  the  window. 

Tarver  re-enters  triumphantly, 

Blore  re-enters^  carrying  a  violin-case  and  a  leather 
music  roll,  Darbey  takes  the  violin-case^  opens 
it^  and  produces  his  violin  and  rnusic.  Bloke 
hands  the  inusic  roll  to  Tarver  and  goes  out, 

Tarver. 
\_To  Salome,  tremhUng  loith  excitement.]  My  tones 
are  like  a  beautiful  bell  this  evening.     I'm  so  glad, 
for  all  our  sakes.     \_As  he  takes  the  leather  music  roll 
from  Blore.]  Thank  you,  that's  it. 

Salome. 
What  will  you  begin  with  ? 


64  DANDY  DICK. 

Tarver. 
*'  Come  into  the  garden,  Maud."     I've  begun  witli 
"Corne  into  the  garden,  Maud"  for  years  and  years. 
[7/6  opens   the  music  roll — it  is  empty. ~\  Oh!    Misii 
Jedd,  I've  forgotten  my  music! 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
Oh !  Major  Tarver ! 

[Tarver   with  a  groan  of  despair  sinks  on  to 
the  settee, 

Sheba. 
Never  mind — Mr.  Darbey  will  play. 

Darbey. 
[  Tuning  his  violin,']  Will  you  accompany  me  ? 

Sheba. 
[^Raising  her  eyes."]  To  the  end  of  the  world. 

[^Shesits  at  the  piano, 
Darbey. 
My  mother  sa^^s  that  my  bowing  is  something  like 
Joachim's,  and  she  ought  to  know. 

Sheba. 
Why? 

Darbey. 
Oh,  because  she's  heard  Joachim. 

\J)xuB^Y plays  and  Sheba  accompanies  him . 
Salome  sits  beside  Tarver. 

Georgiana. 
[  To  herself,"]  Well,  after  all,  George,  my  boy,  you're 
not  stabled  in  such  a  bad  box !     Here  is  a  regular 
pure,  simple,  English  Evening  at  Home  1 


DANDY  DICK.  66 

The  Deais". 
^^Mumhling  to  himself.']  A  thousand  pounds  to  the 
Restoration  Fund  and  all  those  bills  to  settle — oh 
dear !  oh  dear  1  What  shall  I  do  ? 

Salome. 
[  To  herself,']  I  hope  my  ball-dress  will  drive  all 
the  other  women  mad  ! 

Tarver. 
[  To  himself — glariny  at  Darbey.]  I  feel  I  should 
like  to  garrote  him  with  his  bass  string. 

Georgiana. 
^Frowning  at  her  betting  hook.]  I  think  I  shall 
hedge  a  bit  over  the  Crumbleigh  Stakes. 

Darbey. 
\^As  he  plays.,  glancing  at  Tarver.]  I  wonder  how 
old  Tarver's  Chest  C  likes  a  holiday. 

Sheba. 
{^As  she  plays,]  We  must  get  Pa  to  bed  early. 
Dear  Papa's  always  so  dreadfully  in  the  way. 

Georgian^a. 
\^LooJcing  around,']  No — there's  nothing  like  it  in 
any  other  country.    A  regular,  pure,  simple,  English 
Evening  at  Home  i 

Blore  enters  quickly  ^cutting  "  The  Times'''^  with 
a  paper-knife  as  he  enters, 

Blore. 
The  paper's  just  arrived. 

\^The  m^usic  stops  abruptly — all  the  ladies 
glare  at  Blore  and  hush  him  down. 

Georgiana,  Salome,  and  Sheba. 
Sssssh ! 

6 


:66  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
ITaking  the  paper  from  Blore.]  This  is  my  fault 
— there  may  be    something  in    "The  Times"   of 
special  interest  to  me.     Tliank  you,  Blore. 

[Blore  goes  out. 
Tarver. 

^   Ha,  ha,  ha !  spoilt  his  pianissimo ! 

The  Dean. 
[^/Scanning  the  paper."]  Oh,  I  can't  believe  it! 

Georgiana. 
What's  the  matter  ? 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
Papa! 

Tarver  and  Darbey. 
The  Dean ! 

The  Dean. 

Children !     Georgiana !    Friends !    My  munificent 
offer  has  produced  the  desired  result. 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
Oh! 

The  Dean. 
Seven  wealthy  people,  including  three  brewers, 
have  come  forward  with  a  thousand  pounds  apiece 
in  aid  of  the  restoration  of  the  Minster  Spire  I 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
IJSbrriJied.']  Ah! 

Georgiana. 
That  means  a  cool  thousand  out  of  your  pocket, 
Gus. 


BAWDY  DICK.  67 

The  Dean^. 
Yes.  lJ^eadi7i(/.'\  "  The  anxiety  to  which  The  Dean 
of  St.  Marvells  has  so  long  been  a  victim  will  now 
doubtless  be  relieved."  IWith  his  hand  to  his  head."] 
I  suppose  I  shall  feel  the  relief  to-morrow. 

Georgiana. 

What's  wrong  with  the  Spire  ?  Nobody  sleeps  in 
it? 

The  Dean^. 

It  is  a  little  out  of  repair — but  hardly  sufficiently 
so  to  warrant  the  presumptuous  interference  of  three 
brewers.  Excuse  me,  I  think  I'll  enjoy  the  fresh 
air  for  a  moment.  \^IIe  goes  to  the  window  and  draws 
back  the  curtains — a  bright  red  glare  is  seen  in  the 
skg."]    Bless  me  !     Look  there ! 

Georgiana,  Salome,  and  Sheba. 
Oh!  what's  that? 

The  Dean. 
It's  a  conflagration ! 

Salome. 
[  Clinging  to  Tarver.]  Where  is  it  ?  Are  we  safe  ? 

Sheba. 
[^Clinging  to  Darbey.]    Where    is   it?    Are  we 
safe  ? 

Georgiana. 
Where  is  it  ? 

Blore  enters  with  a  scared  looh. 

The  Dean. 
[  To  Blore.]  Where  is  it  ? 


68  DANDY  DICK. 

All. 
Where  is  it  *? 

Blore. 
The  old  Swan  Inn's  a-fire ! 

[The  gate-hell  is  heard  ringing  violently  in  the  dis* 
tance,     Blore  goes  out, 

Georgiana. 
[  Uttering  a  loud  screech. '\  The  Swan  Inn  !  {^JSladly^^ 
You  girls,  get  me  a  hat  and  coat.     Somebody  fetch 
me  a  pair  of  boots  ! 

[Salome,  Sheba,  and  Taryer  go  to  the 
windoio. 

The  Dean. 
Georgiana ! 

Georgiaxa. 
Don't  talk  to  me  !   [  To  Tarver.]    Lend  me  your 
boots ! 

Taryer. 
^^     I  daren't.    If  I  once  get  cold  extremities 

Georgiana. 
Ah! 

\_She  is  going ^  The  Deans^ojo^  her. 

The  Dean. 

Respect    yourself,    Georgiana — where    are    you 
going? 

Georgiana. 
Going!    I'm  going  to  help  clear  the  stables  at 
The  Swan ! 

The  Dean. 
Remember  what  you  are— my  sister — a  lady  I 


DANDY  DICK,  60 

Georgiana. 
I'm  not.     George  Tidd's  a  man,  every  inch  of  her ! 
[Sir  Tristram  rushes  in    breathlessly ,     Grorgiaxa 
rushes  at  him  and  clutches  his    coat.^  Tris  Mardon, 
speak ! 

Sir  Tristram. 

IJEJxhausted,}   Oh! 

Georgiana. 
The  horse  ?    The  horse !     You've  got  him  out  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
Yes,  safe  and  sound. 

Georgiana. 
Safe  and  sound  !     That  old  horse  has  backed  him- 
self to  win  the  handicap. 

[She  sinks  into  a  chair.  Tarver  and  Darbey 
with  Salome  a7id  Sheba  stand  looking  out 
of  the  windoiij. 

Sir  Tristram. 
•  George,  his  tail  is  singed  a  bit. 

Georgiaxa. 
The  less   weight  for   him   to  carry   to-morrow. 
[^Beginning  to  cry,'\  Dear  old  Dandy,  he  never  was 
much  to  look  at. 

Sir  Tristram. 
The  worst  of  it  is,  the  fools  threw  two  pails  of  cold 
water  over  him  to  put  it  out. 

Georgiana. 
Oh !  that's  done  him ! 


70  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
Now,  my  dear  Georgiana !  what  is  a  horse  ? 

Georgiana. 
A  living  example  to  a  Dean.  [The  Deat^  goes  dis- 
tractedly  into  the  Library, '\     Where  is  the  animal  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
My  man  Hatcham  is  running  him  up  and  down 
the  lane  here  to  try  to  get  him  warm  again. 

Georgiana. 
Where  are  you  going  to  put  the  homeless  beast 
up  now  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  don't  know. 

Georgiana. 
[^Starting  upJ]     I  do  though  ! 

The  Dean. 
Madwoman !     What  are  you  going  to  do? 

Georgiana. 
Bring  Dandy  Dick  into  our  stables  ! 

The  Dean. 
No,  no ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
The  very  place ! 

The  Dean, 
Georgiana,  pray  consider  me! 

Georgiana. 
So  I  will,  when  you've  had  two  pails  of  water 
thrown  over  you.  [The  Dean  vmlks  about  in 

despair. 


DANDY  DICK.  71 

The  Dean. 
Mardon,  I  appeal  to  j/ou  ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Oh,  Dean,  Dean,  I'm  ashamed  of  you ! 

Georgiai^a. 
[  To  Sir  Tristram.]  Are  you  ready  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
\^Takes  off  his  coat  and  throws  it  over  Georgiana's 
shoulders,']   George,  you're  a  brick  ! 

Georgiana. 
A  brick,  am  I  ?  [  Quietly  to  him.']  One  partner  pulls 
Dandy  out  of  the  Swan — t'other  one  leads  Dandy  into 
the  Deanery.     Quits,  my  lad !     [  They  go  out  together. 

The  Dean. 

What  is  happening  to  me  !  It  will  be  in  all  the 
sporting  papers.  "  Sir  Tristram  Mardon's  Dandy 
Dick  reflected  great  credit  upon  the  Deanery 
Stables  !  "     "  The  Sporting  Dean !  " 

[_IIe  vjalks  into  the  Library.,  where  he  sinks 
into  a  chair ^  as  Salome,  Tarver,  Dakbet 
and  Sheba  come  from  the  window. 

Tarver. 
They're  getting  the  flames  under.     If  I  had  had 
my  goloshes  with  me  I  should  have  been  here,  there, 
and  everywhere. 

Darbey. 
Where  there's  a  crowd  of  Civilians  the  Military 
exercise  a  wise  discretion  in  restraining  themselves. 


72  DANDY  DICK. 

Sheba. 
[  To  Tarver  cmdT) aub^y.]  You  had  better  go  now; 
then  we'll  get  the  house  quiet  as  soon  as  possible. 
Poor  Papa  looks  worried. 

Sheba  cmd  Salome. 
Poor  Papa! 

Tarver. 
^^    We  will  wait  with  the  carriage  in  the  lanCc 

Salome. 
Yes,  yes.     [  Calling.']   Papa,  Major  Tarver  and  Mr. 
Darbey  must  go. 

[_She  rings  the  hell.    The  Dean  comes  from 
the  Library. 

The  Deaist. 
Dear  me,  Fm  very  remiss  ! 

Tarver. 
[Shaking  hands.]  Most  fascinating  evening! 

Darbey. 
[^/Shaking  hands.]  Charming,  my  dear  Dean. 
Blore  enters. 

Salome. 
Major  Tarver's  carriage. 

Blore.  . 
Hat  the  gate.  Miss  Salome. 
Salome. 
Don't  risk  the  cold,  Papa. 

[Blore  goes  otit,  followed  hy  Sheba,  Salome, 
and  Tarver.  Darbey  is  going^  when  he 
returns  to  The  Dean. 


DANDY  DICK.  73 

Darbey. 
By-the-bye,  my  dear  Dean — come  over  and  see  me. 
We  ought  to  know  more  of  each  other.     Say  Mon- 
day. 

The  Deax. 
\_Itestramiiig  his  anger.']  I  will  not  say  Monday  I 

Darbey. 
Any  time  you  like.     Oh — and  I  say — let  me  know 
when  you  preach,  and  I'll  get  some  of  our  fellows  to 
give  their  patronage  !  [^He  goes  out. 

The  Dea:n^. 
[  Closmg  the  door  after  him  vnth  a  hang."]  Another 
moment — another  moment — and  I  fear  I  should  have 
heen  violently  rude  to  him,  a  guest  under  my  roof! 
[He  walks  up  to  the  fireplace  and  stands  looking  into 
the  fire.,  as  Darbey,  having  forgotten  his  violin^  returns 
to  the  room.']  Oh,  Blore,  now  understand  me,  if  that 
Mr.  Darbey  ever  again  presumes  to  present  himself 
at  the  Deanery  I  will  not  see  him ! 

Darbey. 
[  Withhis  violin  in  his  hand^  haughtily.]  I've  come 
back  for  my  violin.  [  Goes  out  with  dignity. 

The  Deax. 
\_IIorrified.]  Oh,  Mr.  Darbey !     Hear  an  explana- 
tion, Mr.'  Darbey ! 

[He  runs  out  after  Darbey.      Georgiana   and  Sir 
Tristram  enter  by  the  vnndow, 

Georgiana. 
Don't  be  down,  Tris,  my  boy  ;  cheer  up,  lad,  he'll 
be  fit  yet,  bar  a  chill !     Aha  !  he  knew  me,  he  knew 
me  when  I  kissed  his  dear  old  nose ! 


74  .    DANDY  DICK. 

Sir  Tristram. 
He'd  be  a  fool  of  a  horse  if  he  hadn't  felt  deuced 
flattered  at  that. 

Georgiana. 
He's  no  fool.     He  knows  he's  in  the  Deanery  too. 
Did  you  see  him  cast  up  his  eyes  and  lay  his  ears 
back  when  I  led  him  in  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
Oh,  George,  George,  it's  such  a  pity  about  his  tail ! 

Georgiana. 
[  Cheerilj/.']  Not  it.     You  watch  his  head  to-mor- 
row— that'll  come  in  first. 

[Hatcham,  a  groom^  looks  in  at  the  window, 

Hatcham. 
Are  you  there,  Sir  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
What  is  it  ? 

Hatcham. 
I  jest  run  round  to  tell  you  that  Dandy  is  a  feedin' 
as  steady  as  a  baby  with  a  bottle. 

Georgiana. 
Don't  you  close  your  eyes  all  night. 

Hatcham. 
Not  me,  mum.    And  I've  got  hold  of  the  constable 
'ere,  Mr.  Topping — he's  going  to  sit  up  with  me,  for 
company's  sake. 

Sir  Tristram. 
The  constable  ? 


BANDY  DICK,  75 

Hatcham. 
Tes,    Sir    Tristram.      \_Coming  forward    myste- 
riously,']   Why,  bless  you  and  the  lady,  sir — supposin' 
the  fire  at  the  "  Swan  "  warn't  no  accident ! 

Georgiana. 
Eh? 

Hatcham. 
Supposin'  it  were  inciderism — and  supposin'  our 
'orse  was  the  hobject. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Good  gracious  ! 

Hatcham. 
That's  why  I  ain't  goin'  to  watch  single-handed. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Get  back  then — get  back ! 

[Sir  Tristram  and  Georgiana  ji9ac6  up  and 
down  excitedly, 

Hatcham. 
Right,  Sir.     There's  only  one  mortal  fear  I've  got 
about  our  Dandy. 

Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram. 
What's  that? 

Hatcham. 
He  'asn't  found  out  about  'is  tail  yet,  sir,  and  when 
he  does  it'll  fret  him,  as  sure  as  my  name's  Bob 
Hatcham. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Keep  the  stable  pitch  dark — he  mayn't  notice  it. 

Hatcham. 
Not  to-night,  sir,  but  he's  a  proud  'orse  and  what'U 


76  BANDY  DICK. 

he  think  of  'isself  on  the  'ill  to-morrow?  You  and 
me  and  the  lady,  sir — it  'ud  be  different  with  us,  but 
how's  our  Dandy  to  hide  his  bereavement  ? 

[Hatch AM  goes  out  of  the  windov)  vnth  Sir  Tristram 
as  The  Dean  enters^  followed  by  Blore,  who 
carries  a  lighted  lantern. 

The  Dean. 
[^LooJcing  reproachfidly  at  Georgiana.]  You  have 
returned,  Georgiana  ? 

Georgiana. 
Yes,  thank  ye. 

The  Dean. 
And  that  animal  ? 

Georgiana. 
In  our  stables,  safe  and  snug. 

The  Dean. 
[  With  a  groa^iJ]  Oh ! 

Georgiana. 
You  can  sleep  to-night  with  the  happy  conscious- 
ness of  having  sheltered  the  outcast. 

The  Dean. 
We're  lockmg  up  now.    The  poor  children,  ex- 
hausted with  the  alarm,  beg  me  to  say  good-night 
for  them.     The  fire  is  quite  extinguished. 

Blore. 
Yes,  sir;  but  I  hear  they've  just  sent  into  Durn- 
stone  basking  for  the  Military  to  watch  the  ruins  in 
case  of  another  houtbreak.     It'll  stop  the  wicked 
Ball  at  the  Hathanaeum,  it  will ! 

[^Drawing  the  window  curtains. 


DANDY  DICK.  77 

Sir  Tristram. 
\^IIaving  re-entered.']  I  suppose  you  want  to  see  the 
last  of  me,  Jedd. 

The  Dean. 
Mardon  I 

Georgiais^a. 
Don't  be  unkind,  Tris.     Where  shall  we  stow  the 
dear  old  chap,  Gus,  my  boy  ? 

The  Dea]^. 
Where  shall  we  stow  the  dear  old  chap !    I  really 
don't  know. 

Georgiana. 
Let  me  see.     We  don't  want  to  pitch  you  out  of 
your  loft  if  we  can  help  it,  Gus. 

Sir  Tristram. 
No,  no — we  won't  do  that. 

The  Deat^. 
Don't  consider  me  in  this  manner.     But  there's 
Sheba's  little  cot  still  standing  in  the  old  nursery. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Just  the  thing  for  me — the  old  nursery. 

Georgiana. 
The  old  nursery.    Toys  to  play  with  if  you  wake 
early. 

The  Dean. 

\^Loohing  round.']  Is  there  anyone  else  before  we 
lock  up  ? 

[Blobb  has  fastened  the  window  and  drawn  the 
curtain. 


78  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiaxa. 
Put  Sir  Tristram  to  bed  carefully  in  the  nursery, 
Blore. 

Sir  Tristram. 
\^Grasping  The   Dean's   hand,']    Good-night,  old 
boy.     I'm  too  done  for  a  hand  of  Piquet  to-night. 

The  Dean. 
I  never  play  cards. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[^Slapping  him  on  the  back.]  I'll  teach  you  during 
my  stay  at  the  Deanery. 

The  Dean. 
[^Helplessly  to  himself.]   Then  he's  staying  with 
me! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Good-night,  George. 

Georgiana. 
Good-night,  partner.     Heaven  bless  the  little  inno- 
cent in  his  cot.    [Sir  Tristram  goes  out  with  Blore. 

GeOrgiana. 
[  Calling  after  him.]  Tris !     You  may  take  your 
pipe  up  with  you.     We  smoke  all  over  the  Deanery. 

The  Dean. 

[  To  himself]  I  never  smoke !     Does  she  ? 

Georgiana. 

[  Closes  the  door.,  humming  a  tune  merrih/.]  Tra  la, 

tra  la !     Now,  Mr.  Tidd,  we'll  toddle.     Tra  la !  tra 

la!     \_She  stops.,  looking   at  The  T>EA^,who  is  mut' 

tering  to  himself]  Gus,  I  don't  like  your  looks,  I 


DANDY  DICK.  79 

shall  let  the  Yet  see  you  in  the  morning.    What's 
wrong  with  you  ? 

[The  Dean  shakes  his  head  mournfully^  and 
sinJcs  on  the  settee, 

Georgiana. 
Money  ? 

The  Deax. 
There  are  hills,  which,  at  a  more  convenient  time, 
it  will  be  my  grateful  duty  to  discharge. 

Georgiana. 
And  you're  short  ? 

The  Dean. 
Short? 

Georgiana. 
stumped — out  of  coin — run  low.     What'U  square 
the  bills  ? 

The  Dean. 
Very  little  would  settle  the  bills — but — but — 

Georgiana. 
I  know^the  Spire.     Why,  Gus,  you  haven't  got 
that  thousand. 

The  Dean. 
There  is  a  very  large  number  of  estimable  worthy 
men  who  do  not  possess  a  thousand  pounds.    With 
that  number  I  have  the  mournful  pleasure  of  en- 
rolling myself. 

Georgiana. 
When's  the  settling  day  ? 

The  Dean. 
Eh? 


80  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgian  A. 
When  will  you  have  to  fork  out  ? 

The  Dean. 
Unless  the  restoration  is  immediately  commenced 
the  spire  will  certainly  crumble. 

Georgiana. 
Then  it's  a  match  between  you  and  the   spire 
which  parts  first.     Gus,  will  you  let  your  little  sister 
lend  you  a  hand  ? 

The  Dean. 
My  dear  Georgiana,  impossible ! 

Georgiana. 
N"o,  no — ^not  out  of  my  own  pocket.     Come  here, 
[^She  takes  his  arm  and  whispers  in  his  ear,']     Can 
you  squeeze  a  pair  of  ponies  ? 

The  Dean. 
Can  I  what  ? 

Georgiana. 
Can  you  raise  fifty  pounds  ? 

The  Dean. 
Certainly.    More  than  fifty  pounds. 

Georgiana. 
No — ^no,  don't  be  rash  I     That's  the  worst  of  you 
beginners.     Only  fifty  by  to-morrow  morning. 

The  Dean. 

Most  assuredly. 

Georgiana. 
Very  well  then — clap  it  on  to  Dandy  Dick  I 


DANDY  DICK.  81 

The  Deak. 
[  With  horror.']     What ! 

Georgiana. 
He's  a  certainty — if  those  two  buckets  of  water 
haven't  put  him  off  it !  He's  a  moral — if  he  doesn't 
think  of  his  tail  coming  down  the  hill.  There's 
nothing  like  him  at  the  weight.  Keep  it  dark,  Gus 
— don't  breathe  a  word  to  any  of  your  Canons  or 
Archdeacons, or  they'll  rush  at  it  and  shorten  the 
price  for  us.  Go  in,  Gus,  my  boy — take  your  poor 
widowed  sister's  tip  and  sleep  as  peacefully  as  a 
blessed  baby  ! 

\_8he presses  him  vmrmly  to  her  a7id hisses  him. 
The  Deais^. 
{^Extricating  himself,']     Oh  !  Mrs.  Tidman !     Go  to 
your  room ! 

Georgiana. 
Augustin ! 

The  Dean. 
In  the  morning  I  will  endeavor  to  frame  some 
verbal  expression  of  the  horror  with  which  I  regard 
your  proposal.     For  the  present,  you  are  my  parents' 
child  and  I  trust  your  bed  is  well  aired. 

Georgiana. 
Oh,  very  well,  Augustin.    I've  done  all  I  can  for 
the  Spire.     Bo7i  soir,  old  boy  ! 

The  Dean. 
Good-night. 

Georgiana. 
If  you're  wiser  in  the  morning  just  send  Blore  on 
to  the  course  and  he'll  put  the  money  on  for  you. 


82  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
Blore!     My  poor  devoted  old  servant  would  be 
lost  on  a  race-course. 

Georgian  A. 
Would  he !     He  was  quite  at  home  in  TattersalFs 
Ring  when  I  was  at  St.  Marvells  last  summer. 

The  Dean. 
Blore ! 

Georgiana. 
Blore.     I  recognized  the  veteran  sportsman  the 
moment  I  came  into  the  Deanery. 

The  Dean. 
What  was  my  butler  doing  at  St.  Marvells  Races  ? 
Blore  enters  with  his  lantern. 

Georgiana. 
Investing  the  savings  of  your  cook  and  housemaid, 
of  course.     You  don't  think  your  servants  are  as 
narrow  as  you  are  ! 

The  Dean. 
Oh! 

Blore. 
I  beg  your  pardon,  sir,  shall  I  go  the  rounds,  sir  ? 
[The   Dean  gi}^es  Blore  a  fierce  look^  but 
Blore  beams  sioeetly. 

Georgiana. 
Blore  I 

Blore. 
Mum? 


DANDY  DICK.  83 

Georgiana. 
Breakfast  at  nine,  sharp.  And  pack  a  hamper 
with  a  cold  chicken,  some  French  rolls,  and  two 
bottles  of  Heidsieck— label  it  "  George  Tidd,"  and 
send  it  on  to  the  Hill.  I'll  stand  the  racket.  Good- 
night. 

[/She  goes  ouL     The  Dean  sinks  into  a  chaif 
and  clasps  his  forehead. 

Blore. 
A   dear,  'igh-sperited  lady.     [Leaning  over  The 
Dean.]     Aren't  you  well,  sir  ? 

The  Dean. 
Serpent ! 

Blore. 
Meanin'  m^,  sir  ? 

The  Dean. 
Lock  up ;  I'll  speak  to  you  in  the  morning.    Lock 
up. 

[Blore  goes  into  the  Library^  turns  out  the 
lamp  there^  and  disappears. 

What  dreadful  wave  threatens  to  engulf  the 
Deanery  ?  What  has  come  to  us  in  a  few  fatal  hours  ? 
A  horse  of  sporting  tendencies  contaminating  my 
stables,  his  equally  vicious  owner  nestling  in  the 
nursery,  and  my  own  widowed  sister,  in  all  proba- 
bility, smoking  a  cigarette  at  her  bedroom  window 
with  her  feet  on  the  window-ledge!  [Listening.'] 
What's  that?  \^IIe  peers  through  the  loindow  cur- 
tains.'] I  thought  I  heard  footsteps  in  the  garden. 
I  can  see  nothing — only  the  old  spire  standing  out 
against  the  threatening  sky.  [Leaving  the  window 
shudderingly.l    The  Spire !    My  prmcipal  creditor  I 


84  DANDY  DICK. 

My  principal  creditor,  the  most  conspicuous  object 
in  the  city ! 

Blore   re-enters  with  his  lantern^  carrying  some, 
bank-notes  in  his  hand. 
Blore. 
[Laying  the  notes  on  the  table,']  I  found  these,  sir, 
on  your  dressing-table — they're  bank-notes,  sir. 

The  Dean. 
[  Taking  the  notes.']  Thank  you.  I  placed  them 
there  to  be  sent  to  the  Bank  to-morrow.  [  Counting 
the  notes.]  Ten — ten — twenty — five — five,  fifty.  Fifty 
pounds  !  The  very  sum  Georgiana  urged  me  to — 
oh !  \_To  Blore,  wamng  him  away.]  Leave  me — go 
to  bed — go  to  bed — go  to  bed !  [Blore  is  going,] 
Blore ! 

Blore. 
Sir? 

The  Dean. 
What  made  you  tempt  nie  with  these  at  such  a 
moment? 

Blore. 
Temp'  you,  sir  !     The  window  was  hopen,  and  I 
feared  they  might  blow  away. 

The  Dean. 
[  Catching  him  by  the  coat  collar.]  Man,  what  were 
you  doing  at  St.  Marvells  Races  last  summer? 

Blore. 
[  With  a  cry^  falling  on  his  knees.]  Oh,  sir !  Oh,  sir  ! 
I  knew  that  'igh-sperited  lady  would  bring  grief  and 
sorrow  to  the  peaceful,  'appy  Deanery !  Oh,  sir,  I 
^ave  done  a  little  on  my  hown  account  from  time  to 
time  on  the  'ill,  halso  hon  commission  for  the  kitchen  J 


BANDY  DICK.  85 

The  Dean. 
I  knew  it — I  knew  it ! 

Bloee. 
Oh,  sir,  you  are  a  old  gentleman — turn  a  charitable 
'art  to  the  Races  !     It's  a  wicious  institution  what 
spends  more  ready  money  in  St.  Marvells  than  us 
good  people  do  in  a  year. 

The  Dean. 

Get  up,  Blore — get  up.     Oh,  Edward  Blore,  Ed- 
ward Blore,  what  weak  creatures  we  are ! 

Blore. 
We  are,  sir — we  are — 'specially  when  we've  got  a 
tip,  sir.     Think  of  the  temptation  of  a  tip,  sir. 

The  Dean. 
I  do,  Blore — I  do. 

Blore. 
I  confess  heverything,  sir.     Bonny  Betsy's  bound 
for  to  win  the  'andicap. 

The  Dean. 

No,  no — she  isn't. 

Blore. 
She  is,  sir. 

The  Dean. 
T  know  better ;    she  can  never  get  down  the  hill 
with  those  legs  of  hers. 

Blore. 
She  can,  sir — what's  to  beat  her? 

The  Dean. 
The  horse  in  my  stable — Dandy  Dick  I 


86  DANDY  DICK. 

Blore. 
Dandy  Dick!      That   old  bit   of  ina'ogany,    sir. 
They're  layin'  ten  to  one  against  him. 

The  Dean. 
[  With  hysterical  eager/iess.l  Are  they  ?  I'll  take  it ! 
I'll  take  it ! 

Blore. 
Lord  love  you,  sir — fur  how  much  ? 

The  Deax. 
Fifty  !  There's  the  money.  \^Impulsively  he  crams 
the  notes  into  Bloke's  hand  and  then  recoils  in  horror.'] 
Oh  !  \_Sinks  into  a  chair  with  a  groan. 

Blore. 
.  \_In  a  whisper.']  Lor',  who'd  'ave  thought  the  Dean 
was  such  a  ardent  sportsman  at  'art?  He  dursn't 
give  me  my  notice  after  this.  [  To  The  Deax.]  Of 
course  it's  understood,  sir,  that  we  keep  our  little 
weaknesses  dark.  Houtwardly,  sir,  we  remain  re- 
spectable, and,  I  'ope,  respected.  \^Futting  the  notes 
into  his  pocket.]  I  wish  you  good-night,  sir.  \_I£e 
icalJcs  to  the  door.  The  Deax  makes  an  effort  to  recall 
him  hut  fails.]  And  that  old  man  'as  been  my  pattern 
and  example  for  years  and  years!  Oh,  Edward 
Blore,  your  hidol  is  shattered !  [  Turning  to  The 
Deax.]  Good-night,  sir.  May  your  dreams  be  calm 
and  'appy,  and  may  you  have  a  good  run  for  your 
money ! 

[Blore  goes  out — The  Deax  gradually  re- 
covers his  self-possession. 

The  Deax. 
I — I  am  upset  to-night,  Blore.  Of  course  you  leave 
this  day  month.     I — I  [looking  round.]  Blore  !  He's 


DANDY  DICK.  87 

gone !  If  I  don't  call  him  back  the  Spire  may  be 
richer  to-morrow  by  five  hundred  pounds.  I  won't 
dwell  on  it.  I'll  read — I'll  read.  [Snatches  a  book 
at  haphazard  from  the  bookshelf.  There  is  the  sound  of 
falling  rain  and  distant  thunder.  ]  Rain,  thunder. 
How  it  assimilates  with  the  tempest  of  my  mind ! 
I'll  read.  Bless  me  !  This  is  very  strange.  \_Bead- 
ing.']  "  The  Horse  and  its  Ailments,  by  John  Cox, 
M.  R.  C.  Y.  S."  It  was  with  the  aid  of  this  volume 
that  I  used  to  doctor  my  old  mare  at  Oxford.  A  leaf 
turned  down.  [_Beadi/ig.']  "  Simple  remedies  for 
chills — the  Bolus."  The  helpless  beast  in  my  stable 
is  suffering  from  a  chill.  Good  gracious  !  If  I  allow 
Blore  to  risk  ray  fifty  pounds  on  Dandy  Dick,  surely 
it  would  be  advisable  to  administer  this  Bolus  to  the 
poor  animal  without  delay.  \^Referring  to  the  book 
hastily.']  I  have  these  drugs  in  my  chest.  There's 
not  a  moment  to  be  lost !  [  Going  to  the  bell  and  ring- 
ing,'] I  shall  want  help.  I'll  fetch  my  medicine  chest. 
[//6  lays  the  book  upon  the  table  and  goes 
into  the  Jjibrary, 

Bloee  enters, 
Blore. 
l^Looking  romid.]  Where  is  he  ?    The  bell  rang. 
The  Dean's  puzzling  me  with  his  uncommon  be- 
havior, that  he  is. 

[The  Dean  conies  from  the  Jjibrary.^  carrying 
a  large  medicine  chest.  On  encountering 
Blore  he  starts  and  turns  away  his  head^ 
the  picture  of  guilt. 

The  Dean. 
Blore,  I  feel  it  would  be  a  humane  act  to  admin- 
ister to  the  poor  ignorant  animal  in  my  stable  a 
simple  Bolus  as  a  precaution  against  chill.     I  rely 


88  DANDY  DICK. 

upon  your  aid  and  discretion  in  ministering  to  any 
guest  in  the  Deanery. 

Blore. 

[7"/i  a  whisper.^  I  see,  sir — you  ain't  going  to  lose 
half  a  chance  for  to-morrow,  sir^you're  a  knowin ' 
one,  sir,  as  the  sayin'  goes  ! 

The  Deax. 

\^ShrinJcing  from  Blore  with  a  groan.']  Oh  !  \_IIe 
places  the  medicine  chest  on  the  table  and  takes  up  the 
hook.  Handing  the  hook  to  Blore  icith  his  finger  on 
a  pager]  Fetch  these  humble  but  necessary  articles 
from  the  kitchen — quick.  I'll  mix  the  Bolus  here. 
[Blore  goes  out  quickly,]  It  is  exactly  seven  and 
twenty  years  since  I  last  approached  a  horse  medi- 
cally. \_IIe  takes  off  his  coat  and  lays  it  on  a  chair,, 
then  rolls  his  shirt-sleeves  up  ahove  his  elboics  and 
puts  on  his  glasses.]  I  trust  that  this  Bolus  will 
not  give  the  animal  an  unfair  advantage  over  his 
competitors.  I  don't  desire  that!  I  don't  desire 
that !  [Blore  re-enters  carrying  a  tray,  on  which  are 
a  small  flour-harrel  and  rolling-pin.,  a  xdiite  china 
hasin.,  a  carafe  of  icater.,  a  napkin.,  and  the  hook. 
The  Dean  recoils.,  then  guiltily  takes  the  tray  from 
Blore  and  puts  it  on  the  table.]     Thank  you. 

Blore. 

\^Holding  on  to  the  windoio  curtain  and  watching 
The  Deax.]  His  eyes  is  awful ;  I  don't  seem  to  know 
the  'appy  Deanery  when  I  see  such  proceedings 
a'goin'  on  at  the  dead  of  night. 

[^There  is  a  heavy  roll  of  thunder — The  Deax 
mixes  a  pudding  and  stirs  it  with  the 
rolling-pin. 


DANDY  DICK.  89 

The  Dean. 
The  old  half- forgotten  time  returns  to  me.    I  am 
once  again  a  promising  youth  at  college. 

Blore. 
[  To  himself.']  One  would  think  by  his  looks  that 
he  was  goin'  to  poison  his  family  instead  of — Poison ! 
Poison !  Oh,  if  hanything  serious  'appened  to  the 
hanimal  in  our  stable  there  would  be  nothing  in  the 
way  of  Bonny-Betsy,  the  deservin'  'orse  I've  trusted 
with  my  'ard -earned  savings  ! 

The  Deax. 
I  am  walking  once   again  in  th^  old  streets  at 
Oxford,  avoiding  the  shops  where  I  owe  my  youthful 
bills.     Bills ! 

\_ire  pounds  away  vigorously  with  the  rolliyig-pin, 

Blore. 
[  To  himself.']     AVhere's  the  stuff  I  got  a  month  ago 
to  destroy  the  hold  black  retriever  that  fell  hill  ? 

The  Deajst. 

Bills ! 

Blore. 
The  dog  died — the  poison's   in    my  pantry — it 
couldn't  have  got  used  for  cooking  purposes. 

The  Dea:n^. 

I  see  the  broad  meadows  and  the  tall  Spire  of  the 
college — the  Spire  !  Oh,  my  whole  life  seems  made 
up  of  Bills  and  Spires  i 

Blore. 
[  To  himself.]  I'll  do  it !     I'll  do  it ! 

[  Unseen  by  The  Dean  he  quickly  and  quietly: 
steals  out  by  the  door. 


90  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
Where  are  the  drugs — the  drugs  ?  \^  Opening  the 
medicine  chest  and  bending  doion  over  the  bottles  he 
pours  some  drops  from  a  bottle  into  the  basin.~\ 
[_Counting.']  Three — four — five — six.  \_ITe  replaces 
the  bottle  and  takes  another?^  How  fortunate  some 
animals  are  !  [  Counting. '\  One — two — three,  four. 
It's  done ! 

[  Talcing  up  the  medicine  chest  he  goes  icith 
it  into  the  Library, 

As  he  disappears  Blore  re-enters  stealtliihj  fingering 
a  small  paper  packet. 

Blore. 

[7n  a  whisper.']  Strychnine  !  [  There  is  a  heavy  roll 
of  thunder — Blore  darts  to  the  table.,  e'tnpties  the  con- 
tents of  the  packet  into  the  basin.,  and  stirs  vigorously 
with  the  rolling-pin.]  I've  cooked  Dandy  Dick !  I've 
cooked  Dandy  Dick  !  \^IIe  moves  from  the  table  in 
horror.]  Oh !  I'm  only  a  hamatoor  sportsman  and  I 
can't  afford  a  uncertainty.  \_As  The  Dean  returns., 
Blore  starts  up  guiltily.]  Can  I  help  you  any  more, 
Sir? 

The  Dean. 

No,  remove  these  dreadful  things,  and  don't  let  me 
see  you  again  to-night ! 

\_  Sits  with  the  basin  on  his  knees.,  and  pro- 
ceeds to  roll  the  paste. 

Blore. 

{^Removing  the  tray.]  It's  only  an  'orse — it's  only 
an  'orse  !  But  after  to-morrow  I'll  retire  from  the 
Turf,  if  only  to  reclaim  'im.  \He  goes  out. 


DANDY  DICK,  91 

The  Dean. 
Inputting  on  his  coat.']  I  don't  contemplate  my  hu- 
mane task  with  resignation.  The  stable  is  small, 
and  if  the  animal  is  restive  we  shall  be  cramped  for 
room.  [  The  rain  is  heard.']  I  shall  get  a  chill  too. 
\_Seeing  Sir  Tristram's  coat  and  caj?  lying  upo7i  the 
settee.]  I  am  sure  Mardon  will  lend  me  this  gladly. 
\^Putting  on  the  coat.,  ichich  completely  eiwelops  him.] 
The  animal  may  recognize  the  garment,  and  receive 
me  with  kindly  feeling.  [^Putting  on  the  sealskin  cap., 
which  almost  conceals  his  face.]  Ugh!  why  do  I  feel 
this  dreadful  sinking  at  the  heart  ?  [  Taking  the 
basin  and  turning  out  the  lamp.]  Oh  !  if  all  follov/ers 
of  the  veterinary  science  are  as  truly  wretched  as  I 
am,  what  a  noble  band  they  must  be  ! 

[^The  thunder  rolls  as  he  goes  through  thewindov) 
curtains.  Sir  Tristram,  theri  enters  quietly ^ 
smoking.,  and  carrying  a  lighted  candle. 

Sir  Tristram. 
All  right ;  fire   still   burning.    \^Bloimng   out   the 
candle.]     I  shall  doze  here  till  daybreak.     What  a 
night !     I  never  thought  there  was  so  much  thunder 
in  these  small  country  places. 

[Georgiana,  looking  pale  and  agitated.,  and  wearing 
a  dressing-goxon.,  enters  quickly.,  carrying  an 
umbrella  and  a  lighted  candle. 

Georgiana. 

Which  is  the  nearer  way  to  the  stable?  I  must 
satisfy  myself — I  must — I  must!  \_Going  to  the 
door.] 

Sir  Tristram. 

[Rising  suddenly.]     Hullo ! 


98:  DANBY  DICK. 

Geoegiana. 
[^Shrieks  with  fright,']    Ah! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Hush! 

Georgiana. 

[Holding  out  htr  umbrella.']  Stand  where  you  are 
or  I'll  fire  !   {^Recognizing  Sir  Tristram.]  Tris  ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Why,  George ! 

Georgian  A. 
Oh,  Tris,  I've  been  dreaming !   {Falling  helplessly 
against  Sir  Tristram,  who  deposits  her  in  a  chair.] 
dh !  oh !  oh  1     Don't  look  at  me  !     I'm  overtrained^ 
I  shall  be  on  my  legs  again  in  a  minute. 

[xVAe  opens  her  umbrella  and  hides  herself 
behind  it.,  sobbing  violently. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[^Standing  over  the  umbrella  in.  great  concern.']  My 
goodness !     George,  whatever  shall  I  do  ?     Shall  I 
trot  you  up  and  down  outside  ? 

Georgiana. 
Be  quiet !  [  Sobbing,]  What  are  you  fooling  about 
here  for  ?    Why  can't  you  lie  quietly  in  your  cot  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
Confound  that  cot !     Why,  it  wouldn't  hold  my 
photograph.     Where  are  you  going  ? 

Georgiana. 
Into  the  stable  to  sit  with  Dandy.     The  thunder's 
awful  in  my  room  ;  when  it  gets  tired  it  seems  to  sit 


DANDY  DICK.  93 

down  on  my  particular  bit  of  roof.  I  did  doze 
once,  and  then  I  had  a  frightful  dream.  I  dreamt 
that  Dandy  had  sold  himself  to  a  circus,  and  that 
they  were  hooting  him  because  he  had  lost  his  tail. 
There's  an  omen ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Don't,  don't — be  a  man,  George,  be  a  man ! 

Georgian  A. 
[^SMitti7ig  her  umhrella.l^    I  know  I'm  dreadfully 
(iiffeminate.     There — Tidd's  himself  again  ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Bravo ! 

Georgiai^a. 
Ah,  Tris — don't  think  me  soft,  old  man.     I'm  a 
lonely,  unlucky  woman,  and  the  tail  end  of  this  horse 
is  all  that's  left  me  in  the  world  to  love  and  to  cling 
lol 

Sir  Tristram. 
No,  by  Jove  !     I'm  not  such  a  mean  cur  as  that ! 
Swop  halves  and  take  his  head,  George,  my  boy. 

Georgiana. 
Not  I !     I'm  like  a  doating  mother  to  my  share  of 
Dandy,  and  it's  all  the  dearer  because  it's  an  invalid. 
I'm  off. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Come  along !    [  Turning  tovmrds  the  window^  she 
folloioing  hira^  he  suddenly  stops  and  looks  at   her^ 
and  seizes  her  hand, '\    George,  I  never  guessed  that 
you  were  so  tender-hearted. 

Georgiana. 
Well,  I'm  not. 


94  \l>kNDY  DICK, 

Sir  Tristkam. 
And  you've  robbed  me  to-night  of  an  old  friend — 
a  pal. 

Georgiana. 
I — what  d'ye  mean  ? 

Sir   Tristram. 
I  mean  that  I  seem  to  have  dropped  the  acquaint- 
ance of  George  Tidd,  Esquire,  forever. 

Georgiana. 
Tris — no. 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  have — ^but  I've  got  an  introduction  to  his  twin- 
sister,  Georgiana ! 

Georgian  A. 
[^Snatching  her  hand  away  aiigrily.']    Stay  where 
you  are;  I'll  nurse  my  half  alone.     \_She  goes  to- 
wards the  vnndow^  then  starts  backJ]     Hush ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
What's  the  matter  ? 

Georgiana. 
Didn't  you  hear  something  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
Where? 

Georgiana. 
[^Pointing  to  the  window.^     There. 

Sir  Tristram. 
\_Peeping  through  the   curtnhis.      [You're  right. 
Some  people  moving  about  the  garden. 


DANDY  DICK.  95 

Georgian  A. 
Tris!     The  horse! 

Sir  Tristram. 

They're  not  near  the  stables.     They're  coming  in 

here.     Hush  !     We'll  clear  out  and  watch  ! 

[Sir  Tristram  takes  the  candlestick  and  tJiey  go  out^ 

leaning  the  room  in  darkness.      The  curtains  at 

the  window  are  pushed  aside^  and  Salome  and 

Sheba  enter  ;  both  in  their  fancy  dresses. 

Salome. 
[7^1  a  raqe^lighting  the  candles  on  the  mantelpiece^ 
Oh!  oh!  oh! 

Sheba. 
Oh!  oh!     No  ball  after  all ! 
Salome. 
If  we  only  had  a  brother  to  avenge  us  ! 

Sheba. 
I  shall  try  and  borrow  a  brother  to-morrow ! 

Salome. 
Cold,  wretched,  splashed,  in  debt — for  nothing ! 

Sheba. 
To  think  that  we've  had  all  the  inconvenience  of 
being  wicked  and  rebellious   and  have  only  half 
done  it!  "   ^a^ 

Salome. 
This  comes  of  stooping  to  the  Military ! 

Sheba. 
It  serves  us  right — we've  been  trained  for  clergy- 
men's wives.     I  hate  Nugent  Darbey.  I  hope  he  may 
grow  bald  early ! 


'  V 

96  \  DANBY  DICK, 

Salome. 

Gerald  Tarver's  nose  is  inclined  to  pink — may  it 
deepen  and  deepen  till  it  frightens  cows  ! 

[  Voices  are  heard  from  the  curtained  loliidoio 
recess, 

Darbey. 

\_Outside,'\  Miss  Jedd — Sheba! 

Tarver. 
[  Outside,']  Pray  hear  two  wretched  men !     Miss 
Jedd! 

Salome. 
\^l7i  a  whisper."]  There  they  are. 

Sheba. 
Shall  we  grant  them  a  dignified  interview  ? 

Salome. 
Yes.     Curl  your  lip,  Sheba. 
Sheba. 
You  curl  your  lip  better  than  I — I'll  dilate  my 
nostrils. 

[Salome  draws  aside  the  curtain.  Tarver  anc^  Darbey 
enter.  They  are  both  very  badly  and  shabbily 
dressed  as  Cavaliers. 

Tarver. 
\_A    most    miserahle    object.,    carrying   a   carriage 
umbrella.]     Oh,  don't   reproach  us.  Miss   Jedd.     It 
isn't  our  fault  that  the  Military  were  summoned 
to  St.  Marvells. 

Darbey. 
You    don't    blame    officers    and    gentlemen  for 
responding  to  the  sacred  call  of  duty  ? 


DANDY  DICK.         V>  97 


Sheba. 
We  blame  officers  for  subjecting  two  motberless 
girls  to   the  shock  of   alighting  at   the   Durnstone 
Athenaeum  to  find  a  notice  on  the  front  door  :  "  Ball 
knocked  on  the  head — Vivat  Regina." 

Salome. 

We  blame  gentlemen  for  inflicting  upon  us  the 
unspeakable  agony  of  being  jeered  at  by  boys. 

^0/t  Taryer. 

I  took  the  address  of  the  boy  who  suggested  that 
we  should  call  again  on  the  fifth  of  November.  It 
is  on  the  back  of  your  admission  card. 

Darbey. 
Everything  will  be  done.     We  shall  both  wait  on 
the  boy's  mother  for  an  explanation. 

Taryer. 
^  Oh,  smile  on  us  once  again,  Miss  Jedd — a  forced, 
hollow  smile,  if  you  will — only  smile.     Salome ! 

Georgiana  enters, 
Georgiana. 
Salome !     Sheba ! 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
Aunt! 

Georgiana. 
You  bad  girls ! 

Salome. 
[^Weepi7ig.^     No,  Aunt,  No! 
Sheba. 
Kot  bad.  Aunt — trustful  and  confiding. 
7 


98  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgian  A. 
\^Ad})ancing  to  Taryer.]     How  dare  you  encourage 
these  two  simple    children  to  enjoy  themselves! 
How  dare  you  take  them-  out — without  their  Aunt ! 
Do  you  think  Z  can't  keep  a  thing  quiet  ? 

Sheba. 
They  didn't  even  ask  Papa's  permission ! 

Salome. 
Poor  Papa!  .  ^^ 

Sheba. 
Poor,  dear  Papa ! 

Georgtana. 
l^Shaking  Taryer.]     I'm  speaking  to  you — Field- 
Marshal. 

^i  Taryer. 

Madam,  you  are  addressing  an  invalid. 

Darbey. 
We  shall  be  happy  to  receive  your  representative 
in  the  morning.    At  present  we  are  on  duty. 

^^  Taryer. 

On  heavy  duty. 

Darbey. 
Guarding  the  ruins  of  the  "  Swan "   Inn.    You 
mustn't  distract  our  attention. 

Georgiana. 

Guarding  the  ruins  of  the  "  Swan,"  are  you  ? 
[  Calling.']  Tris !  Sir  Tristram !  [Sir  Tristram 
appears.']  Tris,  I'm  a  feeble  woman,  but  I  hope  I've 
a  keen  sense  of  right  and  wrong.    Bun  these  out- 


DANVY  mCK.  99 

siders  into  the  road,  and  let  them  guard  their  own 
ruins. 

[Salome  and  ^u:r^ a  shriek^  and  throio  them^ 
selves  at  the  feet  of  Tarver  and  Dar- 
BEY,  dinging  to  their  legs, 

Salome. 
No,  no.     Spare  him  ! 

Sheba. 

You  shall  not  harm  a  hair  of  their  heads. 

[Sir  Tristram  tvnsts  Tarver' s  ivig  round  so 
that  it  covers  his  face.  The  gate  hell 
is  heard  ringing  violently, 

Georgiana,  Salome,  and  Sheba. 
What's  that? 

Salome. 
It  will  wake  Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Stop  the  bell ! 

[Georgiana  runs  to  the  door  and  opens  it, 

Salome. 

[  To  Tarver  and  Darbey.]     Fly  ! 

[Tarver   and  Darbey   disappear   through 
X"^^  the  curtains  at  the  window, 

Sheba. 

\Falling  into  Salome's  arnis7\     We  have  saved 
them ! 

Georgiana. 
Oh,  Tris,  your  man  from  the  stable ! 


100  DANDY  DICK. 

Sir   Tristram. 
Hatcham ! 

Georgiana. 
[  Calling.']     Hatcham ! 
[Hatcham,   carrying/  the  basin  with  the  bolus,  runs 
in  breathlessly— followed  by  Blore. 

Hatcham. 
Ob,  Sir  Tristram ! 

Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram. 
What  is  it  ? 

Hatcham. 
The  villain  that  set  fire  to  the  "Swan,"  sir — in 
the  hact  of  administering  a  dose  to  the  'orse ! 

Georgiana. 
Nobbling  our  Dandy  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
Where  is  the  scoundrel  ? 

Hatcham. 
Topping  the  constable's  collared  him,  Sir — he's 
taken  him  in  a  cart  to  the  lock-up ! 

Georgia:n^a  and  Sir  Tristram. 
Oh! 

Blore. 
\_In  agony.']  They've  got  the  Dean ! 

end  of  the  second  act. 


DANDY  DJQKi, 


I9i 


THE  THIRD  ACT. 

The  first  scene  is  the  interior  of  a  country  Police 
Station^  a  quaint  old  room  with  plaster  walls^ 
oaken  bearas^  and  a  gothic  midlioned.  window 
looking  on  to  the  street,  A  massive  door^  with  a 
small  sliding  vncket  and  an  iron  grating,^  opens 
to  a  prisoner'' s  cell.  The  room  is  partly  furnished 
as  a  kitchen,,  partly  as  a  police  station,,  a  copy  of 
the  Police  llegidations  and  other  ojficial  docu- 
ments and  implements  hanging  on  the  loall.  It 
is  the  morning  after  the  events  of  the  previous 
act. 

Hannah,  a  huxoni,,  fresh-looking  young  looman,,  in  a 
print  gown,,  has  been  engaged  in  cooking  while 
singing  gayly, 

Hannah. 
[  Opening  a  door  and  calling  with  a  slight  dialect,"] 
Noah  darling ! 

Noah. 
[^JFrom  another  room — m  a  rough,  country  voice,'] 
Yaas! 

Hannah. 
You'll  have  your  dinner  before  you  drive  your 
prisoner  over  to  Durnstone,  won't  ye,  darling? 

Noah. 
Yaas ! 


102  DAJSTDT  DICK. 

TTannah. 

[  Closing  the  door,']  Yaas !  Noah's  in  a  nice  temper 
to-day  over  summat.  Ah  well,  I  suppose  all  public 
characters  is  liable  to  irritation.  [  T/iere  is  a  knock 
at  the  outer  door,  Hannah  opening  it,,  sees  Blore 
with  a  troubled  look  on  his  face.]  Well  I  never! 
Mr.  Blore  from  the  Deanery !  Come  in !  You  might 
knock  me  down  with  a ! 

Blore. 
\^Ente7^ing  and  shaking  hands  mournfully,]     How 
do  you  do,  Mrs.  Topping? 

Hannah. 

And  how  is  the  dear  Dean,  bless  him ;  the  sweet- 
est soul  in  the  world  ? 

Blore. 
•  [  To  himself]  Good  gracious !     She  doesn't  know 
of  hour  misfortune.    [  To  Hannah.]  I — I  'aven't  seen 
him  this  morning ! 

Hannah. 
Well,  this  is  real  kind  of  you,  calling  on  an  old 
friend,  Edward.  When  I  think  that  I  were  cook 
at  the  Deanery  seven  years,  and  that  since  I  left  you, 
to  get  wedded,  not  a  soul  of  you  has  been  nigh  me, 
it  do  seem  hard. 

Blore. 
Well,  you  see,  'Annah,  the  kitchen  took  humbrage 
at  your  marryin'  a  policeman  at  Durnstone.     It  was 
regarded  as  a  messyliance. 

Hannah. 

Well,  now  Mr.  Topping's  got  the  appointment  of 
Head  Constable  at  St.  Marvells,  what's  that  regarded 
as? 


DANDY  DICK.  103 

Blore. 
A  rise  on  the  scales,  'Annah,  a  decided  rise — ^but 
still  you've  honly  been  a  week  in  St.  Marvells  and 
you've  got  to  fight  your  way  hup. 

Hannah. 
I  think  I'm  as  hup  as  ever  I'm  like  to  be. 

Blore. 
'Owever,  Jane  and  Sarah  and  Willis  the  stable 
boy  'ave  hunbent  so  far  as  to  hask  me  to  leave  their 
cards,  knowin'  I  was  a  callin'. 

[ITe  produces  from  an  old  leather  pocket- 
hooJc  three  very  dirty  pieces  of  paste- 
board^ which  he  gives  to  Hannah. 

Hannah. 

\_TaMng  them  in  her  apron  with  pride."]  Thank 
'em  kindly.     When's  their  evening  ? 

Blore. 
We  receive  on  Toosdays,  at  the  side  gate.    And 
'ow  are  you,  my  dear  ?  \_Kissing  her  cheek. 

Hannah. 
Don't,  Edward  Blore ! 

Blore. 
Don't !     When  you  was  Miss  Hevans  there  wasn't 
these  social  barriers,  'Annah  ! 

Hannah. 

Shut  up!  N^oah's  jealous  of  the  very  apron- 
strings  what  go  round  my  waist.  I'm  not  so  fre(i 
and  'andy  with  my  kisses  now,  I  can  tell  you. 

Blore. 
Then   "  what  is  friendship   but  a  name !  "     But 
Mr.  Topping  isn't  indoors  now,  surely ! 


104  DANDY  DICK. 

Haxnah. 
\N'odding  her  headJ]  Um — ^um ! 

Blore. 
Why,  he  took  a  man  up  last  night ! 

Hannah. 
What  of  it  ? 

Blore. 
Why,  I  thought  that  when  hany  harrest  was 
made  in  St.  Marvells,  the  prisoner  was  lodged  here 
honly  for  the  night  and  that  the  'ead  Constable  'ad 
to  drive  'im  over  to  Durnstone  Police  Station  the 
first  thing  in  the  morning. 

Hannah. 

That's  the  rule,  but  Noah's  behindhand  to-day, 
and  ain't  going  into  Durnstone  till  after  dinner. 

Blore. 
Then  the  prisoner  is  now  hon  the  premises ! 

Hannah. 
Yes,  he's  in  our  cell. 

Blore. 
Ah !     And  where  is  the  hapartment  in  question  ? 

Hannah. 
The  cell?    That's  it! 

Blore. 
[Looking  round  in  horror, ~\     Oh ! 

Hannah. 
The  "  Strong-box"  they  call  it  in  St.  Marvells. 

Blore. 
Oh,  my  goodness,  honly  fancy !  [  Whimpering  to 


DANDY  DICK.  105 

himself.']  And  'im  accustomed  to  his  shavin'  water 
at  h'ei'ght  and  my  kindly  hand  to  button  his  gaiters. 
Oh,  here's  a  warnin' ! 

Hannah. 
Whatever  is  the  matter  with  you,  Edward  ? 

Blore. 
'Annah,  'Ann ah,  my  dear,  it's  this  very  prisoner 
what  I  'ave  called  on  you  respectin'. 

Hannah. 

Oh,  then  the  honor  ain't  a  compliment  to  me, 
after  all,  Mr.  Blore  ? 

Blore- 
I'm  killing  two  birds  with  one  stone,  my  dear. 

Hannah. 
l^Thr owing  the  cards  into  Blore' s  hat.]     You  can 
take  them  back  to  the  Deanery  with  Mrs.  Topping's 
comps. 

Blore. 
[^Shaking  the  cards  out  of  his  hat  and  replacing 
them  in  his  pocJcet-hooJc.]  I  will  leave  them  hon  you 
again  to-morrow,  'Annah.  But,  'Annah  deary,  do 
you  know  that  this  hunfortunate  man  was  took  in 
our  stables  last  night. 

Hannah. 

!N"o,   I  never  ask  Noah  nothing  about  Queen's 
business.     He  don't  want  two  women  over  him ! 

Blore. 
Then  you  'aven't  seen  the  miserable  culprit  ? 

H  ANNAH. 

Lor'  no.     I  was  in  bed  hours  when  Noah  brought 


106  DANDY  DICK, 

'im  'ome.  I  take  no  interest  in  it  all.  They  tell  us 
it's  only  a  wretched  poacher  or  a  petty  larcery  we'll 
get  in  St.  Mar  veils.  My  poor  Noah  ain't  never 
likely  to  have  the  chance  of  a  horrid  murder  in  a 
place  what  returns  a  Conservative.  My  joint's 
burning. 

[Kneeling  to  look  into  the  oijen. 

Blore. 

But,  'Annah,  suppose  this  case  you've  got  'old  of 
now  is  a  case  what'll  shake  old  England  to  its  basis ! 
Suppose  it  means  columns  in  the  paper  with  Top- 
ping's name  a-figurin' !  Suppose  as  family  readin', 
it  'old  its  own  with  divorce  cases ! 

Ha:n^nah. 

Hullo !  You  know  something  about  this  arrest, 
you  do ! 

Blore. 

No,  no,  I  don't !  I  merely  said  suppose.  I  merely 
wish  to  encourage  you,  'Annah  ;  to  implant  an  'ope 
that  crime  may  brighten  your  wedded  life. 

Haxnah. 

\_Sitting  at  the  table  and  referring  to  an  official 
book."]  The  man  was  found  trespassing  in  the  Dean- 
ery Stables  with  intent — refuses  to  give  his  name  or 
any  account  of  'isself. 

Blore. 
[  To  himself.]  If  I  could  honly  find  hout  whether 
Dandy  Dick  had  any  of  the  medicine  it  would  so 
guide  me  at  the  Races.  What  am  I  to  do?  It 
doesn't  appear  that  the  'orse  in  the  stables — took  it, 
does  it? 


BANDY  DICK.  107 

[^Looking  up  sharply.']  Took  what  ? 

Blore. 
Er — took  fright.     You're  sure  there's  no  confes- 
sion of  any  sort,  'Annah  dear  ? 

\_As  he  is  hend%7ig  over  Hants^ah,  Xoah  Top- 
ping appears.  Noah  is  a  dense-looking 
ugly  countryman.^  with  red  hair.,  a  brist- 
ling  heard.,  and  a  vindictive  leer.  He  is 
dressed  in  ill-fitting  clothes.^  as  a  rural 
Police  Constable, 

Noah. 
{^Fiercely ^  'Annah! 

Hanjs^ah. 
\^8tarti7ig   and  replacing   the   book.]    Oh   don't! 
This  is  Mr.  Blore  from  the  Deanery  come  to  see  us — 
an  old  friend  o'  mine ! 

[Blore  advances  to   Noah  with  a  nervous 
smile^  extending  his  hand, 

Noah. 
[  Taking  Blore' s  hayid  and  holding  it  firmly, '\     A 
friend  of  hern  is  a  friend  o'  mian! 

Blore. 
I  'ope  so,  Mr.  Topping.     I  thank  you. 

Noah. 
She's  gettin'  me  a  lot  o'  nice  noo  friends  this  week, 
since  we  coom  to  St.  Marvells. 

Blore. 
Of  course,  dear  'Annah  was  a  lovin'  favorite  with 
heverybody. 


108  DANDY  DICK. 

N"OAH. 

Ay.  Well  then,  as  her  friends  be  mian,  I'm  takin' 
the  liberty,  one  by  one,  of  gradually  droppin'  on  'em 
aUI 

Bloee. 

[  Getting  his  hand  away,'\  Dear  me ! 

N"0AH. 

And  if  I  catch  any  old  fly  a  buzzin'  round  my  lady 
I'll  venture  to  break  his  'ead  in  wi'  my  stafl:! 

Hannah. 
Oh,  Noah! 

Bloee. 
\^Preparing  to  depart.']  I — I  merely  called  to  know 
if  hanything  had  been  found  hout  about  the  ruffian 
took  in  our  stables  last  night ! 

Noah. 
Is  that  your  business  ? 

Bloee. 
It — it's  my  master's  business. 

Noah. 
He's  the  De-an,  ain't  he  ? 

Hannah. 

Yes,  Noah,  of  course. 

Noah. 
{Fiercely, '\    Shut  oop,  darlin'.    Very  well,  then — 
give  Mr.  Topping's  respects  to  the  Dean,  and  say 
I'll  run  up  to  the  Deanery  and  see  him  after  I've 
took  my  man  over  to  Durnstone. 


DANDY  DICK.  1G9 

Blore. 
Thank  you — I  'ope  the   Dean  will  be  at  'ome. 
Good-day,  'Annah !     Good- day,  Mr.  Topping  ! 

[  Offering  his  hand^  ifito  which  Noah  sig- 
nificantly places  his  truncheon,  Blore 
goes  out  quickly, 

Hannah. 

[  Whimpering?^  Oh,  Noah,  Noah,  I  don't  believe  as 
we  shall  ever  get  a  large  circle  of  friends  round  us  ! 

Noah. 
Now  then  !     \_8electing  a  pair  of  handcuffs  and  ex- 
amining  them    critically. "]     Them'll   do.     \^iSlipping 
them   into   his   pockety  and   turning  upon   Hannah 
suddenly.^     'Annah ! 

Hannah. 

Yes,  Noahry 

Noah. 
Brighten  oop,  my  darlin',  the  little  time  you  'ave 
me  at  'ome  with  you. 

Hannah. 

Yes,  Noahry. 

[_She  hustles  about  and  begins  to  lay  the  cloth. 

Noah. 
I'm  just  a'  goin'  round  to  the  stable  to  put  old 
Nick  in  the  cart. 

Hannah. 
Oh,  dont'ee  trust  to  Nick,  Noah  dear — he's  such  a 
vicious  brute.    Kitty's  safer  in  the  cart. 

Noah. 
Shut  oop,  darlin'.     Nick  can  take  me  on  to  the 
edge  o'  the  hill  in  half  the  time. 


110  DANDY  DICK. 

The  hill ! 

!N'OAH. 

Ah,  what  d'ye  think  I've  put  off  taking  my  man 
to  Durnstone  to  now  for  ?  Why,  I'm  a  goin'  to  get 
a  glimpse  of  the  racin',  on  my  way  over.  [  Opening 
the  wicket  in  the  cell  door  and  looking  in.']  There  he 
is  !  Sulky !  [  To  HAx:f^AH.]  Hopen  the  hoven  door, 
'Annah,  and  let  the  smell  of  thecookin'  get  into  hiin. 

Hai^^nah. 
Oh,  no,  Noah — it's  torture ! 
Noah. 
Do  as  I  tell'ee.  {^She  opens  the  oven  door,']  Torture ! 
Of  course  it's  torture !     That's  my  rule !     When- 
ever I  get  a  'old  of  a  darned  obstinate  creature  wot 
won't  reveal  his  hindentity  I  hopens  the  hoven  door. 

\IIe  goes  out  into  the  street.,  and  as  he  de^ 
parts .f  the  wofid  face  of  The  Dean" 
appears  at  the  wicket^  his  head  being  still 
enveloped  in  the  fur  cap, 

Hannah. 

[^Shutting  the  oven  door.']  Not  me!  Torturing 
prisoners  might  a'  done  for  them  Middling  Ages 
what  Noah's  always  clattering  about,  but  not  for  my 
time  o'  life.  I'll  shut  that  wicket.  [  Crossing  close  to 
the  wicket^  her  face  almost  comes  against  The  Dean's. 
She  gives  a  cry.']     The  Dean  ! 

The  Dean. 
Oh !  [He  disappears. 

Hannah. 
Oh,  no !     Not  my  old  master !     Never  the  master  I 
Y  Tottering  to  the  icicket  and  looking  in,]     Master  I 


DANDY  DICK.  Ill 

Look  at  me !     It's  'Annah,  your  poor  faithful  servant, 
'  Annah !  [  The  face  of  The  Dean  re-appears. 

The  Deax. 
\_In  a  deep  sad  voice.']  Hannah  Evans. 

Hannah. 
It's  'Annah  Topping,  Knee  Evans,  wife  o'  the  Con- 
stable  what's  goin'  to  take  you  to  cruel  Durnstone. 
\^JSinking  weeping  upon  the  ground  at  the  door.]  Oh, 
Mr.  Dean,  Sir,  what  have  you  been  up  to  ?  What 
have  you  been  up  to  ?    What  have  you  been  up  to  ? 

The  Dean. 
Woman,  I  am  the  victim  of  a  misfortune  only 
partially  merited. 

Hannah. 
[  On  her  knees^  clasping  her  hands.]  Tell  me  what 
you've  done.  Master  dear ;  give  it  a  name,  for  the 
love  of  goodness 

The  Dean. 
My  poor  Hannah,  I  fear  I  have  placed  myself  in 
an  equivocal  position. 

Hannah. 
[  With  a  shriek  of  despair.]  Ah ! 

The  Dean. 
Be  quiet,  woman ! 

Hannah. 
Is  it  a  change  o'  cooking  that's  brought  you  to 
such  ways  ?    I  cooked  for  you  for  seven  'appy  years ! 

The  Dean. 

I  Sniffing.]  Alas !  you  seem  to  have  lost  none  of  your 
culinary  skill. 


112  DANDY  DICK, 

Hannah. 

Master,  are  you  hungry  ? 

The  Dean. 
I  am  sorely  tried  by  your  domestic  preparations. 

Hannah. 
[  With  clenched  hands  and  a  determined  look.']  Oh! 
[^QuicMy  locking  and  halting  the  street  door.]  Noah 
can't  put  that  brute  of  a  horse  to  under  ten  minutes. 
The  dupphkit  key  o'  the  Strong  Box !  [Producing  a 
large  key.,  with  which  she  unlocks  the  cell  door. '\  Master, 
you'll  give  me  your  patrol  not  to  cut,  won't  you  ? 

The  Dean. 
Under  any  other  circumstances,  Hannah,  I  should 
resent  that  insinuation. 

Hannah. 

Don't     resent    nothing!      Shove!      Shove    your 
hardest.  Dean  dear ! 

[Pulling  the  door.,  vnhich  opens  sufficiently  to 
let  out  The  Dean. 

The  Dean. 

[As  he  enters  the  room,."]  Good-day,  Hannah ;  you 
have  bettered  yourself,  I  hope  ? 

Hannah. 

[Hysterically flinging  herself  upon  The  Dean.]  Oh, 
Master,  Master  I 

The  Dean. 

[Putting  her  from  him  sternly. '\     Hannah  !     Mrs. 
Topping  I 

Hannah. 
Oh,  I  know,  I  know,  but  crime  levels  all,  dear  sir ! 


DANDY  DICK.  113 

The  Deais^. 

You  appear  to  misapprehend  the  precise  degree  of 
criminality  whicli  attaches  to  me,  Mrs.  Topping.  In 
the  eyes  of  that  majestic,  but  imperfect  instrument, 
tlie  law,  I  am  an  innocent  if  not  an  injured  man. 

Haxnah. 

Ah,  stick  to  that,  sir  !  Stick  to  it,  if  you  think  it's 
likely  to  serve  your  wicked  ends ! 

\_PlaGi7ig  bread  with  other  things  on  the  table. 

The  Deax. 
My  good  woman,  a  single  word  from  me  to  those 
at  the  Deanery,  would  instantly  restore  me  to  home, 
family,  and  accustomed  diet. 

Hannah. 

Ah,  they  all  tell  that  tale  what  comes  here.  Why 
don't  you  send  word,  Dean  dear  ? 

The  Dean. 
Because  it  would  involve  revelations  of  my  tem- 
porary moral  aberration ! 

Hannah. 
\^Piitting  her  apron  to  her  eyes  loith  a  hoiclJ]  Owh ! 
The  Dean. 

Because  T  should  return  to  the  Deanery  with  my 
dignity — that  priceless  possession  of  man's  middle 
age  ! — with  my  dignity  seriously  impaired  ! 

Hannah. 

Oh,  don't,  sir,  don't ! 

The  Dean. 
How  could  I  face  my  simple  children  who  have 
hitherto,  not  unreasonably,  regarded  me  as  faultless  ? 
How  could  I  again  walk  erect  in  the  streets  of  St. 

8 


114  DANDY  DICK. 

Marvells  with  my  name  blazoned  on  the  Records  of 
a  Police  Station  of  the  very  humblest  description  ? 
[^/Sinking  into  a  chair  and  snatching  up  apiece 
of  breads  which  he  begins  munching, 

Hant^ah. 
[  Wiping  her  eyes."]  Oh,  sir,  it's  a  treat  to  hear  you, 
compared  with  the  hordinary  criminal  class.  But, 
master,  dear^  though  my  ^oah  don't  recognize  you 
— through  his  being  a  stranger  to  St.  Marvells — 
how'll  you  fare  when  you  get  to  Durnstone? 

The  Dean. 
I  have  one  great  buoyant  hope — that  a  word  in  the 
ear  of  the  Durnstone  Superintendent  will  send  me 
forth  an  unquestioned  man.  You  and  he  will  be  the 
sole  keepers  of  my  precious  secret.  May  its  posses- 
sion be  a  lasting  comfort  to  you  both. 

Hannah. 

Master,  is  what  you've  told  me  your  only  chance 
of  getting  off  unknown  ? 

The  Dean. 

It  is  the  sole  remaining  chance  of  averting  a  calam- 
ity of  almost  national  importance. 

Hannah. 

Then  you're  as  done  as  that  joint  in  my  oven  I 

The  Dean. 
Woman ! 

Hannah. 

The  Superintendent  at  Durnstone — John  Ruggles 
— also  the  two  Inspectors,  Whitaker  and  Parker 

The  Dean. 

Weill 


DANDY  DICK.  115 

Hannah. 

Them  and  their  wives  and  families  are   chapel 
folk ! 


The  Dean. 


^AghastJ]    Ko ! 


Hannah. 
Yes.      [The  Dean  totters  across  to  a  chair^  into 
which  he  sinks  with  his  head  upon  the  table,~\  Master  ! 
Listen ! 

The  Dean. 
It's  all  over !     It's  all  over ! 

Hannah. 
Ko,  no — Listen  !  I  was  well  fed  and  kept  seven 
years  at  the  Deanery — I've  been  wed  to  Noah  Top- 
ping eight  weeks — that's  six  years  and  ten  months' 
lovin'  duty  doo  to  you  and  yours  before  I  owe  nothing 
to  my  darling  Noah.  Master  dear,  you  shan't  be 
took  to  Durnstone ! 

The  Dean. 
Silence  !     Hannah  Topping,  formerly  Evans,  it  is 
my  duty  to  inform  you  that  your  reasoning  does 
more  credit  to  your  heart  than  to  your  head. 

Hannah. 

I  can't  help  that.  The  Devil's  always  in  a  woman's 
heart  because  it's  the  warmest  place  to  get  to  !  [  Tak- 
ing a  small  key  from  the  table  drawer.^  Here,  take 
that !  [^Pushihg  the  key  into  the  pocket  of  his  coat.'\ 
When  you  once  get  free  from  my  darling  Noah  that 
key  unlocks  your  handcuffs ! 

The  Dean. 
Handcuffs ! 


116  DANDY  DICK. 

Hannah. 
How  are  you  to  get  free,  that's  the  question  now, 
isn't  it?    I'll  tell  you.     My  Noah  drives  you  over  to 
Durnstone  with  old  Nick  in  the  cart. 

The  Dean. 

Old  Nick ! 

Hannah. 

That's  the  horse.  Now  Nick  was  formerly  in  the 
Durnstone  Fire  Brigade,  and  when  he  'ears  the 
familiar  signal  of  a  double  whistle  you  can't  hold  him 
in.  There's  the  whistle.  \_Putting  it  into  The  Dean's 
pocket. 'I  Directly  you  turn  into  Pear  Tree  Lane,  blow 
once  and  you'll  see  Noah  with  his  nose  in  the  air, 
pullin'  fit  to  wrench  his  'ands  off.  Jump  out — roll 
clear  of  the  wheel — keep  cool  and  'opeful  and  blow 
again.  Before  you  can  get  the  mud  out  of  your  eyes 
Noah  and  the  horse  and  cart  will  be  well  into  Durn- 
stone, and  may  Providence  restore  a  young  'usband 
safe  to  his  doatin'  wife ! 

The  Dean. 

Hannah!  How  dare  you!  \_Recoiling  horror- 
stricken. 

Hannah. 

[  Crying^  Oh — ooh — ooh ! 

The  Dean. 

Is  this  the  fruit  of  your  seven  years'  constant 
cookery  at  the  Deanery  ? 

Hannah. 
Oh  dear !     I  wouldn't  have  done  it,  only  this  is 
your  first  offence ! 

The  Dean. 
My  first  offence,  oh ! 


BANDY  DICK,  117 

Hannah. 

You're  not  too  old ;  I  want  to  give  you  another 
start  in  life! 

The  Dean. 
Another   start!     Woman,  do  you  think  I've  no 
conscience  ?    Do  you  think  I  don't  realize  the  enor- 
mity of  the — of  the  difficulties  in  alighting  from  a 
vehicle  in  rapid  motion  ? 

Hannah. 
[  Opening  the  oven  and  taking  out  a  small  joint  in 
a  bakiyig  tin^  which  she  places    on  the   table.~\     It's 
'unger  what  makes  you  feel  conscientious ! 

The  Dicax. 
[  Waving  he}'  away,']  I  have  done  with  you  ! 

Hannah. 

With  me,  sir — but  not  with  the  joint!  You'll 
feel  wickeder  when  you've  had  a  little  nourishment. 
\_IIe  looks  hungrily  at  the  dish.~\  That's  right,  Dean, 
dear — taste  my  darling  Noah's  favorite  dish. 

The  Dean. 

\^Advancing  towards  (he  table.']  Oh,  Hannah  Top- 
ping— Hannah  Topping!  [Clutching  the  carving- 
knife  despairingly.]  I'll  have  no  more  women  cooks 
at  the  Deanery !     This  reads  me  a  lesson. 

[fitting  and  carving  vnth  desperation, 

Hannah. 

Don't  stint  yourself,  sir.  You  can't  blow  that 
whistle  on  an  empty  frame.  [The  Dean  begins 
to  eat.]  Don't  my  cooking  carry  you  back,  sir  ?  Oh, 
say  it  do  I 


118  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 

Ah,  if  every  mouthful  would  carry  me  hack  one 
little  hour  I  would  fuiish  this  joint ! 

[N^OAH  Topping,  unperceived  by  Hannah  and 
The  Dean,  climhs  in  by  the  icindow^  his 
eyes  bolting  vaith  rage — he  glares  round 
the  rooni^  taking  in  everything  at  a  glance, 

XOAH. 

[  Under  his  breath.']  My  man  o'  mystery — a  waited 
on  by  my  nooly  made  wife — a  heating  o'  my  favorite 
meal. 

•     [  Touching  Hannah  07i    the  ann^  she  turns 
and  faces  hini^  speechless  with  fright. 

The  Dean. 

[  Still  eating.']  If  my  mind  were  calmer  this  would 
be  an  all-sufficient  repast.  [Hannah  tries  to  speak, 
then  clasps  her  hands  and  sinks  on  her  knees  to  Noah.] 
Hannah,  a  little  plain  cold  water  in  a  simple  tumbler, 
please. 

Noah. 

[  Grimly — folding  his  arms.]  'Annah,  hintrodooce 
me.     [Hannah  gives  a  cry  and  clings  to  Noah's  legs. 

The  Dean. 
\_Calmly   to  Noah.]   Am  I  to  gather,  constable, 
from  your  respective  attitudes  that  you  object  to 
these  little   kindnesses   extended  to  me  by  your 
worthy  wife  ? 

Noah. 
I'm  wishin'  to  know  the  name  o'  my  worthy  wife's 
friend.    A  friend  o'  hern  is  a  friend  o'  mian. 

Hannah. 
Noahry!  Noahry! 


DANDY  DICK.  119 

Noah. 
She's  gettin'  me  a  lot  o'  nice  noo  friends  since  we 
coom  to  St.  Marvells. 

Hanxah. 

Xoahry  !     I  made  this  gentleman's  acquaintance 
through  the  wicket,  in  a  casual  way. 

Noah. 
Ay.      Cooks  and  railins — cooks  and  railins !      I 
might  a  guessed  my  wedded  life  'ud  a  coom  to  this. 

IlA:NXAn. 

He  spoke  to  me  just  as  a  strange  gentleman  ought 
to  speak  to  a  lady !     Didn't  you,  sir — didn't  you? 

The  Deax. 
Hannah,  do  not  let  us  even  under  these  circum- 
stances prevaricate ;  such  is  not  quite  the  case  ! 

[Noah  advances  savagely  to  The  Dean.  There 
is  a  knocking  at  the  door. — Noah  restrains 
himself  and  faces  The  Dean. 

Noah. 
Noa,  this  is  neither  the  toime  nor  pla-ace,  wi'  people 
at  the  door  and  dinner  on  t'  table,  to  spill  a  strange 
man's  blood. 

The  Dean. 
I  trust  that  your  self-respect  as  an  officer  of  the 
law  will  avert  anything  so  unseemly. 

Noah. 
Ay.  That's  it !  You've  touched  me  on  my  point 
o'  pride.  There  ain't  another  police-  station  in  all 
Durnstone  conducted  more  strict  and  rigid  nor  what 
mian  is,  and  it  shall  so  continue.  You  and  me  is  a 
goin'  to  set  out  for  Durnstone,  and  when  the  charges 


120  BANDY  DICK, 

now  standin'  agen  you  is  entered,  it's  I,  Noah  Top- 
ping, what'U  hadd  another ! 

[  There  is  another  knock  at  the  door. 

Hajs^nah. 
Noah! 

Noah. 
The  charge  of  allynating  the  affections  o'  my  wife, 
'Annah ! 

The  Dean. 

^Horrified.']  No,  no ! 

Noah. 

Ay,  and  worse — the  embezzlin'  o'  my  mid-day 
meal  prepared  by  her  'ands.  \_Points  into  the  cell,'] 
Go  in  ;  you  'ave  five  minutes  more  in  the  'ome  you 
'ave  ruined  and  laid  waste. 

The  Deax. 

[  Going  to  the  door  at ul  turning  to  Noah.]  You  will 
at  least  receive  my  earnest  assurance  that  this  worthy 
woman  is  extremely  innocent  ? 

Noah. 
Hinnocent  ?  [Points  to  the  joint  on  the  table.']  Look 
theer !  [The  Dean,  much  overcome^  disappears 
through  the  cell  door^  irhich  Noah  closes  and  locks. 
The  knock  at  the  door  is  repeated.  To  Hannah,  point- 
ing to  the  outer  door.]  Hunlock  that  door ! 

PI  ANN  AH. 

[  WeepiiigJ]  Oh,  Noahry,  you'll  never  be  popular 
in  St.Marvells. 

Noah. 
Hunlock  that  door ! 


BANDY  JDICK,  121 

[Hannah  unlocks  the  door^  and  admits 
Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram,  both 
dressed  /or  the  race-course, 

Georgiana. 
Dear  me !    Is  this  the  Police- Station  ? 

Hannah. 
Yes,  lady.     Take  a  chair,  lady,  near  the  fire.  [  To 
Sir  Tristram.]  Sit  down,  sir. 

Georgiana. 
This  is  my    first   visit  to  a  police-station,  my  good 
woman ;  I  hope  it  will  be  the  last. 

Hannah. 

Oh,  don't  sa}^  that,  ma'am.     We're  honly  hauxilli- 
ary  'ere,  ma'am — the  Bench  sets  at  Durnstone. 

Georgiana. 
I  must  say  you  try  to  make  everybody    feel    at 
liome.  [Hannah  curtseys. 

Sir  Tristram. 
It's  beautifully  Arcadian. 

Georgiana. 
[  To  Hannah.]  Perhaps  this  is  only  a  police-station 
for  the  young  ? 

Hannah. 
No,  ma'am,  we  take  ladies  and  gentlemen  like 
yourselves. 

Noah. 
[  Who  has  not  been  noticed^  surveying  Georgiana 
and  Sir  Tristram,  gloomily, '\  'Annah,  hintrodooce 
ine. 


122  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiana. 

[^Facing  IS'oah.]    Good  gracious!     What's  that! 
Oh,  good-morning. 

Noah. 
'Annah's  a  gettin'  me  a  lot  o'  nice  noo  friends 
this  week  since  we  coom  to  St.  Marvells. 

Hannah. 
Koah,  Noah — the  lady  and  gentlemen  is  strange. 

Noah. 
Ho! 

Georgiana. 
Are  you  the  man  in  charge  here  ? 

Noah. 
Ay ;  are  you  seeing  me  on  business  or  pleasure  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
Do  you  imagine  people  come  here  to  see  you  ? 

Noah. 
Noa — they    generally    coom    to    see    my    wife. 
'Owever,  if  it's  business  (pointing  to  the  other  side  of 
the  room)  that's  the  hofficial  side — this  is  domestic. 
Youll  hall  kindly  move  over. 

Sir  Tristram  and  Georgiana. 
Oh,  certainly.  [  Changing  their  seats. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Now,  look  here,  my  man.     This  lady  is  Mrs.  Tid- 
man.     Mrs.  Tidman  is  the  sister  of  Dr.  Jedd,  the 
Dean  of  St.  Marvells. 

Hannah. 

IWith  a  gasp."]  Oh! 


BANDY  DICK,  123 

GeORGIA]S"A. 

There's  something  wrong  with  your  wife. 

Noah. 
Ay.     She' s  profligate — proceedins  are  pendin' ! 

Georgian  A. 
[  To  Sir  Tristram.]  Strange  police   station      My 
flesh  creeps. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[7'o  XoAH.]  Well,  my  good  man,  to  come  to  the 
point.     My  poor  friend  and  this  lady's  brother,  Dr. 
Jedd,  the  Dean,  you  know — has  mysteriously  and 
unaccountably  disappeared. 

Georgian  A. 


Vanished. 

Gone. 

Absconded. 


Sir  Tristram. 
Noah. 


Georgiana. 
Absconded !     How  dare  you. 

Noah. 
Respectable  man,  was  'e  ? 

Georgiana. 
What  do  you  mean  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
This  lady  is  his  sister  ! 

Noah. 
Now,  look  'ere — it's  no  good  a  gettin'  'asty  and 
irritable  with  the  law.      I'll   coom    over  to    yer, 
ofBLcially. 


124  DANDY  DICK, 

[  Putting  the  baJcmg  tin  under  his  arm 
he  crosses  over  to  Sir  Tristram  and 
Georgiana. 

Sir  Tristram. 
\^Putting  his  handkerchief  to  his  face.']  Don't  bring 
that  horrible  odor  of  cooking  over  here. 

Georgiana. 
Take  it  away !     What  is  it  ? 

Noah. 
It's  evidence  against  my  profligate  wife. 

[Sir  Tristram  and  Georgiaxa  exchange 
looks  of  impatience, 

Georgian  A. 
Do  you  realize  that  my  poor  brother  the  Dean  is 
missing  ? 

XOAH. 

Ay.     Touching  this  missin'  De-an. 

Georgiana. 
I  left  him  last  night  to  retire  to  rest. 

Sir  Tristram. 
This  morning  he  is  not  to  be  found  I 

Noah. 
Ay.    '  As  it  struck  you  to  look  in  'is  bed  ? 

Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram. 
Of  course ! 

Georgiana, 

Everybody  did  that ! 


DANDY  DICK.  125 

Noah. 
One  'ud  a  done.     It's  only  confusin' — hall  doin'  it ! 
Money  matters  right  or  wrong  ? 

[Georgiana  puts  her  handkerchief  to  her  eyes. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Do  put  your  questions  more  feelingly  !     This  is 
his  sister — I  am  his  friend  I 

Noah. 
You  will  push  yourselves  forrard.     Had  he  any- 
thing on  his  mind  ? 

Georgiana. 
Yes! 

Noah. 
Then  I've  got  a  the'ry. 

Sir  Tristram  and  Georgiana. 
What  is  it? 

Noah. 
A  the'ry  that  will  put  you  all  out  o'  suspense ! 

Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram. 
Yes,  yes ! 

Noah. 
I've  been  a  good  bit  about,  I  read  a  deal,  and  I'm 
a  shrewd  experienced  man.     I  should  say  this  is 
iiothin'  but  a  hordinary  case  of  sooicide. 

[Georgiana  sits  faintly. 

Sir  Tristram. 
\_Savagely  to  Noah.]  Get  out  of  the  way!     Geor- 
giana? 


126  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiais^a. 
Oh,  Tris,  if  this  were  true  how  could  we  break  it 
to  the  girls  ? 

XOAH. 

I  could  run  oop,  durin'  the  evenin',  and  break  it 
to  the  girls. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[  Turns  upon  Noah.]  Look  here,  all  you've  got  to 
do  is  to  hold  your  tongue  and  take  down  my  descrip- 
tion of  the  Dean,  and  report  his  disappearance  at 
Durnstone.  [^Pushing  Jdm  into  a  chair. ^  Go  on ! 
\^Dictating.']  "Missing.  The  Very  Reverend  Augus- 
tin  Jedd,  Dean  of  St.  Marvells."  Poor  Gus !  Poor 
Gus! 

Hai^nah. 

[^Softly  to  GEORGiA:NrA.]  Lady,  lady\ 

[No AH  prepares  to  write^  depositing  the  hah' 
ing-tin  on  the  table, 

Georgian  A. 
\_Turmng.']  Eh? 

Hannah. 
Hush!    Listen  to  me  ! 

\_Sp>eaJcs  to  Georgiana  excitedly. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[  To  Noah.]  Have  you  got  that  ? 

Noah. 

[  Writing  laboriously  with  his  legs  curled  round  the 
chair  and  his  head  on  the  table.']  Ay.  I'm  spelling  it 
my  own  way. 


DANDY  DICK,  127 

Sir  Tristram. 
Poor  dear  old  Gus !  \_DiGtating.']  "  Description !  '* 

Noah. 
Oh  noa ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
"  Description ! " 

Noah. 
I  suppose  he  was  jest  the  hordinary  sort  o'  lookin' 
man. 

Sir  Tristram. 
No,  no !     "  Description  ! " 

Georgiat^a. 
\^Turning from  Hannah,  excitedly?)^     Description 
— a  little,  short,  thin  man,  with  black  hair  and  a 
squint ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
[  To  Georgiana.]  No,  no,  he  isn't. 

Georgiana. 

Yes,  he  is ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Georgiana !     What  are  you  talking  about  ? 

Georgiana. 
I'm  Gus's  sister — I  ought  to  know  what  he's  like  ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Good    heavens,   Georgiana — your   mind    is    not 
going  ? 

Georgiana. 
\^Clutch%ng '^\^  Tristram's  arm  and  whispering  in 
his  ear^  as  she  points  to  the  cell  door.']  He's  in  there  ! 


128  BANDY  DICK. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Eh! 

Georgia:n^a. 
Giis  is  the  villain  found  dosing  Dandy  Dick  last 
night ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
\I^alUng  hacJcJ]  Oh !    [Hannah  seizes  Sir  Tristram 
and  talks  to  him  rapidly. ~\     \_To  Noah.]    What  have 
you  written  ? 

Noah. 
I've  written  "  Hanswers  to  the  name  o'  Gus  !  " 

Georgiana. 
[^Snatching  the  paper  from  him,"]  It's  not  wanted. 
I've  altered  my  mind.    I'm  too  busy  to  bother  about 
him  this  week. 

Noah. 
What !     Haf ter  wasting  my  time  ? 

Georgiana. 
Look  here — you're  the   constable  who  took  the 
man  in  the  Deanery  Stables  last  night  ? 

Noah. 
Ay.  ^^Loohing  out  of  the  vnndoic.']  There's    my 
cart  outside  ready  to  take  the  scoundrel  over  to 
Durnstone. 

Georgiana. 
I  should  like  to  see  him. 

Noah. 
You  can  view  him  passin'  out. 

[He  tucks  the  baking-tin  under  his  arm  and 
goes  up  to  the  cell  door. 


DANDY  DICK,  129 

Georgiana. 
[  To  herself,]  Oh,  Gus,  Gus ! 

Noah. 
[  UnlocMng  the  door,']    I  warn  yer.     'E's  a  awful 
looking  creature. 

Georgia:n^a. 
I  can  stand  it ;  I  love  horrors ! 

[Noah  goes  into  the  cell^closing  the  door  after 
him, 

Tris ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
Georgiana ! 

Georgiais^a. 
What  was  my  brother's  motive  in  bolusing  Dandy 
last  night  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  can't  think.     The  first  thing  to  do  is  to  get  him 
out  of  this  hole.     This  good  woman  has  arranged  for 
his  escape. 

Georgiana. 
But  we  can't  trust  to  Gus  rolling  out  of  a  flying 
dogcart !     Why,  it's  as  much  as  I  could  do  ! 

Hannah. 

Oh,  yes,  lady,  he'll  do  it.  I've  prewided  for  every- 
thing. Don't  betray  him  to  Noah  !  There's  another 
— a  awfuller  charge  hangin'  over  his  reverend  'ead. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Another  charge  ! 

9 


12^0  BANDY  DICK. 

Georgian^a. 
Another  !     Oh   Tris !     To  think  my  own  stock 
should  run  vicious  like  this. 

Hannah. 
Hush,  lady ! 

[Noah  comes  out  of  the  cell  icith  The  Dean, 
%nho  is  hi  handcuffs, 

Georgian  A  and  Sir  Tristram. 
Oh! 

The  Dean. 

[^Raising  his  eyes^  sees  Sir  Tristram  ayid  Georgi- 
ANA,  and  recoils  vnth  a  groan^  sinking  on  to  a  chair.~\ 
Oh! 

XOAH. 

Oop  you  get ! 

Sir  Tristram. 

No,  no,  stay  !  I  am  the  owner  of  the  horse  stabled 
at  the  Deanery.  I  make  no  charge  against  this 
wretched  person.     \^To  The  Dean.]  Oh  man,  man! 

The  Dean. 

I  was  discovered  administering  to  a  suffering  beast 
a  simple  remedy  for  chills.  I  am  an  unfortunate 
creature.    Do  with  me  what  you  will. 

Georgiana. 
The  analysis  hasn't  come  home  from  the  chemist's 
yet.     Is  this  the  truth  ? 

The  Dean. 
Yes. 


DANDY  DICE.  131 

Sib  Tristram. 
[  To  XoAH.]  Release  this  man. 

Noah. 
Release  him!    He  was  found  trespassin'  in  the 
stables  of  the  la-ate  De-an,  who  has  committed  sooi- 
cide. 

The  Dean^. 

Oh!     I 

Sir  Tristram,  Georgiana  a7i(jl  Hanis"ah. 
Hush  ! 

Noah. 
The  Diseased  De-an  is  the  honly  man  wot  can 
withdraw  one  charge 

The  Dean. 
I — listen ! 

Sir  Tristram,  Georgiana  and  Haitn'ah. 
Hush! 

Noah. 
And  I'm  the  honly  man  wot  can  withdraw  the 
other. 

Sir  Tristram. 
You?    Get  out! 

Georgiana. 
Get  out ! 

Noah. 
I  charge  this  person  unknown  with  allynating  the 
affections  o'  my  wife  while  I  was  puttin'  my  'orse  to. 
And  I'm  goin'  to  drive  him  over  to  Durnstone  with 
the  hevidence. 


182 

DANDY  DICK. 

Georgian  A. 

It  isn't  true. 

Hannah. 

Oh  lady,  lady,  it's  appearances  what  is  against  us. 

Noah. 

[  Through  the  opening  of  the  door,"]  Woa !  Steady 
there !    Get  back ! 

Georgiana, 

[  Whispering  to  The  Dean.]  I  am  disappointed  in 
you,  Angus  tin.  Have  you  got  tliis  wretched  wom- 
an's whistle  ? 

The  Dean. 
Yes. 

Sir  Tristram. 

[^Softly  to  The  Dean.]  Oh  Jedd,  Jedd — and  these 
are  what  you  call  Principles !  Have  you  got  the 
key  of  your  handcuffs  ? 

The  Dean. 
Yes. 

Noah. 

[^Appearing  in  the  doorway, "]  Time's  oop.  Coom 
on  I 

The  Dean. 

May  I  say  a  few  parting  words  in  the  home  I  have 
apparently  wrecked  ? 

Noah. 
Say'  em  and  'a  done. 


DANDY  DICK,  133 

The  Dean. 

In  setting  out  upon  a  journey,  the  termination  of 
which  is  problematical,  I  desire  to  attest  that  this 
erring  constable  is  the  husband  of  a  wife  from  whom 
it  is  impossible  to  withhold  respect,  if  not  admiration. 

Noah. 

You  'ear '  im  I 

The  Dean. 

As  for  my  wretched  self,  the  confession  of  my 
weaknesses  must  be  reserved  for  another  time — 
another  place.  [To  Georgiana.]  To  you,  whose 
privilege  it  is  to  shelter  in  the  sanctity  of  the 
Deanery,  I  give  this  earnest  admonition.  Within 
an  hour  from  this  terrible  moment,  let  the  fire  be 
lighted  in  the  drawing-room — let  the  missing  man's 
warm  bath  be  waiting  for  its  master — a  change  of 
linen  prepared.     Withhold  your  judgments.     Wait. 

Noah. 
This  is  none  of  your  business.     Coom  on. 

The  Dean. 
I  am  ready ! 

[Noah  takes  him  hy  the  arm  and  leads  him,  out. 
Georgiana. 
Oh,  what  am  I  to  think  of  my  brother  ? 

Hannah. 
{Kneeling  at   Georgiana  's  feet."]   Think !     That 
he's  the  beautifullest,  sweetest  man  in  all  Durn- 
shire  I 

Georgiana. 
Woman ! 


134  ^    DANDY  DICK, 


It's  I  and  my  whistle  and  Nick  the  fire-brigade 
horse  what'll  bring  him  back  to  the  Deanery  safe 
and  unharmed.  Not  a  soul  but  we  three'll  ever 
know  of  his  misfortune.  \_Liste7iing,~\  Hark !  They're 
off! 

Noah. 

{^Outside,']  Get  up,  now!     Get-oop,  old  girl! 

Hanxah. 

\^With  a  cryJ\  Ah!  \_Mushing  to  the  door  a7id 
looking  out,]    He's  done  for  ! 

Georgian  A  a7id  Sir  Tristram. 
Done  for ! 

Hai^xah. 
The  Dean  can  whistle  himself  blue !    Noah's  put 
Kitty  in  the  cart,  and  left  Old  Nick  at  home  ! 

THE  END  OF  THE  FIRST  SCENE. 


27ie  second   scene  is   the    Mbrnmg  Hoom    at  the 
Deanery  again, 

Salo:me  and  Sheba   are  sitting  there  gloomily. 

Salome. 
Poor  Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Poor  dear  Papa ! 

Salome. 
He  must  return  very  soon — ^he  must  I 


DANDY  Die hS^  135 

Sheba. 
He  must !    In  the  meantime  it  is  such  a  comfort 
to  feel  that  we  have  no  cause  for  self-reproach. 

Salome. 
But  the  anxiety  is  terribly  wearing. 

Sheba. 
Nothing  is  so  weakening,  Salome. 

Salome. 
Sheba,  dear. 

Sheba. 
[  Clinging  to  Salome.']   If  I  should  pine  and  ulti- 
mately die  of  this  suspense  I  want  you  to  have  my 
workbox. 

Salome. 

\^ShaJci7ig  her  Jiecid ayid sadly  turning  awag.]  Thank 
you,  dear,  but  if  Papa  is  not  home  for  afternoon  tea 
you  will  outlive  me. 

\_Turning   towards   the   windovj    as   Major 
-""'^  Tarver  and  Mr.  D  arbe  y  appear  outside, 

Darbey. 
[  Outside.']  Miss  Jedd !  Miss  Jedd ! 

Salome. 
Sheba  I     Here  are  Gerald  Tarver  and  Mr.  Darbey ! 

Sheba. 

Oh,  the  presumption  !  Open  the  window  and  dare 
them  to  enter  1  [Salome  unfastens  the  window. 


136  DAMDY  UICK. 

Darbey. 

[  Outside.^   Thank  you.     Don't  be  shocked  when 
you  see  Tarver. 

Tarver  and  Darbey  enter  ^  dressed  for  the  JRaces^  hut 
Darbey  is  supporting  Tarver,  vjho  looks  ex- 
tremely weakly, 

Tarver. 
Pardon  this  mformal  method  of  presenting  our- 
selves. 

Salome. 
You  do  well,  gentlemen,  to  intrude  upon  two  feeble 
women  at  a  moment  of  sorrow. 

Sheba. 
One  step  further,  and  I  shall  ask  Major  Tarver, 
who  is  nearest  the  bell,  to  ring  for  help. 

[Tarver  si7iks  iiito  a  chair, 

Darbey. 
[/Standing  by  the  side  o/ Tarver. J  There  now.  The 
fact  is.  Miss  jedd,  that  Tarver  is  in  an  exceedingly 
critical  condition.  Feeling  that  he  has  incurred  your 
displeasure  he  has  failed  even  in  the  struggle  to  gain 
the  race-course.  I  have  taken  him  to  Dr.  Middleton 
and  I  explained  that  Major  Tarver  loved  with  a  pas- 
sion [looking  at  Sheba]  second  only  to  my  own. 

Salome. 
[Sitting  comfortably  on  the  settee.^   Oh,  we  cannot 
listen  to  you,  Mr.  Darbey. 

Sheba. 

Go  on,  sir,  if  you  can. 

[  The  two  girls  exchange  looks. 


DANDY  DICK.  \     f  137 

Darbey. 
The  Doctor  made  a  searching  examination  of  the 
Major's  tongue  and  diagnosed  that,  unless  the  Major 
at  once  proposed  to  the  lady  in  question  and  was 
accepted,  three  weeks  or  a  month  at  the  seaside 
would  be  absolutely  imperative.     Shall  I  continue  ? 

Salome. 
Oh,  certainly.     I  am  helpless. 

Sheba. 
We  are  curious  to  see  to  what  lengths  you  will 
go. 

Darbey. 

The  pitiable  condition  of  my  poor  friend  speaks 
for  itself. 

Salome. 
I  beg  your  pardon — it  does  nothing  of  the  kind. 

Tarver. 
^^  \_Rising  with  difficulty  and  approaching  Salome.] 
Salome — I  have  loved  you  distractedly  for  upwards 
of  eight  weeks. 

Salome. 
[  Going  to  him.']  Oh,  Major  Tarver,  let  me  pass  ; 
\1iolding  his  coatjirmhj]  let  me  pass,  I  say. 

^^  Tarver. 

Unless  you  push  me,  never ! 

Sheba. 
Spare  me  this  scene,  Mr.  Darbey. 

[Darbey  ybZ/oto5  Sheba  across  the  room* 


138  DANDY  DICK. 

Tabyer. 
To  a  man  in  my  condition  love  is  either  a  rapid 
and  fatal  malady,  or  it  is  an  admirable  digestive. 
Accept  me,  and  my  merry  laugh  once  more  rings 
through  the  Mess  Room.  Reject  me,  and  my  collec- 
tion of  vocal  music,  loose  and  in  volumes,  will  be 
brought  to  the  hammer,  and  the  bird,  as  it  were,  will 
trill  no  more. 

Salome. 
And  is  it  really  I  who  would  hush  the  little  throaty 
songster  ? 

Taryer. 
Certainly.    [  Taking  a  sheet  of  paper  from    his 
pocket.']     i  have   the   Doctor's   certificate  to  that 
effect. 

[^Both  reading  the  certificate  they  walk  into 
Library, 

Sheba. 
Oh,  Mr.  Darbey,  I  have  never  thought  of  marriage 
seriously. 

Darbey. 
People  never  do  till  they  are  married. 

Sheba. 
But  think,  only  think  of  my  age. 

Darbey. 
Pardon  me,  Sheba — but  what  is  your  age? 

Sheba. 
Oh,  it  is  so  very  little — it  is  not  worth  mention- 
ing.    Cannot  we  remain  friends   and  occasionally 
correspond  ? 


DANDY  DICK.  139 

Darbey. 
Well,  of  course — if  you  insist ^ 

Sheba. 
No,  no,  I  see  that  is  impracticable.     It  must  be 
wed  or  part.     All  I  ask  is  time — time  to  ponder 
over  such  a  question,  time  to  know  myself  better. 

Darbey. 
Certainly,  how  long? 

Sheba. 
Give  me  two  or  three  minutes.     Hush ! 

\_They  separate  as  Tarver  and  Salome  re- 
enter the  room,  Tarver  is  glaring  excit- 
edly and  biting  his  nails, 

Tarver. 
I  never  thought  I  should  live  to  be  accepted  by 
anyone.     I  shall  buy  some  gay  songs.     Er — when 
can  I  see  the  Dean  ? 

Salome. 
Oh,  don't! 
^^  Tarver. 

y^  Salome! 

Salome. 

Papa  has  been  out  all  night. 

^  Dai.ijey  and  Tarver. 

X^  All  night? 

Salome. 

Isn't  it  terrible!    Oh,  what  do  you  think  of  it. 
Mr.  Darbey  ? 


140  DANDY  DICK, 

Daebey. 

Shocking,  but  we  oughtn't  to  condemn  him  un- 
heard. 

Salome. 
Condemn  my  Papa ! 

Sheba. 
J[At  the  window.^    Here's  Aunt  Georgiana ! 

Darbey. 
Eh!     Look  out,  Tarver.  \_ Going  out  quicMy, 

Salome. 
\_PuUi?ig  Tarver  after  her.]  Come  this  way  and  let 
us  take  cuttings  in  the  conservatory.    [  Thei/  go  out. 

Sheba. 

Mr.  Darbey!  Mr.  Darbey,  wait  for  me — I  have 
decided.     Yes, 

[^She  goes  out  hy  the  door  as  Georgiana 
enters  excitedly  at  the  window, 

Geqrgiana. 

[  Waving  her  handkerchief.']  Come  on,  Tris  !  The 
course  is  clear !  Mind  the  gate-post !  Hold  him  up ! 
Now  give  him  his  head ! 

Sir  Tristram  and  Hatcham  enter  hy  the  windoin 
carrying  The  Dean.  They  all  look  as  though 
they  have  been  recently  engaged  in  a  prolonged 
struggle. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Put  him  down! 

Georgiana. 
Put  him  down ! 


DANDY  DICK,  141 

Hatcham. 
That  I  will,  ma'am,  and  gladly. 

[  The^  deposit  The  Dean^  in  a  chair  and 
Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram  each  seize 
a  handy  feeling  The  Dean's  pulse^  while 
Hatcham  puts  his  hand  on  The  Dean's 
heart. 

The  Dean. 
[  Opening  his  eyesJ]  Where  am  I  now  ? 

Georgian  A. 
He  lives  !     Hurrah  !     Cheer  man,  cheer ! 

Sir  Tristram  and  Hatcham. 
\^Quietly.']    Hurrah!     [_To  Hatcham.]     We  can't 
shout  here,  go  and  cheer  as  loudly  as  you  can  in  the 
roadway  by  yourself. 

Hatcham, 
Yes,  Sir. 

[Hatcham  runs  out  at  the  loindow. 

The  Dean. 
[  Gradually  recovering,']  Georgiana — Mardon. 

Sir  Tristram. 
How  are  you,  Jedd,  old  boy  ? 

Georgiana. 
How  do  you  feel  now,  Gus  ? 

The  Dean. 
Torn  to  fragments. 

Sir   Tristram. 
So  you  are.    Thank  heaven,  he's  conscious  *' 


142  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Deaist. 
I  feel  as  if  T  had  been  walked  over  carefully  by  a 
large  concourse  of  the  lower  orders  ! 

Georgiaxa. 
So  you  have  been.     Thank  heaven,  his  memory  is 
all  right. 

[Hatch am' s  voice  is  heard  in  the  distance 
cheering.  They  all  listen. 

Sir   Tristram. 
That's  Hatcham,  I'll  raise  his  wages. 

The  Dean. 
Do  I  understand  that  I  have  been  forcibly  and 
illegally  rescued  ? 

Sir  Tristram. 
That's  it,  old  fellow. 

The  Dean. 

Who  has  committed  such  a  reprehensible  act  ? 

Sir   Tristram. 
A  woman  who  would  have  been  a  heroine  in  any 
age — Georgiana ! 

The  Dean. 
Georgiana,  I  am  bound  to  overlook  it,  in  a  rela- 
tive, but  never  let  this  occur  again. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Tell  him. 

Georgiana. 
You  found  out  that  that  other  woman's  plan  went 
lame,  didn't  you  ? 


DANDY  DICK,  143 

The  Dean. 
I  discovered  its  inefficaey,  after  a  prolonged  period 
of  ineffectual  whistling. 

Georgta:n^a. 
But  we  ascertained  the  road  the  genial  constable 
was  going  to  follow.  He  was  bound  for  the  edge  of 
the  hill,  up  Pear  Tree  Lane,  to  watch  the  Races. 
Directly  we  knew  this,  Tris  and  I  made  for  the  Hill. 
Bless  your  soul,  there  were  hundreds  of  my  old 
friends  there — welshers,  pick-pockets,  card-sharpers, 
all  the  lowest  race- course  cads  in  the  kingdom.  In  a 
minute  I  was  in  the  middle  of  'em,  as  much  at  home 
as  a  Duchess  in  a  Drawing-room. 

Sir  Tristram. 
A  Queen  in  a  Palace  ! 

Georgiaxa. 
Boadicea  among  the  Druids!  "Do  you  know 
me  ?  "  I  holloaed  out.  Instantly  there  was  a  cry  of 
"  Blessed  if  it  'aint  George  Tidd  ! "  Tears  of  real 
joy  sprang  to  my  eyes — while  I  was  wiping  them 
away  Tris  had  his  pockets  emptied  and  I  lost  my 
watch. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Ah,  Jedd,  it  was  a  glorious  moment ! 

Georgiana. 
Tris  made  a  back,  and  I  stood  on  it,  supported  by 
a  correct-card  merchant  on  either  side.  "Dear 
friends,"  I  said;  "Brothers!  I'm  with  you  once 
again."  You  should  have  heard  the  shouts  of  honest 
welcome.  Before  I  could  obtain  silence  my  field " 
glasses  bad  gone  on  their  long  journey,    "Listen  to 


144  DANDY  DICK. 

me,"  I  said.  "A  very  dear  relative  of  mine  has 
been  collared  for  playing  the  three-card  trick  on  his 
way  down  from  town."  There  was  a  groan  of 
sympathy.  "  He'll  be  on  the  brow  of  the  Hill  with 
a  bobby  in  half-an-hour,"  said  I,  "  who's  for  the  res- 
cue ?  "  A  dead  deep  silence  followed,  broken  only 
by  the  sweet  voice  of  a  young  child,  saying, 
"  W  hat'll  we  get  for  it  ?  "  "A  pound  a-piece,"  said 
I.  There  was  a  roar  of  assent,  and  my  concluding 
words,  "  and  possibly  six  months,"  were  never  heard. 
At  that  moment  Tris'  back  could  stand  it  no  longer, 
and  we  came  heavily  to  the  ground  together. 
[^Seizing  The  Dean  hy  the  hand  and  dragging  him 
up.']  Now  you  know  whose  hands  have  led  you  back 
to  your  own  manger.  \_Emhracing  him,]  And  oh, 
brother,  confess — isn't  there  something  good  and 
noble  in  true  English  sport  after  all  ? 

The  Dean. 

Every  abused  institution  has  its  redeeming  charac- 
teristic. But  whence  is  the  money  to  come  to 
reward  these  dreadful  persons  ?  I  cannot  reasonably 
ask  my  girls  to  organize  a  bazaar  or  concert. 

Georgiana. 
Concert !    I'm  a  rich  woman. 

The  Dean. 

Rich! 

Georgiana. 
Well,  I've  cleared  fifteen  hundred  over  the  Handi- 
cap. 

The  Dean. 
[^Eecoiling.']    l^o !     Then  the  horse  who  enjoyed 
the  shelter  of  the  Deanery  last  night 


DANDY  DICK.  145 

Sir  Tristram. 
Dandy  Dick ! 

The  Dean. 
Won ! 

Georgiana. 
In  a  common  canter !     All  the  rest  nowhere,  and 
Bonny  Betsy  walked  in  with  the  policeman. 

The  Dean. 

[  To  himself.']  Five  hundred  pounds  towards  the 
Spire!  Five  hundred!  Oh,  where  is  Blore  with  the 
good  news ! 

Sir  Tristram. 

Look  at  him !    Lively  as  a  cricket ! 

The  Dean. 
Sir  Tristram,  T  am  under  the  impression  that  your 
horse  swallowed  reluctantly  a  small  portion  of  that 
bolus  last  night  before  I  was  surprised  and  removed. 

Sir  Tristram. 
By  the  bye,  I  am  expecting  the  analysis  of  that 
concoction  every  minute. 

The  Dean. 
Spare  yourself  the  trouble — the  secret  is  with  me. 
I  seek  no  acknowledgment  from  either  of  you,  but  in 
your  moment  of  deplorable  triumph  remember  with 
gratitude  the  little  volume  of  "  The  Horse  and  its 
Ailments"  and  the  prosaic  name  of  its  humane 
author — John  Cox. 

[^He  goes  out  through  the  Library, 

Georgiana. 
But  oh,  Tris  Mardon,  what  can  I  ever  say  to  you  ? 
10 


146  BANDY  DICK, 

Sir  Tristram. 
Anything  you  like  except  "  Thank  you ! " 

Georgiana. 
Don't  stop  me  ?    Why,  you  were  the  man  who 
hauled  Augustm  out  of  the  cart  by  his  legs ! 

Sir  Tristram. 

Oh,  but  why  mention  such  trifles  ? 
Georgiat^a. 

They're  not  trifles.  And  when  his  cap  fell  off,  it 
was  you — brave  fellow  that  you  are — who  pulled  the 
horse's  nose- bag  over  my  brother's  head  so  that  he 
shouldn't  be  recognized. 

Sir  Tristram. 
My  dear  Georgiana,  these  are  the  common  cour- 
tesies of  every-day  life. 

Georgia:n^a. 
They  are    acts    which    any  true   woman   would 
esteem.      Gus     won't   readily   forget    the    critical 
moment  when  all  the  cut  chaff  ran  down  the  back  of 
his  neck — ^nor  shall  I. 

Sir  Tristram. 
N'or  shall  I  forget  the  way  in  which  you  gave 
Dandy  his  whisky  out  of  a  soda  water  bottle  just 
before  the  race. 

Georgiana. 

That's  nothing — any  lady  would  do  the  same. 

Sir  Tristram. 

Nothing !  You  looked  like  the  Florence  N"ightin- 
gale  of  the  paddock!  Oh,  Georgiana,  why,  why, 
why  won't  you  marry  me  ? 


DANDY  DICK.  147 

Geobgiana, 
Why! 

Sir  Tristram. 

Why? 

Georgiaka. 
Why  !     Because  you've  only  just  asked  me,  Tris  I 

[  Goes  to  him  cordially. 

Sir  Tristram. 
But  when  I  touched  your  hand  last  night,  you 
reared ! 

Georgian  a. 
Yes,  Tris,  old  man,  but  love  is  founded  on  mutual 
esteem,  last  night  you  hadn't  put  my  brother's  head 
in  that  nose-bag. 

[  They  go  together  to  the  fireplace^  he  with 
his  arm  round  her  toaist. 

Sheba. 
\IjOohing  in  at  the  door."]  How  annoying !  There's 
Aunt  and  Sir  Tristram  in  this  room — Salome  and 
Major  Tarver  are  sitting  on  the  hot  pipes  in  the  con- 
servatory— where  am  I  and  Mr.  Darbey  to  go? 
Papa!     Come  back  ! 

\_She  withdravis  quichly  as  The  Dean  enters 
through  the  Library  carrying  a  paper  in 
his  hand  ;  he  has  now  resumed  his  normal 
appearance. 

The  Dean. 

Home!     What  sonorous  music  is   in  the  word! 

Home,  with  the  secret  of  my  sad  misfortune  buried 

in  the  bosoms  of  a  faithful  few.     Home,  with  my 

family  influence  intact  I     Home,  with  the  sceptre  of 


148  BANDY  DICK. 

my  dignity  still  tight  in  my  grasp !     What  is  this  I 
have  picked  up  on  the  stairs  ? 

[^Jieads  with  a  horrified  looky  as  Hatcham 
enters  at  the  window, 

PIatcham. 
Beg  pardon,  Sir  Tristram. 

Sir  Tristram. 
What  is  it  ? 

Hatcham. 
The  chemist  has  just  brought  the  annah'sis. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Where  is  he  ? 

[Sir  Tristram  and  Georgiana  go  out  at  the 
window,  following  Hatcham. 

The  Deax. 

It  is  too  horrible !  [^Jieading.']  "  Debtor  to  Lewis 
Isaacs,  Costumier  to  the  Queen,  Bow  Street — Total, 
Forty  pounds,  nineteen !  "  There  was  a  fancy  masked 
ball  at  Durnstone  last  night !  Salome — Sheba — no, 
no! 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
[^Bounding  in  and  rushing  at  The  Dean.]  Papa, 
Papa! 

Salome. 
Our  own  Papa ! 

Sheba. 
Papsey ! 

[Salome  seizes  his  hands,  Sheba  his  coat-tails, 
and  turn  him  round  violently. 

Salome. 
Our  parent  returned  I 


BANDY  DICK.  149 

Sheba. 
Papsey — come  back ! 

The  Dean. 

Stop ! 

Salome. 
Papa,  why  have  you  tortured  us  with  anxiety? 

Sheba. 
Where  have  you  been,  you  naughty  man  ? 

The  Dean. 
Before  I  answer  a  question,  which,  from  a  child 
to  its  parent,  partakes  of  the  unpardonable  vice  of 
curiosity,  I  demand  an  explanation  of  this  disrep- 
utable document.  [J^eading.]  "Debtor  to  Lewis 
Isaacs,  Costumier  to  the  Queen." 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
Oh! 

[Sheba  sits  aghast  on  the  table — Salome  dts- 
tractedly  falls  on  the  floor. 

The  Dean. 
I  will  not  follow  this  legend  in  all  its  revolting 
intricacies.  Suffice  it,  its  moral  is  inculcated  by  the 
mournful  total.  Forty  pounds,  nineteen  !  Imps  of 
deceit !  \_Looking  from  one  to  the  other, ']  There  was 
a  ball  at  Durnstone  last  night.     I  know  it. 

Sheba. 
Spare  us ! 

Salome. 
You  couldn't  have  been  there,  Papa ! 


150  DANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
There!  I  trust  I  was  better — that  is,  otherwise 
employed.  \_Iieferring  to  the  bilL~\  Which  of  my  hith- 
erto trusted  daughters  was  a  lady — no,  I  will  say  a 
person — of  the  period  of  the  French  Revolution  ? 

[Sheba  jt9om^5  to  Salome. 

The  Dean. 

And  a  flower-girl  of  an  unknown  epoch.  [Salome 
points  to  Sheba.]  To  your  respective  rooms!  \_The 
girls  cling  together, ']  Let  your  blinds  be  drawn.  At 
seven  porridge  will  be  brought  to  you. 


Salome. 
The  Dean. 

Sheba. 
The  Dean. 


Papa ! 

Go! 

Papsey ! 

Go! 

Salome. 

Papa,  we,  poor  girls  as  we  are,  can  pay  the  bill. 

The  Dean. 
You  cannot — go  ! 

Sheba. 
Through  the  kindness  of  our  Aunt — 

Salome. 
We  have  won  fifty  pounds. 

The  Dean. 
What ! 

Sheba. 
At  the  Races ! 


DANDY  DICK.  151 

The  Deax. 
{^BecoiUng.']    You  too  !     You  too  drawn  into  the 
vortex !    Is  there  no  conscience  that  is  clear — is  there 
no  guilessness  left  in  this  house,  with  the  possible  ex- 
ception of  my  own ! 

Sheba. 
[^Sohbiug.']     We  always  knew  a  little  more  than 
you  gave  us  credit  for,  Papa. 

The  Dean. 
[^Hcmding  Sheba  the  bill.']  Take  this  horrid  thing* — 
never  let  it  meet  my  eyes  again.  As  for  the  scandal- 
ous costumes,  they  shall  be  raffled  for  in  aid  of  local 
charities.  Confidence,  that  precious  pearl  in  the 
snug  shell  of  domesticity,  is  at  an  end  between  us. 
I  chastise  you  both  by  permanently  withholding 
from  you  the  reason  of  my  absence  from  home  last 
night.     Go ! 

[  The  girls  totter  out  as  Sir  Tristram  enters  quickly 
at  the  itnndow^  folloioed  by  Georgiana,  carrying 
the  basin  containing  the  bolus.  Sir  Tristram 
has  an  opened  letter  in  his  hand. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Good  heavens,  Jedd !  the  analysis  has  arrived ! 

The  Dean^. 
I  am  absolutely  indifferent ! 

Georgtaxa  and  Sir  Tristram. 
Indifferent ! 

The  Dean. 
[  To  GeorcxIaxa.]  How  dare  you  confront  me  with- 
out even  the  semblance  of  a  blush — you  who  have 


152  DANDY  DICK, 

enabled  my  innocent  babies,  for  the  first  time  in 
their  lives,  to  discharge  one  of  their  own  accounts. 

Geokgiajn^a. 
There  isn't  a  blush  in  our  family — if  there  were, 
you'd  want  it. 

[Sheba  and  S.vlome  appear  outside  the  loindow^ 
looking  in. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Jedd,  you  were  once  my  friend,  and  you  are  to  be 
my  relative. 

The  Deax. 
\_Looking  at  Georgiana.]  My  sister  !  [  To  Sir  Tris- 
tram.] I  offer  no  opposition. 

Sir  Tristram. 
But  not  even  our  approaching  family  tie  prevents 
my  designaling  you  as  one  of  the  most  atrocious  con- 
spirators known  in  the  history  of  the  Turf. 

The  Deax. 
Conspirator ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
As  the  owner  of  one-half  of  Dandy  Dick,  I  de- 
nounce you  1 

Georgiaxa. 
As  the  owner  of  the  other  half,  I  denounce  you ! 

The  Deax. 

You  ! 
Sheba  and  Salome  eiitei\  andrernain  standing  in  the 
recess^  listening. 


DANDY  DICK.  153 

Sir  Tristram. 
The  chief  ingredient  of  your  infernal  preparation 
is  known. 

The  Deax. 
It  contains  nothing  that  I  would  not  cheerfully 
administer  to  my  own  children. 

Georgiaxa. 
[^In  horror']  Oh ! 

Sir  Tristram. 
I  believe  you.  \_Poi)ititig  to  the  paper.']  Strychnine ! 
Sixteen  grains ! 

Salome  and  Sheba. 
[  Clinging  to  each  other  terrijied.]  Oh ! 

The  Deax. 
Strychnine  !  Summon  my  devoted  servant  Blore, 
in  whose  presence  the  innocuous  mixture  was  com- 
pounded. [Georgiaxa  rm (75  ^Ae  hell.  The  girls  hide 
hehvrul  the  windovn  curtains.]  This  analysis  is  simply 
the  pardonable  result  of  over-enthusiasm  on  the  part 
of  our  local  chemist. 

Georgiaxa. 
You're  a  disgrace  to  the  pretty  little  police  station 
where  you  slept  last  night ! 

[Blore  enters  and  stands  unnoticed. 

The  Deax. 
I  will  prove  that  in  the  Deanery  Stables  the  com- 
mon laws  of  hospitality  have  never  been  transgressed. 
Give  me  the  bowl!     [Georgiaxa  hajidsTwY:,  Deax 
the  basin  from  the  table.']  A  simple  remedy  for  a  chill. 


154  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram. 
Strychnine — sixteen  grains  ! 

The  Dean. 
I,  myself,  am  suffering  from  the  exposure  of  last 
night.  [  Taking  the  remaining  bolus  and  opening  his 
mouth!]  Observe  me ! 

Blore. 
[Rushing  forward^  snatchhig  the  basin  from   The 
Dean  and  sinking  on  to  his  knees.']  No,  no !     Don't, 
don't !     You  wouldn't  'ang  the  holdest  servant  in 
the  Deanery. 

The  Dean. 
Blore! 

Blore. 
I  did  it  ?  I  'ad  a  honest  fancy  for  Bonny  Betsy, 
and  I  wanted  this  gentleman's  'orse  out  of  the  way. 
And  while  you  was  mixing  the  dose  with  the  best 
ecclesiastical  intentions,  I  hintroduced  a  foreign  ele- 
ment. 

The  Dean. 
[^Pulling  Blore  up  by  his  coat  collar.]  Viper ! 

Blore. 
Oh  sir,  it  was  hall  for  the  sake  of  the  Dean. 

Sir  Tristram. 
The  Dean? 

Blore. 
The  dear  Dean  had  only  Fifty  Pounds  to  spare  for 
sporting  purposes,  and  I  thought  a  gentleman  of  'is 
'igh  standing  ought  to  have  a  certainty. 


DANDY  DICK.  155 

Sir  Tristram. 
Jedd! 

Georgian  A. 
Augustin ! 

The  Dean. 
I  can  conceal  it  no  longer — ^I — I  instructed  this 
unworthy  creature  to  back  Dandy  Dick  on  behalf  of 
the  Restoration  Fund. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[ShaJcing  Blore.]  And  didn't  you  do  it  ? 

Blore. 
No. 

The  Dean. 

Why  not  ?    In  the  name  of  that  tottering  Spire, 
why  not  ? 

Blore. 
Oh,  sir,  thinking  as  you'd  given  some  of  the  mix- 
ture to  Dandy  I  put  your  cheerful  little  offering  on 
to  Bonny  Betsy. 

[Salome  and  Sheba  disappear. 

The  Dean. 

Oh !  [  To  Blore.]  I  could  have  pardoned  everything 
but  this  last  act  of  disobedience.     You  are  unworthy 
'  of  the  Deanery.    Leave  it  for  some  ordinary  house- 
hold. 

Blore. 
If  I  leave  the  Deanery,  I  shall  give  my  reasons, 
and  then  whatll  folks  think  of  you  and  me  in  our 
old  age  ? 

The  Dean. 
You  wouldn't  spread  this  tale  in  St.  Marvells  ? 


laS  DANDY  DICK. 

Blore. 
Not  if  sobv.r,  sir — ^but  suppose  grief  drove  me  to 
my  cups  ? 

The  Dean. 
I  must  save  you  from  intemperance  at  any  cost. 
Remain  in  my  service — a  sad,  sober  and,  above  all, 
a  silent  man ! 

[Salome  and  Sheba  appear  as  Bloke   (/oes 
out  through  the  window, 

Salome. 
Papa ! 

The  Deax. 
To  your  rooms  I     I  am  distracted ! 

Salome. 
Major  Tarver  and  Mr.  Darbey ! 

The  Deax. 

If  you  have  sufficiently  merged  all  sense  of  moral 
rectitude  as  to  declare  that  I  am  not  at  home,  do  so. 

Sheba. 
No,  no.  Papa ;    we  have  accidentally  discovered 
that  you,  our  parent,  have  stooped  to  deception,  if 
not  to  crime. 

The  Deax. 
\_Staggering  back.']     Oh  I 

Sheba. 
We  are  still  young — the  sooner,  therefore,  we  are 
removed  from  any  unfortunate  influence  the  better. 


DANDY  DICK,  157 

Salome. 
We  have  an  opportunity  of  beginning  life  afresh. 

Sheba. 
These  two  gallant  gentlemen  have  proposed  for  us. 

The  Dea:n^. 
Then  I  am  at  home.     Where  are  they  ? 

[^Ife  goes  out  rapidly^  followed  by  Salome 
and  Sheba.  Directly  they  have  disap- 
peared^ ISToAH  Topping,  looking  dishev- 
elledy  rushes  in  at  the  window^  with 
Hannah  clinging  to  him, 

Noah. 
\^Glaring    round    the    room.']       Is    this  'ere   the 
Deanery  ? 

[Georgiana  and  Sir  Tristram  come  to  him, 

Hannah. 

Noahry,  Noah,  come  back ! 

Noah. 
Theer's  been  a  man  rescued  from  my  lawful  cus- 
tody while  my  face  was  unofficially  held  downwards 
in  the  mud.     The  villain  has  been  traced  back  to  the 
Deanery. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Go  away ! 

Hannah. 
Come  away ! 

Noah. 
The  man  was  a  unknown  lover  of  my  nooly  made 
vnf e  1 


158  DANDY  DICK. 

Georgiana. 
You  mustn't  bring  your  domestic  affairs  liere ; 
this  is  a  subject  for  your  own  fireside  of  an  evening. 
[The  Dean  appears  outside  the  lomdo^n  \inth 
Salome,  Sheba,  Tarver  and  Darbey. 

The  Dean. 
[  Outside.']  Come  in,  Major  Tarver — come  in,  Mr. 
Darbey ! 

Noah. 
That's  his  voice  I 

The  Dean  enters^  followed  by    Salome,    Tarver, 
Sheba  and  Darbey. 

Noah. 
[  Confronting  The  Dean.]  My  man. 

Hannah. 

No,  no,  Noahry ! 

Georgiana. 
You're  speaking  to  Dr.  Jedd,  the  Dean  of  St. 
Marvell's. 

Noah. 
I'm  speaking  to  the  man  I  took  last  night — the 
culprit  as  'as  allynated  the  affections  of  my  wife. 

Sir  Tristram. 
Wait — one  moment !     [  Going  out  at  the  window, 

[Salome  and  Tarver  go  into  the  Library  and 
sit  at  the  inviting -table,  Darbey  sits  in  an 
arnh-chair  with  Sheba  on  the  arm. 


DANDY  DICK.  159 

The  Dean. 

[Mildh/.']  Do  not  let  us  chide  a  man  who  is  con- 
scientious even  in  error.  \Loohing  at  Hannah.]  I 
think  I  see  Hannah  Evans,  once  an  excellent  cook 
under  this  very  roof. 

Hannah. 
I'm  Mrs.  Topping  now,  sir — bride  o'  the  constable. 
And  oh,  do  forgive  him — he's  a  mass  o'  ignorance. 

N^oah. 
Coom  away ! 

[Hannah  returns  to  IS^oah,  as  Sir  Tristram 
re-enters  with  Hatcham. 

Sir  Tristram. 
[  To  Hatcham.]  Hatcham — [pointing  to  The  Dean] 
— Is  that  the  man  you  and  the  Constable  secured  in 
the  stable  last  night  ? 

Hatcham. 
That,  sir!     Bless   your  'art,  sir,  that's  the  Dean 
'imself. 

Sir  Tristram. 
That'll  do. 

Hatcham. 
[^To  IN'oAH.]     Why,  our  man  was  a  short,  thin 
individual !  [Hatcham  goes  out  at  the  window. 

The  Dean. 
[  To  Noah.]  I  trust  you  are  perfectly  satisfied. 

Noah. 
\^Wiping  his  brow  and  looking  puzzled.']  I'm  doon. 


160  BANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 
Don't  trouble  further.  I  withdraw  unreservedly 
any  charge  against  this  unknown  person  found  on 
my  premises  last  night.  I  attribute  to  him  the  most 
innocent  intentions.  Hannah,  you  and  your  worthy 
husband  will  stay  and  dine  in  my  kitchen.  Good 
afternoon. 

Noah. 
Is  it  a  'ot  dinner  ? 

The  Dean. 

Hot — with  ale. 

XOAH. 

\^Turnmg  angrily  to  Haxxah.]  Now  then,  you 
don't  know  a  real  gentleman  when  you  see  one. 
Why  don't  'ee  thank  the  Dean  warmly  ? 

Hannah. 
\_Kissi7ig   The    Dean's    hands   with    a   curtsey ^\ 
Thank  you,  sir. 

The  Dean. 
\_Benignly.']  Go — go.     I  take  a  kindly  interest  in 
you  both.         [  They  hack  out^  bowing  and  curtseying, 

Georgia  NA. 
Well,  Gus,  you're  out  of  all  your  troubles.     Arc^ 
you  happy  ? 

The  Dean. 
Happy!     My  family  influence  gone  forever — my 
dignity  crushed  out  of  all  recognition — the  genial 
summer  of  the  Deanery  frosted  by  the  winter  of 
Deceit. 


DANDY  DICK.  161 

Georgtana. 
Ah,  Gus,  when  once  you  lay  the  whip  about  the 
withers  of  the  horse  called  Deception  he  takes  the 
bit  between  his  teeth,  and  only  the  devil  can  stop 
him — and  he'd  rather  not.  Shall  I  tell  you  who  has 
been  riding  the  horse  hardest? 

The  Dean. 
Who? 

Georgiaka. 
The  Dean. 

The  Dean. 
Georgiana !    I'm  surprised  at  you. 

[Sheba  sits  at  the  piano  and  plays  a  bright 
air  softly — Darbey  standing  behind 
her — Salome  and  Tarver  stand  in  the 
archway. 

Geo^otaatv. 

[^Slapping  The  Dean  on  the  bacJcJ]  Look  here, 
Augustin,"  George  Tidd  will  lend  you  that  thousand 
for  the  poor,  innocent  old  Spire. 

The  Dean. 
\^TaMng her  ha7id,'\  Oh,  Georgri7?a1 

Georgiana. 
On  one  condition — that  you'll  admit  there's  no 
harm  in  our  laughing  at  a  Sporting  Dean. 

The  Dean. 

No,  no — ^I  cannot  allow  it! 

Georgiana. 
Tris  !   My  brother  Gus  doesn't  want  us  to  be  merry 
at  his  expense.  [  They  both  laugh. 


162  BANDY  DICK. 

The  Dean. 

[  Trying  to  silence   them,']  No,  no !     I  forbid  it  \ 
Hush! 

Sir  Tristram. 

Why,  Jedd,  there's  no  harm  in  laughter,  for  those 
who  laugh  or  those  who  are  laughed  at. 

Georgiana. 
Provided  always — ^firstly,  that  it  is  Folly  that  is 
laughed  at  and  not  Virtue  ;  secoi^c'^y,  that  it  is  our 
friends  who  laugh  at  us,  [to  the  audience']  as  we  hope 
i;hey  all  will,  for  our  pains. 


TH5J  BTn> 


YB  72828 


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